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More routines of Abbott and Costello
Here are are some more Abbott and Costello routines. I got inspired to write this page after watching the TV show last night where Mr Fields repeatedly beats up Lou after he keeps playing the radio (at Bud's insistence) at Hillary's birthday party. Great fun. See if you recognize any of these: (not in any order of preference). They performed longer routines that were more set pieces than anything like "Drug store scene in Who done it" and "Transcription scene" also from who done it, I wanted to write about the routines they performed a number of times including on the stage.
Money swapping routines:
Abbott and Costello's first scene in 'One night in the
tropics' was a classic. Abbott conning Costello by simply asking for
change. "Have you got 2 tens for a five?" he asks. As Lou
realised he has been duped, Abbott snaps back: "OK, here's your five, give
me back my 2 tens!". They then do a pyhsical bit where Lou sneaks
money out of Bud's hand. This was used in The naughty nineties and Abbott
and Costello meet the Invisible man. It was used best in the latter film.
They did a variation of the money changing routine in "The lemon game"
(In the Navy). "As Lou is counting some money to Bud's hand, Bud asks
him questions which get him confused with the counting and everytime he is interrupted,
he counts back from 2 again.
There was a routine in Buck privates where Bud asks Lou to loan him money.
He wants $50 but Lou has $40. "Well give me the fifty and you owe me
ten!" Bud says. When Lou asks for his money back, Bud asks for the
ten he owed him. This goes on till Lou is left with $10 where Bud asks him
to think of a number between 1 and 10. Bud then asks questions to narrow down
what number he is thinking of. Bud gets the number and walks off.
Jonah and the Whale
Lou tells a joke to someone (or an
audience) and Bud repeatedly asks questions then as Lou is about to tell the
punch-line, Bud tells everyone that it had better not be the Jonah and whale
joke as every little schoolboy knows it. Lou walks off in shame.
Quite a good routine just because their is usually good chemistry between the
boys when they perform it. Not many performers could make this one funny.
They used it in "One night in the topics", "Here come the
co-eds" and the first episode of their TV show, "The
drugstore". Used best in here come the co-eds as the boys had the
class full of girls to play it to. Lou was best their too as he is much
quicker, when Bud asks "Who said that?" 1/2 way through, it's funny
but makes no sense as Bud always asks the questions and it was obviously Lou was
trying to get one in first.
Moving candle routine
Hilarious and classic Costello
highlight. 2 candles seem to move of their own free will. Lou has a
hard time telling the disbelieving Abbott (and others) what he sees. He
gasps for breath out of fright and is unable to shout for help till it's to
late. Used in Hold that ghost, A+C meet frankenstein and TV show
"haunted house". Hold that Ghost's version was an absolute
classic. It made NO sense at all for the candles to move. But Lou's
performance is so outstanding you never stop to figure it out. VERY funny,
one of Lou's career highlights. Also helped that Joan Davis was involved with
the routine. A+C meet Frankenstein had Lou reading about Frankenstein in the
dark, (candle light). A candle is on the coffin behind him. As
Dracula opens the coffin, the candle moves. Lou wasn't quite as funny this
time round but the scene has good atmosphere. Lou ruined the routine in
the TV show by firing a caps pistol at the candles. Poor old Hillary
Brooke didn't know whether it was her cue to look up or not! Also in live
Colgate TV segment.
Dice game
One of the many highlights of Buck
Privates. Bud invites Lou to participate in a game of Dice (for money) as
Lou says he has never played it before. Lou keeps coming out with gambling
phrases and beats Bud. Hilarious. Used to good effect in the TV show
"The Army story" - a TV version of Buck privates!
Moving bedroom/bodies.
3 versions. Hold that ghost,
Lou's bedroom revolves to a gambling room as he puts an item on the hat
rack. Every time he panics and drags Bud in, the room has gone back to
normal. This is hysterical. The best part is where Lou "has one
of his frenzies" and Bud drags him in. Fast paced and very
funny. Used again in A+C meet the Killer, Boris Karloff. 3 dead
bodies mysterious appear and reappear around Lou's hotel room. He drags
Bud in only to find the body has disappeared again. The same pretty much
happens in the variation in Abbott and Costello meet the Mummy only it's one
dead body that disappears. Then Lou comes across the Mummy but Bud doesn't
believe him. The last 2 routines do go on a bit but the Hold that Ghost
version is perfectly timed.
Drill routine
Probably THE highlight of Buck
Privates (and the Buck privates TV show). Bud Drilling Lou and 3 other
soldiers on parade. So popular, they showed it again in Buck privates come
home. Great fun this one. Very funny. Lou performed it on the
Steve Allen show in 1958 and was very entertaining.
