When you have finished looking at the articles, press the "Humour" button on the left to return
to the Main Page, or press an appropriate button to go to a different section.

If there are no buttons on the left, you probably got to this page directly via a search engine.
Select normal access to go to the G3NPF/M1AIM home page.


Thanks are due to Mike, G0VYN, who provided the first five items on this page, to John Coxon, an
Engineer and Inventor who lives close to us and frequents the same pub as we do, for providing the
sixth item, to Adrian, G4LRP, for providing the seventh and eighth items, to Keith, G3VKW for the
ninth item and to the BYLARA December 2004 Newsletter for the final little gem.

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal
tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at PC World can’t answer any of your questions.
You are always late for meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type at 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
You can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what http:// actually stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Maplins.
You’re in the back seat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a
geosynchronous satellite.
You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is.
Your cheque-book always balances.
Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300MHz Pentium.
You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
You’ve ever tried to repair a £5 radio.


***********************************************************************************

Hands up all those who don't find themselves in the list somewhere!

You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family.
You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you fancy going down the pub?"
and the reply is, " Yeah, give me five minutes". 
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes. 
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary.
You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you
have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
You're already late on the assignment you just got. 
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they
can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in...? In your
spare time... When you're freed up......I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you....... 
Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "mates you send jokes to" e-mail group
***********************************************************************************

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD ?

The Management Consultants Answer:

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required 
for the newly competitive market.

In partnering relationship with the client, we helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), 
we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align
the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework.

We convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with our consultants 
with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in
order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes.

The meetings were held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which 
was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market
message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution.

We therefore helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Please find attached invoice for £50,000 (+ VAT).

***********************************************************************************

IN THE BEGINNING...

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.   And the earth was without form and void;
and darkness was upon the face of the deep".

Quickly, God was served with an enforcement order, prohibiting further work, citing failure to file a
planning application and an environmental impact statement.   Also, there had not been a feasibility study
to consider the financial, environmental and ecological viability of the project.   Where was the funding
to come from and would it involve any money from Central or Local Government sources?    Had
adequate provisions been made for carrying out the work safely, bearing in mind the depth and the lack
of light?    However, because of potential "planning gain" advantages, God was granted a temporary
permit for the project, subject to the agreement of the Health and Safety Executive and to satisfactory
answers to questions relating to the earthly part being forthcoming.

Then God said, "Let there be light".

Immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.    Would there be strip
mining or drilling?    What about thermal and light pollution?    Would the light use fossil fuels or would
it employ renewable energy sources?    God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire.
God was granted provisional permission to make light, provided that no smoke would result from the
ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and would conserve energy, and would have the
light out for half the time.   God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree bearing fruit."

The Planning Authority agreed, so long as only native seed was used, and no artificial fertilisers or non-
organic pesticides were employed.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life and foul that
may fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from various Government Ministries, each of 
whom would need to consult the Forestry Commission, the RSPB, the RSPCA and various bodies
concerned with countryside conservation.    International treaties relating to wildlife, particularly fish
stock conservation, the hunting of whales and the culling of seals would also need to be considered as
the application was for "abundant" numbers of creatures.    It might be necessary to define what
"abundant" actually meant in terms of precise numbers.

However, everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.   The officials
said it would take at least two hundred days to review the application and the impact statement.    After
that there would be a period for the lodging of objections followed by a public enquiry, which would
recommend amendments to the original application, which would then need to be reconsidered by all
the Government Ministries, in consultation with all the other interested parties.    Then there would be
ten to twelve months for international consultations, followed by an inevitable redrafting of the application,
which would again need to be re-submitted, before…...........

At this point God created Hell.
***********************************************************************************

KEEPING UP STANDARDS

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.   That's an exceedingly
odd number.   Why was that gauge used?   Because that's the way they built them in England, and
English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?   Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who
built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.   Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay!   So, why did the wagons have that particularly odd wheel spacing?    Well, if they tried to use
any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England,
because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.   So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions.   The roads
have been used ever since.   And the ruts in the roads?   Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.   Since the chariots were 
made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

So the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification
for an Imperial Roman war chariot.   Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's arse came up with it, you may
be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate
the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story….... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and
horses' behinds.   When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster
rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.   These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.   The
SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.   The engineers who designed the SRBs might have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site.   The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.   The
SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.   The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.   So, a major design feature of what is arguably the
world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the
width of a horse's arse.

***********************************************************************************


ENGINEERS EXPLAINED

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people.   This can be
frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them.   The secret to coping with
technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.   This treatise will teach you everything
you need to know.   I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane
Goodhall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.   The word "engineer" is greatly
overused.  If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.

Engineer Identification Test

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.  You
a) Straighten it
b) Ignore it
c) Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture 
    frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "c)" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes, "It depends" in the
margin of the test, or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing".

Social Skills

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.   "Normal" people expect to
accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
· Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation.
· Important social contacts.
· A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
· Get it over with as soon as possible.
· Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
· Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

Fascination with Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

i) things that need to be fixed, and
ii) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Engineers like to solve problems.   If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own
problems.   Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.   No engineer looks at a
television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.   No engineer
can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.
To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

Fashion and Appearance

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and
decency have been satisfied.   If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.
Anything else is a waste.

