This is a transcript of the game of Mornington Crescent (B7 version) played on the Lysator B7 mailing list in September 1999. Judith Proctor launched the game on the 13th, at 5.23 pm (BST), and the closing move was posted on the 22nd at 5.22 pm. So the game lasted exactly nine days, bar one minute!
The nature of a mailing list is such that some posts have had to be dismembered and the resulting fragments rearranged to put the vicious thrusts and counterthrusts of the more ruthless players into some kind of sensible perspective. The following text can barely hint at how gruelling that memorable week was for those who staked so much for so long to pursue so noble a goal. Make no mistake, this was true character-building stuff, and some of the scars may never really heal.
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Judith Proctor - Do you think we'd get flung off the list if we started playing 'Mornington Crescent'? The rules would adapt very easily. The winner is obviously the first player to return to Earth, though for obvious reasons we'd have to ban the use of planets with retrograde orbits.
Neil Faulkner - Oh, we're playing by Bayban's Rules, are we? Then I'll make a Jarvik Swing and take me straight to Kainessos. Looks like you've boxed yourself in already:)
Judith - Playing tough I see. I'm fine, you forgot about the gravitational vortex. That gives me an easy move to Kairos. Have fun with the spiders...
Neil - By all means do. Meanwhile I'll exploit the clear run through Sector 4 you've left me and make my way to Malodar. Bayban's Rules, remember:)
Joanne McQueen - Erm, sorry to sound like a complete ignoramus, but would someone mind telling me what this game is? That way, even if I don't play I will be able to follow what in the world (or, rather, off it <smile>) the players are doing.
Jacqueline Thijsen - I've got this sneaking suspicion that the object of the game is to see how many obscure postings can be made before someone asks this question. I don't know why I suspect this, although the fact that Neil is participating in the game might have something to do with it.
Judith - Oh ye of little faith! I have in my kitchen a BBC cassette tape of 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'. On the box, it proudly proclaims "contains the rules for Mornington Crescent". Now admittedly <grin> the BBC had a phone call the other week from a Mrs Trellis complaining that her box appeared to be missing the rules, but anyone listening to the radio show will soon be able to pick them up.
Una McCormack - The very best thing is to learn by watching. You'll soon get the hang of it! The lovely Samantha could provide a High-Tech E-mail Mornington Superhighway version of the rules, but she doesn't have a PC. Perhaps someone could give her one?
Neil - I'd be delighted to. I'd even let her use my PC afterwards.
Steve Rogerson - Playing against both the writer and editor of the Sevencyclopaedia is going to be difficult, but I'll have a go. Anyway, Judith has banned retrograde orbits, though I think they may be allowed if you play the Picard Manoeuvre, but I could be wrong about that. Anyway, Neil has declared Bayban's rules and gone for Kainessos. A clever opening gambit, methinks, unless you do a red one mobilisation, which I am doing. Probus-4 Get out of that one if you can!
Judith - Drat, I was afraid this would happen. Playing on a list, you can never determine the order of play properly. As your move is obviously superior to mine, I'll ignore my move to Kairos (especially as I couldn't reach it from Probus 4) and reply to your move. Neil can then respond to my move, and you follow on from him. That's an interesting point with regard to the Picard Manoeuvre and I have to agree that it would supercede the rule about retrograde orbits, but do remember that it won't work close to a gas giant.
Neil - So why do you think I declared Bayban's Rules in the first place? So anyone can follow anyone, irrespective of actual order, naturally.
Una - You're right, Neil, the non real-time aspect of Bayban's Rules just adds another frisson of excitement. Come on, Judith! Show us what you're made of! ;P
Neil - Come to think of it, Judith, I thought *you* were declaring Bayban's Rules (and very sensibly too) with all that retrograde orbit stuff (tres Baybanesque, since I don't think any planet in the entire series was stated to *have* a retrograde orbit). Clearly not, and my respect for you as a player slips another notch.
Una - Probus-4? Hmm. Hmm. Neat, but not inescapable. If we extend the scope of Bayban's Rules to include the brilliantly-conceived Ardus Exception, which I do believe is acceptable under the Maryatt Convention, then I can hie me all the way to ... Calipheron.
Judith - Red one mobilisation this early in the game? That's a little desperate isn't it?
Neil - No, aggressive. And very very daring. I wouldn't want to risk it so early.
Una - Daring, huh? Well, I've seen where your move ends up.
Judith - Still, I think I can work out a suitable response. Nobody's used the teleport yet and given that you used the Picard Manoeuvre, I think I'm justified in a one-off use of an LRT (long range transmat). I will therefore move from Probus 4 to Goth. Don't forget your breathing aparatus - the atmosphere is toxic if you're exposed for long.
Neil - I'll be charitable and accredit that move to design rather than chance. Either way I'm severely restricted. And now Una's pegged Calipheron. Good grief, have you two teamed up or something? I suspect revenge for that incident with the honey-roasted peanuts at Redemption. So - Sarran. Yes, go on, laugh. Just remember I'm not dead yet, not by a long way.
Una - Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I thought we had a Grand Master here. You missed the *obvious* sideways step to Bucol-2 there - not pleasant, but plenty of natural resources - which leaves my route right open for a neat shimmy across to Gardenos. Oh, those cute little...
Andrew Ellis - In a rather rushed attempt to cheat and get the game over with quickly, my pilot Belkov misses the target and crashes the Orbiter into a nearby planet, Mars at TD 12.6.
Helen Krummenacker - Now that I've heard the rules, and understand the idea is obviously to prolong things as long as possible, I will enter into the game at Gauda Prime, thus getting killed before I have a chance to go any further. The rest of you can inch along until you run out of locations.
