Abbott and Costello radio broadcasts.
It was quite difficult to reproduce the script here due to people talking at
once and the audience laughing. My guess is that it was broadcast in the
mid/early 40s. It's from a great cassette that a friend in the USA bought
me for Christmas. Hope this don't break any copyright rules but for the
people round the world who would never get the chance to listen to a broadcast
on cassette (unless they too have friends in America), this page is dedicated.
So it's on with the Abbott and Costello show...
Lou: Hey Abbott, what time is it?
Bud: It's time for the Abbott and Costello show! We are on the air for ABC
here in Hollywood
Lou: Well what are we waiting for? let's go, with the Abbott and
Costello show
(Lots of applause and whistling - music plays)
Announcer: (probably Ken Niles): yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show.
Produced and transcibed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure. Hold
on to your chairs (or cheers) folks for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou
Costello (music ends)
Lou: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY AABBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!
(lots more applause, cheers and whistles)
Bud: Co- (laughing already) Costello! Costello! You're late again!
Lou: Well I was watching the girls admiring Lana Turner's new necklace
Bud: Lana Turner has a new necklace?
Lou: Yes, made out of her old wedding rings! (Audience laughs)
Bud: Hey, who was that girl you was with last night?
Lou: ooooohhh. That's my new girl!
Bud: What's she like Lou?
Lou: What's she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, bourbon
Bud: Where did you meet this girl?
Lou: oohh, at the Paladium. I asked her for a dance
Bud: Did you dance the foxtrot, the tango or the waltz?
Lou: The one step!
Bud: The one step?
Lou: One step and I changed my mind about dancing with her!
Bud: Why? wasn't she a good dancer?
Lou: No, but she makes you forget about dancing during the intermision (can't
make out this word, neither can the audience and no one laughs) (whistles)
Lou: When I took her home, I kissed her goodnight and got a real good kick out
of it
Bud: Her kisses are that good?
Lou: No her father caught us! (loads of laughter here)
Bud: Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why
don't you settle down and get married Lou?
Lou: Not me Abbott, getting married is like going to a cafeteria
Bud: Like a cafeteria?
Lou: yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it later! (loads more laughs -
Applause)
Another broadcast
Lou: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY AAABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!
Music - applause - whistling
Lou: Hey Abbott, Hey Abbott, Abbott!! (all excited)
Bud: Co-
Lou: Abbott!
Bud: Costello - Costello - Costello! Calm yourself!! Why are you so excited??
Lou: Hey Abbott! I think the war is over!
Bud: OOhh, that's silly. What makes you think the war is over?
Lou: I heard the lady next door talking back to her maid! (lots of laughs)
Bud: Well, never mind that (Lou can be heard in the background talking and the
audience is still laughing) - Yes (answering to him) - Look Never
mind that Lou
Bud: Look, you know we have got to drive out to the 'eight-to-the-bar' ranch to see
the Andrews sisters. Now did you borrow Ken Miles' car?
Lou: Oh yeah, I borrowed it, just like you told me
Bud: Well, that's Swell
Lou: But I had a terrible accident Abbott
Bud: What do you mean?
Lou: I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Ken Miles wife won't
like it!
Bud: well, we can do that when we come back from the Andrews Sisters' ranch
Lou: No, I gotta turn the car over right now or Mrs. Niles is going to be mad
Bud: I'll explain to Mrs. Niles. Where is she?
Lou: She's under the car! (Audience laughs)
Bud: She under the car?? eh eh, is she in a coma??
Lou: No, she's wearing her evening gown!
Bud: Ohhh! Well then lets get Ken Niles to help us lift the car!
Lou: OOhh, Kenneth's in a good spot to help us
Bud: Fine! eh, where is he?
Lou: He's under the car too!
Bud: For goodness sakes! How did this accident happen?
Lou: I bumped into another car Abbott, boy that driver was mad at me
Lou: He said ' for 2 cents, I'd punch you in the nose'
Bud: And what happened?
Lou: He ran up a bill of 8 dollars! (Lots of laughs from the audience!)
Bud: You were silly to argue with the driver! Why didn't you call a policeman?
Lou: I didn't have too - I hit one!
Bud: You hit a policeman?
Lou: I hit a policeman
Bud: You hit a Policeman in uniform?
Lou: No, I hit him in the nose
Bud: ooh, this liable to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters ranch - eh,
did the cop recognize you?
Lou: Yep
Bud: eh, could he swear to you?
Lou: yep - and I'd swear right back at him! (lots of laughs)
Lou: I said you old David Copperfield you tale of two cities you Oliver Twist
Bud: Why did you say that for?
Lou: I was giving him the Dickens!
Lots of laughs and applause - more laughs
Bud: ohhh, this is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten you out
with that policeman. Where is he?
Lou: He's under the car too!
Bud: What are they all doing under the car?
Lou: Have you took it apart lately? (Really can't make it this line, I
think this is what he says) - the audience don't appear to understand him either
Bud: oh oh - uh oh, here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Better beat it
Costello!
Mrs. Niles: Oh no you don't ! You fat headed, flabby, car flipping
fool! Do you realise you left me out there under the car holding up my
Rumbleweed (can't make out this word either)
Mrs. Niles: Don't stand there like an idiot, what have you got to say?
Lou: Good Morning Mrs. Niles (Thought she was wearing her evening gown!)
Mrs. Niles: Don't 'good morning' me!