Love of "Star Trek"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.   It's a small wonder, since the
engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.
This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the 
universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

Dating and Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers.   A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous
methods to create a false impression of attractiveness.   Engineers are incapable of placing appearance
above function.   Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.   They are widely recognized as
superior marriage material: dependable, mainly employed, and handy to have around the house.   While
it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an
intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs
long before losing their virginity.   Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes
after their clinical death.   Longer if it's a warm day.

Honesty

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships.   That's why it's a good
idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
truth.   Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.   They say things that sound like lies but
technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.   The complete list of engineer's
lies is given below.

· "I won't change anything without asking you first."
· "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
· "I must have new equipment to do my job."
· "I'm not jealous of your new computer." 

Frugality

Engineers are notoriously frugal.   This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because
every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

Powers of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the
complete exclusion of everything else in the environment.   This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely.   Some funeral parlours in high-tech areas have started checking
résumés before processing the bodies.   Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience
in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out
of it. 

Risk

Engineers hate risk.   They try to eliminate it whenever they can.   This is understandable, given that
when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

Examples of Bad Press for Engineers

· Hindenberg.
· Space Shuttle Challenger.
· SPANet™
· Apollo 13.
· Titanic.
· Ford Pinto.
· Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

· RISK:   Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
· REWARD:   A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a
good thing.   The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain.   If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project,
then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too
much".

Ego

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

· How smart they think they are.
· How many cool devices they own. 

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable.   No
engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved.   No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case.   These types of challenges quickly become personal - a
battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.   (At other times, just because
they forgot.)   And when they succeed in solving the unsolvable problem, they will experience an ego
rush that is better than sex - even including the kind of sex where other people are involved.   Nothing is
more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill.

Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.   When
an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever
normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.   He knows how to solve difficult technical
problems."   At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and
the problem.   The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

***********************************************************************************


EU REGULATIONS

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English
as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other
possibility.  As part of negotiations, her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some
room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish
(Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".   Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news
with joy.   Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k".   Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased
by "f".   This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more 
komplikated changes are possible.   Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which
have always been a deterent to akurate speling.   Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in
the languag is disgraful, and they would go.

By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".   During
ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.   Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum
vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.   Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


***********************************************************************************

THE STORY OF ADMIRAL LORD NELSON (2007 VERSION)

Nelson:    Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy:     Aye, aye sir.

Nelson:    Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags.  What's the meaning of this?

Hardy:     Sorry sir?

Nelson:    (reading aloud) England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender,
               sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.   What gobbledegook is this?

Hardy:     Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.  We're an equal opportunities employer now.   We had the devil's
               own job getting 'England' past the censors,  lest it be considered racist.

Nelson:    Gadzooks, Hardy.  Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy:     Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.

Nelson:    In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy:     The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

Nelson:    Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead.

Hardy:     I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

Nelson:    Damn it man!   We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance with all
               dispatch.  Report from the crow's nest please.

Hardy:     That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson:    What?

Hardy:     Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.  No harness, and they said that rope ladders
               don't meet regulations.  They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson:    Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.

Hardy:     He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.

Nelson:    Wheelchair access?   I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy:     Health and safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson:    Differently abled?   I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the
               word.   I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy:     Actually, sir, you did.   The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment
               and limb deficiency.

Nelson:    Whatever next?   Give me full sail.   The salt spray beckons.

Hardy:     A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
               hard hats.   And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

Nelson:    I've never heard such infamy.   Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
               enemy.

Hardy:     The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

Nelson:    What?   This is mutiny!

Hardy:     It's not that, sir.   It's just that they're afraid of being charged  with murder if they actually kill anyone.
               There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson:    Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy:     Actually, sir, we're not.

Nelson:    We're not?

Hardy:     No, sir.   The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.   According to the Common
               Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't  even be in this stretch of water.  We could get hit with a claim for
               compensation.

Nelson:    But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy:     I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir.  You'll be up on
               disciplinary report.

Nelson:    You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy:     Not any more, sir.   We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.   Now put on your Kevlar vest;
               it's the rules and it could save your life.

Nelson:    Don't tell me - health and safety.   Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy:     As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson:    What about sodomy?

Hardy:     I believe that is now legal, sir.

Nelson:    In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.

***********************************************************************************


THE GENERATION GAP

A very self-important young college undergraduate attending a recent football game, took it  upon himself to
explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many
of those nearby to hear.   "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.   We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,
computers with light-speed processing, mobile 'phones and.....," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son.   We didn't have
those things when we were young.....so we invented them.   Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU going
to do for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.

***********************************************************************************


POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASON'S GREETINGS


From us ("the wisher") to you ("the wishee").

Please accept without prejudice or obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally
conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

The wisher wishes you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures or sects, and having regard to the gender, race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by the following terms, such that:-
* This greeting is subject to possible further amendment, clarification or withdrawal by the wisher.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that
   the proprietary rights of the wisher are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by, or obligation on, the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding
   upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as may reasonably be expected within the usual application of good
   tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
   The wisher warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at 
   the sole discretion of the wisher.

In documents or publications containing this greeting, any references to "The Lord", "Father Christmas",
"Our Saviour", "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer", "Ganesh", "The Great Red Elf", or to any other
festive figures, whether secular or sacred, actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement
by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and
images are hereby acknowledged.  References to northern hemisphere seasonal items such as "winter solstice"
shall also apply to the appropriate southern hemisphere equivalent.  The wisher accepts no responsibility for
any direct or consequential injury or damage resulting from the acceptance or reading of this greeting or from
any resulting amusement, offence, annoyance, disgust or any other emotion or opinion, howsoever caused.

***********************************************************************************

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