False CRC-CCITT calculation in the Shakespeare programming language.

  Romeo, the alpha male.
  Robin, a cheap but reliable gent.
  Octavia, a practical girl with an image problem.
  Portia, an expensive, high-maintenance model.
  Ford, a general purpose four-by-four.



    Act I: Setting up Romeo for a date.

    Scene I: Raising the flags.

[Enter Portia and Ford]

Portia:
  You are my fair gentle proud noble cousin.

[Exit Ford]

[Enter Romeo]

Portia:
  You are as handsome as the sum of your codpiece and the square of the
  square of Ford.

[Exit Romeo]

[Enter Robin]



    Act II: Getting to know Portia.

    Scene I: Grabbing a bite.

Robin:
  Open your mind.  Are you as dirty as my Hog?

Portia:
  If so, we must proceed to Act IV.


    Scene II: Putting Portia on a mirrored pedestal.

Robin:
  You are as smooth as the product of you and twice twice the cube of
  the sweetest bluest plum.  Remember your happiness!



    Act III: The lovers are intertwined.

    Scene I: Portia starts Robin at the bottom.

Portia:
  You angel.


    Scene II: She draws him up to her level.

Portia:
  You are as sweet as twice yourself.  Are you more delicious than I?

Robin:
  If not, let us return to Scene II.


    Scene III: Robin is cut-up until he capsizes.

Portia:
  You are as rich as the quotient between you and your tiny purse.  Are
  you more healthy than me?

Robin:
  If so, we shall return to Scene III.

[Exit Robin]

[Enter Romeo]

Romeo:
  Is a flower fresher than Robin?  If not, is Robin nicer than the
  remainder of the quotient between me and twice Robin?

Portia:
  If so, you are as happy as the sum of Robin and you.  If not, you are
  as sorry as the difference between yourself and Robin.

[Exit Romeo]

[Enter Robin]

Robin:
  You are as noble as the difference between you and me.  Are you
  better than nothing?

Portia:
  If so, let us return to Scene III.


    Scene IV: Returning to the Subaru teen.

Robin:
  Recall where you came from!  Are you as misused as my goat?

Portia:
  If so, we must proceed to Scene VII.


    Scene V: Romeo takes a tumble.

Portia:
  You are as rotten as twice the cube of twice Ford.  Remember yourself!

[Exit Robin]

[Enter Octavia]

Portia:
  You are as damned as a foul fatherless horrid hound.


    Scene VI: The spin cycle.

[Exit Octavia]

[Enter Romeo]

Romeo:
  You are as sunny as the sum of the sum of the cube of Ford and twice
  the square of the big blue sky and her lantern.

Portia:
  You are as handsome as the sum of you and yourself.

Romeo:
  Is Robin more brave than I?

Portia:
  If not, you are as bold as the difference between yourself and Robin.

[Exit Romeo]

[Enter Robin]

Robin:
  If so, we shall proceed to Scene VII.  Remember the lie!  We must
  return to Scene I.


    Scene VII: The sign of eight?

Portia:
  Recall Romeo's lofty station and your decrepitude.  Remember yourself!

[Exit Robin]

[Enter Octavia]

Portia:
  You are as dusty as the sum of you and the road.  Are you fresher than
  a pig?

Octavia:
  If not, let us return to Scene VI. 

[Exit Octavia]

[Enter Robin]

Portia:
  Recall that you are one wheel short of a shopping trolley.  We shall
  return to Act II.



    Act IV: After the kiss, the telling.

    Scene I: Starting at the top.

Portia:
  You are as miserable as the cube of Ford.


    Scene II: Divulging each juicy morsel.

Robin:
  You are as fat as the remainder of the quotient between the quotient
  between Romeo and me and Ford.

Portia:
  Is the sum of me and an infected blister less snotty than the cube of
  my little sister?

Robin:
  If so, you are as cowardly as the sum of the sum of twice Ford and the
  big old yellow moon and the sum of yourself and a leech.  You are as
  vile as the sum of the sum of you and Ford and twice Ford.  Speak your
  mind!

Portia:
  You are as stupid as the quotient between yourself and Ford.  Is a
  hamster more noble than you?

Robin:
  If not, let us return to Scene II.


    Scene III: Drawing a line under it all.

Portia:
  You are as green as the sum of my huge blossoming old tree and a
  healthy mistletoe.  Speak your mind!

[Exeunt]