Mice. Filthy, disgusting, greasy, mucky, hairy, cute, cuddly, lovely, nasty, disease-ridden mice. Everywhere you look - mice. They have only one purpose: To spread mice.

Day One.

After numerous sightings, two photographs (above) and much worry as to the amount of filth being distributed around the House of Steel, it was time to confront the Mouse of Steel once and for all. A trip to the hardware shop on Shaftesbury Ave produced results: 4 "Big Cheese" snap traps for £1.25.

Upon inspection, the traps looked simple but effective. A few minutes' playing around with them, and it became apparent that they were almost impossible to set.

Trap 1: I used a pair of pliers to bend the locking arm of one of the traps a little more than usual, which seemed to do the trick. I moulded a bit of processed smoked cheese around the bait arm, set the trap and placed it in the cupboard where the Mouse of Steel is known to operate.
Trap 2: I tried bending the bait pedal catch of this trap instead of the locking arm. This one went in the corner by the bin, a hole into which the Mouse of Steel has been seen escaping.
Trap 3: The bait pedal and the arm were adjusted on this trap, as above. Cheese attached and trap primed, I put this one in Simon's room near the CD player. The mouse has been sighted trying to escape from the nearby cupboard.

These modifications will, of course, make the traps harder to set off, but sacrifices must be made if the traps are to be set in the first place.

Trap 4: This one didn't need any adjustment. It sits in the bathroom near a hole which could be a mousular haunt, ready to spring on its victim.

The score is nil-nil, the bell is sounded, and the games may begin!

Day One: Evening.
Simon sets one of the traps off "to see how it works". After much shouting, the trap is reset.

Day Two
Nothing happens.

Day Three
Simon sets off the cupboard trap accidentally, and resets it.

Day Four
Fed up with the lack of mousy deaths, I buy two more packs of four traps from Camden on behalf of Simon and Xavi, who are both lazy and useless, as well as a pot of peanut butter (which, apparently, they love). I head to the cupboard with two traps, one of which has lightly toasted peanut butter as bait, and the other untoasted. I open the cupboard and examine the trap. The results are shocking.

The little mouse has taken the cheese without setting the trap off!

So, the mouse obviously doesn't mind the smell or taste of the pungent processed cheese. I replace this trap with two new peanut buttered ones. None of the new traps, may I add, have been doctored in any way, and although they are difficult to set, it is possible.

A pair of traps is placed in the hallway, a pair underneath the oven, a single one in Simon's room near the bookcase (where he first saw the mouse in his room), a single one beside the utility cupboard, and the de-cheesed trap is set beside the kitchen bin (augmenting the kitchen bin corner's current arsenal).

The score is one-nil to the Mouse of Steel. Time is called, and the games recommence.

Day Five
At approximately 5pm, I walk into the kicten and turn on the light to find that the Mouse of Steel has tried to eat the peanut butter from one of the traps under the oven, and the result is unanimous:

ELIMINATED! The trap has come down on the mouse just behind its eyes and killed it cleanly and quickly.

I then took a photograph of the mouse dead in the trap. It's not particularly high quality, and there's no blood, but readers of a sensitive nature are advised NOT to see the picture of the DEAD MOUSE (you have been warned!). Otherwise,

News just in: There's at least one more mouse.

We have rebaited and reset three traps under the oven, one by the bin, one near the newly almost-mouse-proofed cupboard, one on the surface near where the mice escape down the back of the oven, and one in Simon's room. One in the hallway remains, as does the one in Simon's room, and by the utility cupboard. Tomorrow I am confident that there will be one more dead body to dispose of. The house needs mouseproofing. I will ask the landlord next time he appears.

News just in: KILLING SPREE! The mouse is dead. It died in the trap in the corner of the room by the cupboard, mere hours after setting the trap. We heard it go off. House of Steel 2, Mouses of Steel 1

News just in: MEGA KILL! A day later, another mouse is dead! It died in the worktop trap near the oven gap. That's 3 mice. However, all the bait has been taken from all 4 other kitchen traps without setting any of them off. Three of these may well have been the traps that I doctored at first. Silly me.

House of Steel 3, Mouses of Steel 5. Little bastards. This scoring system is slightly unfair because the HoS has to kill a mouse to score a point, whereas all the MoS has to do to score is simply eat some peanut butter!

The floor trap flipped over during or after its attack. This could be because, since it got the mouse on the back, the mouse flipped it over while wriggling about in a spasm of uncontrollable deadness (nerve reflexes maybe). It could be because of the force of the attack, or because the mouse was scared when it went off and jumped. I have purchased 4 more traps to replenish the arsenal.

Photos follow. Links open in a new window. WARNING! These are pictures of dead mice. They are VERY dead. Not for the squeamish! "Worktop trap closeup" is a particularly macabre photograph. Excellent.

News just in: MMMMMMONSTER KILL!! !Another mouse eliminated!

15/02/05. 12:30 am. I saw a mouse in the toilet, disappearing into a hole in the wall near the pipes. Minutes later, I heard the hallway trap go off, and upon further inspection, found that it had successfully killed a mouse.

This one was the most grisly death yet. The trap had sprung on the mouse's head, crushing it just behind the eyes and forcibly ejecting them form its head. This time, there was blood. When I found the mouse, it was still twitching, but after 20 seconds it had stopped. I doubt it was alive: its head had been crushed. Mashed, if you will. Flattened.

Xavi and future Housemate of Steel, Miika, took the following pictures. The usual warning applies: Don't look at the pictures if you are easily offended, or squeamish, or pro-animal-rights, or under the age of 12. Particularly horrible little boys will love these pictures: they're the most horrible ever!