Lay-deez and gentlemen, welcome to this sparkling occasion, this star-studded-leather gala night, the first and (hopefully) last ever Blake's Seven Ball. Standing at the door to announce our many and varied guests, we have our stalwart callers -
So stand by to raise your glasses, for the first arrivals are even now entering the ballroom...
Welcome, please, Mr and Mrs Rationtrooper and their militaristic son, Freddy Rationtrooper (NF).
Mr and Mrs Preme-commander-Servalan with their daughter, Sue Preme-commander-Servalan (NF).
And from the Far East, Mr and Mrs Huan-An-Tu with their psychotic son, Travis Huan-An-Tu (NF).
And we shouldn't forget Sir Val of Lan. (Hey, you guys try and do better in a language that isn't your own - JT).
The Liphs of Crandor with their daughter, Kay (NF).
And from Goth, Mr and Mrs Tent with their adoring protegee Cher. Cher loves theTents of Goth (NF).
Mr and Mrs Rator and their enormous but elegant daughter, Libby (NF).
Mr. and Mrs. Neame-Hull, and their son, astronautics engineer Hercule A. Neame-Hull (Mi)
A rousing welcome if you please to Mr and Mrs Kinesis-is-a-myth-at-least-according-to-Tarrant, who have brought along their skeptical son, Terry Kinesis-is-a-myth-at-least-according-to-Tarrant (NF).
Mr and Mrs Repair-Circuits and their son Otto (JH).
Mr and Mrs Cell, and their three-year-old son, who had an unfortunate encounter with some roadworks, and the bitumen therefrom, tarry Al Cell (KA).
Who let that dog in here? It's Mr Oid with his mutt. He looks hungry - throw him a sop, Ron (JP).
And let's not overlook Mr and Mrs Distortdrive with their son, Tim (NF).
Mr and Mrs Ternalsurveillancesystem with their perspicacious son, Ian Ternalsurveillancesystem (let's get that one out of the way - NF)
Diverted from an emergency flight to Aristo, Mr and Mrs Ropowercells with their son, Mike Ropowercells (NF).
And not forgetting that zippy little fellow, Perce Yootship (NF).
Mr and Mrs Response could not decide whether to bring their unmarried, entertaining boy (who is embarassed by his first name) or his more serious brother. Therefore they will be accompanied by the single, fun son I. Sam or Vic Response (JH).
Look, here's Mr and Mrs What-a-single-function-isomorphic-response-is and their daughter, Wanda What-a-single-function-isomorphic-response-is (JP)
And her best friend Imogen, daughter of Mr and Mrs Pack. Immy Pack (NF).
Mr and Mrs Fication-Programme are rumoured to have used underhand methods in ensuring the attendance of their own daughter, Patsy Fication-Programme (NF).
A rather promiscuous chap, known only as Stanley, who has fathered children with half a dozen different women. Stan, dad by six (NF).
Mr and Mrs Swall and their children, the four Swalls (JH).
Mr Fifty and his dominating wife Eileen (JH).
And here come Mr and Mrs Plagueship, with their Kalashnikov-toting daughter, Wanda 'AK-47' Plagueship (NF)
Mr. and Mrs Of-agitated-atoms, and their spineless son, Hy 'wishy-washy' Claude Of-agitated-atoms (Mi).
Please have at hand your Alka Seltzer for those worried parents: Mr and Mrs Alpha and their invalid daughter, Sick Ness Alpha (UM).
The Frenchwoman who became an Oriental mystic, Sikh Lo Kate De Stroi (Av).
Here come Mr and Mrs Destiny, with their daughter who works in a railway goods yard and is hence known as Miss 'Shunter' Destiny (NF).
Mr and Mrs Bennet-I-can't-believe-they-transmitted-'Stardrive' and their son, Gordon Bennet-I-can't-believe-they-transmitted-'Stardrive' (UM).
Mr. and Mrs. Death, and their Russian daughter-in-law daughter, Rue Morsov-Death (Av).
Mr and Mrs Emption, with their fanatically Communist son, 'Red' Emption (NF).
Mr and Mrs Ance have also brought along their son, Del Ivor Ance (NF).
Dear Ronald, and all his offspring, the children of our Ron (Av).