Una - A masterful application of Bayban's Rules, but will it stand up to scrutiny under the Sherm Convention? There'll be head-scratching over the manual tonight...
Neil - Gardenos? Hmm. I was hoping you'd leapfrog that one for Chenga, but since you're playing safe and got me inversely parallaxed from the Galactic Rim, I'll just have to go Supreme Commander and settle for Obsidian. Damn Helen and her interfering Gauda Prime manoeuvre. Looks like Judith's already dropped out - my psychological warfare has evidently paid off.
Una - Well, Neil, I know that Chenga looks like the obvious choice, but I think you'll find Gardenos really was the best option. You've got to start thinking further ahead, more strategically. As for the Obsidian move - I ask you! I didn't think we were playing beginner's level! That leaves me wide open for a sprightly avuncular thrust to Exbar.
Pita Enriquez Harris - I bet you thought you'd trap us there... its as though I could see the route you'd planned. Resurrecting the little known but highly effective Pinder Move, I'm stealing a passing Federation Starburst 3 pursuit ship fitted with a tachyon shunt (backwards tachyon funnel) and taking meself all the way to Disentastra. And before you try it anyone, don't forget that Bayban's rules say anything goes near Terminal.
Una - Pita, I'm so pleased to see you back on the Lyst that I would allow you to carry out Pinder's Move on me any day ;)
Calle Dybedahl - Now that definitely sounds like something that belongs on The Other List.
Una - <Innocent face> Purely a harmless, recreational endeavour. Nonetheless, Pita, you misjudge my cunning completely. A quick sleight of the hand, a rapid adjustment of the forward scanners, and I'm through the blockade and safely in orbit round Morphenniol. Try your tachyon trickery on that one, matey!
Kathryn Andersen - Well! I come back from working interstate (*again*) and find that people are playing Mornington Crescent! Since we are playing by Bayban's Rules, then I can still join in at this late date. Unfortunately, it is probably too late for me to protest the use of the Picard Manouvre earlier, even though it is in complete violation of the Berkeley Accord. Nonetheless, here I go - Star One. Short, but very sweet. (diabolical laugh)
Neil - Oh Kathryn, thank you thank you. I love you and I want to have your babies. My stupid move to Obsidian almost put me out of the game but now I can do a Bellfriar Flip all the way to Zondawl. So that's me 250 up on mean loading *and* In Square, so henceforth all countermoves through the Inner Worlds are subject to Aspect Limitation.
Kathryn - Darn, I didn't think of that. However, you can gloat all you like, and I shall smile serenely, because my next move takes advantage of Communication Rule 7, sub-paragraph 3, regarding Weather Control Systems: snick! I'm now on Palmero. Put *that* in your pipe and smoke it.
Andrew - In search of a new space ship (after the destruction of the Orbiter), and falling way behind the pack, I set off in a class 2 troop carrier to Caspar.
Neil - Don't worry, Una, I'll have a cuppa ready for when you get to Earth. Sorry - *if* you get to Earth.
Una - You talk a good fight, Faulkner. But you just check the ongoing parameters of the Bellfriar Flip. Bayban's Rules do funny things... That move to Zondawl doesn't seem so crafty now, does it?
Neil - Er, well, yes it does, actually.
Una - Meanwhile, your misplaced confidence leaves me cruising along at a gentle speed and docking for a refit at Space Command Headquarters. D'ya take milk and sugar, then?
Neil - How can my confidence be misplaced, when you blatantly declare an illegal move?
Una - No, no, no. It only becomes illegal when the Jubilee Line extension is finished.
Neil - This is going to be bitter, I can tell.
Una - Don't worry, Neil, I'll respect you afterwards.
Neil - Meanwhile... Caspar ... Palmero ... Oh lawdy, I've never been so spoilt for choice. Asteroid PK-118. (That'll confuse 'em).
Una - Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Domo.
Neil - When this game's finished can we play 'Hunt the Slipper'?
Una - Only if you're good.
Andrew - Clearly my Mornington Cresent moves are so crafty they are slipping past everybody unseen
Una - Curses! Neil and I were so busy pawing the ground I didn't spot you! I retire defeated.
Neil - Is that really the best you can do, McCormack? I'm retracting *all* my moves as a violation of the Stock Equalisation Act, and then I'm setting the controls for Cygnus XL. Pah! Amateurs...
Andrew - Now I'm out towards the edge of the galaxy, its off to Star One with my new StarDrive, and turn off CFC, and all other computer based systems such as Bayban's Rules. Any player without Orac to counteract this move miss one turn.
Neil - You might find that a bit difficult, since Star One was destroyed *before* Plaxton perfected her Stardrive. And Bayban's Rules are not computer-based. They are burly, leatherclad and cruel to Vila. And using Orac is cheating, anyway, unless you're prepared to confine yourself to counter-clockwise moves through odd-numbered sectors *without* belayed commands.
Judith - It came to me in a flash of inspiration last night while I was struggling with back pain to try and write up my con notes. I just have to play a Gan Sacrifice. This allows me to move into Earth orbit and thus - "I've done it!" I've won.
Neil - Well done. Except we're not playing that silly game any more. Instead we're playing ... er ... I know - Hide and Seek. Right, I'll count to a hundred. One. Two. Three...
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Endnote: A number of people expressed some confusion over the various rules and procedures involved in playing the game. This is understandable to an extent, and so the following map is appended. All should now, hopefully, be clear. Colour progression is standard, except for a necessary RGB shift away from black (ie uncountenanced) moves for clarity.