It's a dull Saturday afternoon at South Yorkshire Midweek F.C......The 27,949 crowd is roused from its goal-less stupor as the white-booted villain, Dastardly D.Canio' Worms, sends, stumbling backwards onto the Mountainsborough turf, our hero.....the entirely trustworthy and upright holder of virtue and high standards, Al A.Cuplock. Regaining his accepted dignity, Cuplock raises a small piece of red plastic above the mist that threatens to destroy the game itself........

The standing of referees seems to have been to the fore during the early weeks of the season. As ever, the guardians of the seventeen Laws of The Game have been pilloried / berated / scrutinised (delete as appropriate) more than ever. Television, radio, the Press, players and - increasingly so - managers have little good to say. This prevalent attitude manifests itself down to Parks football.

Let me now quote Sue Mott, from the "Daily Telegraph" of 28th September 1998:

....... "Football is increasingly peopled, it seems, by thugs who have neither the intelligence nor the will to police their own behaviour"......

...... "There is a teeny-weeny - surely groundless - suggestion that Paul AIcock plummeted to the ground with the theatricality of Sir John Gielgud (produced by Jurgen Klinsmann), thus maximising the issue of abuse to referees. If he did, and I'm sure he did not, not many people would blame him.".....

Will Sue Mott's comments infiltrate to Parks football? Not for me to comment... but I do know that there is no body more self-critical, more open to public and private assessment, than the refereeing fraternity. So, colleagues, put aside your doubts, and consider the answers to three questions.

1. You hope to hear people saying, "Good game, ref." at the end of the match. What are you doing to make sure that it happens?

Did you make a positive contribution without trying to dominate proceedings? Were you noticed as little as possible without being ineffective? How many associated with the losing team were appreciative of your efforts?

2. Are you happy about your positioning?

Were you close enough to make decisions which could not be questioned? Or did you get too close on occasions? Were you wide / deep enough at the appropriate times?

3. "What are you like?"

Yes...we're all different, but in many respects we can achieve consistency. We can be smart. We can appear calm in a crisis, and can apply our knowledge of the Laws without being pedantic. We can achieve match control by being seen to be firm and fair to both teams. We can leave arrogant attitudes to others, and can take appropriate action....in a 'professional' manner.

Player B.B. once announced of this scribe, "He won't give 'owt....he's a f*****g w****r."

For his pains, player B.B. took no further part in the game, and the County F.A. ensured that he took no part in several games a few weeks hence !

A former England captain was taking part in a reserve match for his club, to regain full fitness, having recovered from a long injury. In his desire to make his arrogant presence known, he said to the referee, "Do you know who I am?" The official cut the superstar to size by enquiring of the said player's trainer, "Have you got anything for amnesia? This lad doesn't know his name!"

However you want to gain respect...we're not all comedians...do it properly and uphold the good name of referees. Never let anything go that will make life difficult for the referee who follows you the week after.