Son's of Neptune
Lou has to get initiated in a club and
lots of people walk round him while one asks him questions, as he answers, they
all spit water in his face. Lou tries to do the gag on Bud. One of
funniest parts from their movies when they performed it in 'In the navy'.
Seeing Lou cracking up always makes me laugh. They used it again in the TV
show "The Charity Bizarre". A guaranteed side splitter to people
watching it for the 1st time.
13*7 = 28
Clever Maths routine where Lou
repeatedly shows Bud that the above sum works when multiplying, adding and even
divising. Very funnily used in 'In the Navy'. Not quite so in "The
little giant", but not that good in the TV show (The Buck privates clone
again!). In that one, Lou knew he was tricking Mr Fields, in In the navy,
he really believed that was what the answer was. Watch In the Navy (have
you got that impression yet? :0)
Mudder and Fodder
Lots of funny horse verbal routines in
'In ain't hay'. Lou doesn't understand that a horse eats his fodder
(thinking Bud says 'father' and a Mudder can be a he (thinking of the word
'Mother'). "The horses forelegs are in front" says Bud.
"What's those things on the back? Crutches?" Lou replies.
Also used in "The Noose hangs High" with Leon Errol taking Bud's place
but the routine isn't performed as well as it could of been (mostly due to Lou's
reactions).
Bud's lament
A rare Bud routine where he thinks Lou
has died. His chubby partner is sitting (or standing) next to him helping
with his bereavement. Both end up crying but when Bud realizes his parner
is still alive, he slaps him across the face! Used In Africa screams, A+C
in the Foreign Legion, A+C in Hollywood and the TV show
"Safari". Africa screams was by far the best version. Bud
was getting so worked up, it was plausible, he wouldn't know Lou was next to
him. Superb performance. It was rushed in 'Foreign Legion' and was
over in about 30 seconds and looked fake. A+C Hollywood had Bud thinking
he was more to blame. He talks to a guy behind the counter in a cafe as
Lou stand next to him and confesses he took the little guy for every cent he
had. As soon as He sees Lou, he slaps his across the face and drags him
out of the shop. It was too much part of the satory to be thought of a
routine but it's a nice little scene.
You're in love with a 10 year old
Bud feeds logic to Lou where if he is
40 and in love with a little girl of 10 (4 times as old), then in 5 years time
they will be 15 and 45 (3 times older) then in 15 years time, they will be 30
and 60 (twice as old), how long will it be before she catched him up. Not
the funniest of routines, used best in Buck Privates. Also used in Coming
round the mountain, TV show (think it was the drugstore) and The Noose hangs
high. pretty much the same in all versions though.
Poko Moko
The boys are in jail where a derelict
tells them a story about how a guy woos his wife and child away from him.
He catches up with them at the banks of Poko Moko where he kills him (that's why
he's in jail), every time he hears the words 'Poko Moko', he goes
crazy. Chaos ensues when Lou keeps slipping the word out. Used to
good results with Murray Leonard in Lost in a Harem and Sid Fields in TV show
(Jail). Quite a lively routine. Memorable. The 3 stooges used
it first. The location was used as 'Niagra Falls' too. Poko Moko was
a fictitious city used in the film, Lost in a Harem.
Invisible friend
The boys only performed this very
weird routine with Murray Leonard (same role in Lost in a Harem). The 3 of
them are in jail and he introduces them to his invisible friend. Abbott
plays along to keep the peace, Lou thinks they have both gone crazy. To
weird for Abbott and Costello, Lou brings the routine back to reality at the end
if of Lost in a harem version by sniggering at the camera. Used in the TV
show (Alaska) again with Leonard. Made more sense in the show cos it made
no sense anyway!
tree of truth
Used in pardon my Sarong (very funny)
and another version was used in A+C go to Mars (bland). Lou sits under a
tree and if he tells a lie, a coconut will falls on his head. He is with
his girl and Bud tells him to tell her a story. He keeps telling her the
same story but never reveals the end of it as it will disgust Bud. In the
end she stands up and tells her then end, he lies and tonnes of coconuts fall on
his head. Very funny ending cos we get wrapped up in the new routine and
forget about the tree for a minute. The A+C got o Mars version had Lou
sitting on something and he was questioned, if he lied then he's get an electric
shock. Pardon my sarong version was very funny.
Go ahead and back up
Lou has to reverse the car, Bud says
"Back up, go ahead" and "Will you go and ahead and back
up!!". Lou doesn't understand. Worked best in pardon my sarong
'cos they stopped it before it got too boring unlike a TV show they did (second
series) where it goes on for ages. Bud was unconvincing too. He
couldn't wait to tell Lou to back up - go ahead. oh, whatever!