Lou: Good night Mrs. Niles! That day went fast didn't it? (lots of laughs
from audience!)
Bud: Costello! Why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of
her car?
Lou: Well, isn't that where they always keep the crank?
Mrs. Niles: Kenneth...
Lou: (after audience stops laughing) <shouts> (Probably an add-lib) You
had it coming Mrs. Niles!
Bud: No no. Be nice Lou.
Mrs. Niles: (continuing from her last sentence) Kenneth, Say something
Mr. Niles: Well, alright...I er...Just a minute now you worm
Lou, Bud mumble together. Bud: Alright alright - please.
Lou: Go ahead, go ahead ball me out kid! You're supposed to
Mr. Niles: (trying not to laugh) You're trying to wiggle out of
this! What about me? Look at my suit! I'm a mess!
Lou: Niles! Without looking at your suit, you're a mess!
Mr. Niles: But look at the spots all over my suit!
Lou: Well throw away the suit and wear the spots
Mrs. Niles: Oh Costello. I've had enough. We're going out to
get the policeman and sue you for damages!
Bud: Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt??
Mrs. Niles: Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazybone
Lou: Put your hat on and no one will notice it!! AHAA!!
Mrs. Niles: Ooooh!! Come Kenneth!
Lou: Hey, come on Abbott, think fast I gotta get out of here before they come
back with the cop
Bud: ohh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch
to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked
the car we were going to use! Well, now we'll have to rent a car
Lou: Well, lets get another car! (the boys pick up momentum here and it's fast
paced and funny - audience are laughing throughout))
Bud: We'll have to!
Lou: But where can we get one?
Bud: A U drive
Lou: Me drive?
Bud: No...U drive!
Lou: I said I'd drive
Bud: You don't drive it. I drive it
Lou: drive what?
Bud: A U drive
Lou: Why should I drive when you wanna drive?
Bud: I'm going to drive! Look Costello, I'm renting a U drive and I
drive it
Lou: Oh then we both drive it
Bud: No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive,
I don't mean *you* drive, I mean that I drive although it's a U drive
Lou: When you say U drive, you don't mean me drive?
Bud: no
Lou: you mean 'you drive' because I don't drive
Bud: Now you've got it!
Lou: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Lou: Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a
car?
Bud: Yes
Lou: You are driving a car?
Bud: Yes
Lou: Where am I sitting?
Bud: You are sitting right next to me
Lou: Is there a steering wheel in front of me?
Bud: No!
Lou: And you are positive that I am not driving?
Bud: I'm positive!
Lou: And you are driving the car?
Bud: Yes!
Lou: Alright, what kind of a car you are driving?
Bud: U DRIVE!
Lou: somebody better be driving!
Bud: No no no...look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a
car
Lou: right, now where we gonna get it?
Bud: U drive company.
Lou: Now I drive company. (shouts) I thought we were going alone!
Bud: You don't understand!! It's Hertz U drive
Lou: Well, if it hurts, *you* drive
Bud: That is right!
Lou: That's right?? This is getting worse!
Bud: Don't you see? the head of the company's Hertz
Lou: That's to bad, what hurts him?
Bud: Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head (Abbott is
laughing now!)
Lou: Naturally!
Bud: Now this company's head's Hertz
Lou: Oh! Why doesn't he take an asprin?
Bud: Listen. It's Hertz U drive - ALL over the country
Lou: Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get
hurt?
Bud: You don't get hurt!
Lou: (child whine) - IIII'm not going to get hurt
Bud: You don't get hurt Costello!
Lou: Nobody's gonna hurt meeee!!
Bud: That's right. You're not going to get hurt
Lou: I'm not a fool to get hurt
Bud: You're not going to get hurt. It's the Hertz company!
Lou: (understanding now) Oh the Hertz company!
Lou: (really messes up the routine now!) I still...I still...Look
Abbott...I...Am I mixed up!!
Bud: Alright. It's very simple!
Lou: Look Abbott - thank you boy! look Abbott
Bud: alright
Audience has twigged and they are talking over laughter
Bud: Now...
Lou: I don't want to hurt nobody
Bud: Will you listen to me please (Abbott, being the great straight-man
displaying his skills here) - the man's name is...
But it's too late, the audience starts applauding and cheers.
Bud: Look, Lou, please...look, take it easy..the man's name is Hertz, he
rents cars. U Drive. It's the U drive all over the country
Lou: U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother
Bud: What are you talking about?
Lou: That's why I can't go, O.P.A.
Bud: What do you mean O.P.A
Lou: Only a Puny "A" Card!!
Bud: Get outta here!!
The End
PUNY "A" CARD??? Here is
the explanation:
The O.P.A. refers to the Office of
Price Administration, the U.S.government agency in charge of rationing during
World War II. The punchline to this routine ("Only a puny 'A' card!")
refers to gasoline rationing cards issued to the public beginning in 1942.
Ordinary citizens with a car got 5 gallons of gasoline a month with an
"A" card. People with certain occupations got "B" cards (10
gallons), while others with "essential jobs" like doctors got "C"cards
(more than 10 gallons) depending on how "essential" their occupation
was considered and how far they had to drive to work.
Citizens received stickers (marked "A," "B" or
"C") to put on the front windshield (windscreen) of the car. So, the
joke is that a puny "A" card wouldn't buy
you enough gasoline to drive "all over the
country"...
More later...
Thanks to Rodney for the material! and thanks to Marie for the "A" card reference!