And here come Zeus and Apollo. They no longer live on Mount Olympus, preferring to rent a basement flat in East Cheam, and they've brought along the girl who lives on the ground floor, Dawn over Gods (NF).
Let's hope that the mood can be lifted by the appearance of those two Egyptian deities: first, the eight-legged god of goats, Cairo Pan Spider, and with him the goddess who warms our hearts and hearths by always raising a laugh: ha! Vesta Cairos (UM).
And let's not forget Old Father Time, bringing with him one of his four children, Time's Quad (UM).
Whoops! I almost overlooked Mr and Mrs Hunter and their son, Ed (JH).
Mr and Mrs Smith with their son Ronald, who has in turn brought along his own eldest, a frighteningly cold-hearted child known to his grandparents as the Chill Darren of Our Ron (NF).
And finally, from Sweden, Mr and Mrs Episode-saw-them-all-get-shot-on-Gauda-Prime with their son who is inevitably called Lars Episode-saw-them-all-get-shot-on-Gauda-Prime (NF).
The Withycomb-Pewters, and their son Neville R. Q. Withycomb-Pewter (Mi).
Mr. and Mrs. N'heeros, and their son (who, in appreciation of his multi-cultural ancestry, has been named after all four of his great-grandfathers): Saddam Liam Hapu Deep N'heeros (Mi)
The three Knot brothers, who each have a wife called Jemima. One's thick as a brick, one's a waste of space, and the third can't stand social occasions. That's Jemima Knot (stupid), Jemima Knot (expendable), and Jemima Knot (going) (NF).
Mr. and Mrs. Steeth; their son couldn't make it, but they've brought one of his school chums: Annie, classmate of Ilya Steeth (Mi. Remember what Cally asked Vila to bring back from Space City!).
Famed research biologist Dr. Toothpick was too busy to find an escort for the ball, but didn't wish to attend entirely alone, and brought his favorite pet, itsy-bitty lab rat Furry Toothpick (Mi).
Mr. and Mrs. Tareau, and their son, radio personality Ken Tareau (Mi).
The T'farls have just arrived with their daughter, Bea T'farl (NF).
Several generations of the Piri family: Moe the eighth, Moe the tenth, Moe the eleventh; having recently recovered from Cancer, the one who controls the dough, Moe the ninth, is attending as well (Mi).
Lowering the tone somewhat, Mr and Mrs Sto wiv their young 'un, 'Arry (NF).
And that sturdy planetary custodian Guard Enos, with his pal, Mero (NF).
Mr and Mrs Safe and their depressed daughter, down Ann Safe (JH).
And the curvaceous bikini-clad figure with the meat cleaver has to be that well known babe, Ann the Butcher (NF).
That dangerous family the Mauls, with their vicious offspring Annie Mauls (UM).
Good God! Look at the dress Mrs Funnel is wearing! Here she is - tacky Ann Funnel (UM).
And all the way from another galaxy, Mr and Mrs Dromeda with their daughter, Janet (NF).
By special invitation, Mr and Mrs Lon, who recently became the proud parents of quins. They've bought the last-born with them - Baby Lon 5 (NF)
Mr and Mrs Kinskywalker with their Jedi daughter, Annie Kinskywalker. And that much disparaged Jedi Knight, Obi 'Wanker' Nobi (NF).
Will you please give a warm welcome to, all the way from Babylon 5, Mr and Mrs Corps and their son Cy (JP).
Your cabaret tonight, all the way from the city at the edge of the world, are that renowned troupe 'Children of Auron'. Rumours of their death have been greatly exaggerated. Their supporting act for this evening will be 'Stock Equalisation', singing along with Tommy Steele, and your host will be Cy Costrategist (JP).
Mrs Did-Avon-really-think-of-Blake who is of course married to Watt Did-Avon-really-think-of-Blake (NF).
That shadowy figure in the corner must be Terry Nostra (NF).
Oh, another late arrival. It's the United Teal football team and their Gola Keeper. There's a rumour that Vila will join as their foremost centre forward, or 'CF1' (JP).
I'm sorry to have to announce that Sue Preme-Commander-Servalan will not, in fact, be attending the ball. Tragically, she is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's disease. Indeed, things are so bad that she no longer recognises her lifelong friend, Theo Thority-of-the-President (RC).