Their trademark routine.
Immortal routine about names of a baseball team. Read the script here.
They performed a portion of it in "One night in the tropics" which was
staged weird because they showed a man in the background (who had a few close
ups) looking miserable throughout. I thought that ruined the scene a
little. They performed the full routine in "The naughty
nineties" which was brilliant, Colgate comedy hour (live) and the TV show
(actors home). It was slower in the TV show as the boys (particularly Bud
was losing his speed). Naughty nineties is the way to go!
Hole in the wall
This has a strange premise. Bud says
"Suppose you go over and bore a hole in the wall" so Lou replies,
"Ok I bore a hole in the wall" then Bud snaps back "WHY??
Why would you bore a hole in the wall" and so on. The routine in it's
entirety goes on to include the Mustard routine. Bud asks Lou to put some
mustard on his hotdog, Lou says Mustard makes him sick and the 2 argue about Lou
not liking mustard. For those who haven't heard it, I will write the
script to it pretty soon. The hotdog routine made more sense in "One
night in the tropics" as they didn't take to higher levels. They also
performed it in "The Noose hangs high" and TV show "Rookies"
Pack/unpack
Very funny visual routine has the boys
having to leave town or on holiday and Lou is packing as he packs, Bud changes
his mind about leaving so Lou has to pack the suitcase again. It starts
off slower but gets faster and faster. Very funnily performed in "Hit
the Ice". Also in TV show "Holiday". The boys did a
variation where Lou puts his trousers (pants) on and off (notice he never zips
them up infront of the cameras) in "The Noose hangs high". That
also was a funny scene.
"Turn off the radio"
Lou plays a radio and someone in
authority gets mad and tells him to stop. Bud tells him to keep playing
it. Very funny routine also. Done wonderfully in all 3 performances where
I have seen it. Buck Privates and TV Show "Hillary's
birthday". They did a variation in 'In society' where Lou bibs the
horn to attract the attention of a cab driver. The cop on duty gets
mad. Very noisy scene but funny.
Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee
The boys are in a cafe and Bud has
just a quarter. To appear as a big shot to the waitress, Bud orders a
Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee and tells Lou to say he is not hungry.
In front of the waitress, Abbott keeps telling Lou to go and order
something. Every time he does, Bud slaps him and tells him he not to order
anything! Entertaining but not one of their best. Probably
worked better in the TV show (hungry) than it did in "Keep em
flying". Worth catching though
Kiss a girl
The boys see a stall where beautiful
girls are standing in a line with numbers on them 1-9 then a 0. A man says
for cash he can guess what number of the girl Lou can kiss. When he does,
Bud says he can beat him at his own game, the man goes and picks '0' which ruins
Bud's plans of tapping Lou on the shoulder. Worked best in Rio Rita
(thanks to Lou's excellent add-libbing). Though the very end fell flat.
Was good too in the TV show (Little old lady or Charity Bizarre) though when Bud
chastises Lou for giving away the number to easy, he should of tried it himself
instead of trusting Lou, so it didn't make TOO much sense but it's a very
entertaining set up non the less. Go with the Rio Rita version (try not to
think of the very end)
Call for help
Lou has a call to make but is
frequently told by the operator that the line is busy. Other people come
up to the phone and immediately get put through to other parts of the
world. This is a Costello solo and it worked terrifically in Who done
it? Due to the very urgent nature of the call (and the clock is
ticking). Lou himself was much funnier too. On stage, for the
Colgate Hour, Lou crashed in the telephone booth and fell over. A
delightful scene! They also performed it for TV but as the call wasn't
urgent it wasn't quite as funny. Definately go with the Who done it?
version. A highlight of the film.
Take your pick
This was improvised on the set of
Abbott and Costello meet the Mummy where the boys dig a hole. Bud's pick
is his shovel, while Lou picks the pick. Obviously, Lou can't understand
how Bud's pick (ie, his choice) is his shovel. Obvious comedy and no
really that funny. Mildly amusing.
Handcuffs
Lou tricks someone trying to handcuff
him into handcuffing themselves (A guy who is dumber than Lou obviously).
When Lou has had his fun, he runs off to get Bud but the man has been freed and
when Bud returns, he pretends to be handcuffed still. Very funny in
"Who done it?" Bud had a lot to do too. In A+C meet
Captain Kidd, Bud discovered straight away that he was unhandcuffed and ran
off. In Who done it?, he coaxed Lou to 'take a poke at him' (to William
Bendix's dumb character). I say DEFINITELY go with the Who done it?
version.
Alright!
Bud sits behind a piano with a record
player and plays a piano record, Lou sits at the piano and pretends to play to
impress someone. The key word is "Alright" that's when Bud
should stop and start playing. Chaos ensues when Bud misses his
cues. Very funny routine. "Hit the ice" is the bet version
solely because of the side splitting topper when Lou speaks to the camera!
The TV show (Hillary's father) is good too. That ends with Bud throwing
Lou at the piano crashing him through it!
Wrestling/boxing tally
Lou had boxing matches in "Buck privates" and "A+C meet the
Invisible man" and wrestled in "here come the co eds" and in the
TV show (The wrestler)
Dancing
Lou did two comic dances that were
virtually the same. Hold that ghost (with Joan Davis) was much more physical and
much more funny than the other, from Jack and the Beanstalk where Lou dances
with 6 footed Dorothy Ford. They are trying to get it on but unevenly, she
keeps belting him. Makes no sense really. The Hold that Ghost one
was perfect. Very very funny.
Fleugal street
Changed to "Susquehanna street
for 'In Society', this is a classic routine that was written by Billy K. Wells
in 1918. Lou has to deliver some hats to a hat company for a friend but
doesn't know where the road is so he has to stop people and ask them. All
the people turn out to be loonies. He tries a hat on and each time he
encounters a loony, they break it and Abbott tallies up the cost as they go
along. Crazy routine this one, suited to the TV show more than the
film. Enjoyable and memorable non the less.
Loafing
I have only heard this one done on the
TV show. Bud has got a job in a baker's loafing. Lou was loafing
round the house and wants to know how Abbott can get paid for loafing. Bud
goes on to say his father was a big loafer. How do you loaf? asks
Lou, "Well, first you kneed the dough..." well, you get the
idea. Good routine though. I would of liked to see them perform this in
the early forties to see how funny it can actually be.
The lion skin
Bud wants Lou to appear more brave to
others so he dresses up in a lion skin where Lou can pretend to tame him.
He gets into a ridiculously fake lion skin costume - just as a real lion
approaches. Bud faints and the lion appears. Lou plays around with it
unaware it's a real lion. Pretty funny routine used well in Africa Screams and
the TV show (They did an Africa screams clone TV show). Bud's Lament
routine was used after this routine as Bud thinks the lion kills Lou. Good
variation used in The naughty nineties too when Bud dresses up as a bear and a
real bear escapes. Lou simply talks to the camera at the end of the
routine - only for the bear to appear again in which he faints. More funny
than the Africa screams version.
Milking the cow
Lou gets to comic mischief trying to
milk a cow. Pumping the tail, talking to the cow, "Milk her from the
back" says Bud, so Lou jumps up and sits on the cow's back like a cowboy.
"How do you milk this cow?" asks Lou, "That's not a cow, it's a
steer and steers don't give milk" says Bud, "Then where do we get
steerilised milk from?" asks Lou. The tail keeps flicking on to his
face so he ties a weight on it, the weight smacks in his face! Lots of
verbal and physical comedy in this good routine. Used well in Ride 'em
cowboy, Colgate TV and some used in the TV show.
Volts and Watts
Only seen this one used in "Who
done it?". Talking about "Watt are volts"?, "That's
right" etc. "Next thing you'll be telling me, Watts on second
base!" Shouts Lou as a great reference to their trademark
routine. (A clip of Who's of first has a cameo appearance in that film
also"). It's an obvious routine but a great excuse to see Lou get
worked up again.
Iron Ore
Used in 'Mexican Hayride" and TV
show "Alaska". Bud explains the terms used in Mining. Lou can't
understand. He gets the wrong stick (again) when Bud talks about striking
the mother load. He thinks Bud wants him to beat up his mother while she's
carrying a load! So so routine, worked better in the TV (A good episode
that was)
Oyster routine
The routine consists of Lou trying to
enjoy a bowl of Oyster soup. A real life oyster is in the bowl and keeps
spitting the soup at him. I didn't feel this was a great routine.
When Bud put his fork in the soup, there was no oyster. It was a bit to
silly for me to enjoy. A better variation was in "Foreign
Legion" with a fish with newly acquired false teeth. A good variation
was also used in "The Wistful widow of Wagon Gap" where a frog is put
in Lou's soup. This version made much more sense and was more
enjoyable. The Oyster version appear n "Here come the co-eds"
and TV show (Hungry)
Phone scenes:
There are various good phone scenes to look out for (Apart from a call for help
routine). Costello and William Gargan in 'Keep 'em flying', Bud and Lou in
"Abbott and Costello in Hollywood", and Lou and Jo Calleia in 'The
Noose hangs high'. All revolves on misunderstandings and arguments.
All nice, entertaining scenes.