Hello everybody.  This is my guide to getting the best out of your magic skills.  Impressing people and having fun is much more important to me than achieving any real practical benefit but if that happens too then so much the better.  I couldn't be bothered with all that apprenticing and years of study malarkey so I just taught myself magic by picking it up along the way.  Although I am justly very proud of my achievements this may account for my surprising & unexpected results sometimes.  Subtlety is definitely not one of my traits so I only choose to learn spells that are as bright, noisy and obvious as possible - what's the point of doing something that nobody notices?

Here is a handy key to the important stuff.  Each spell gets 1-5 nice little flashing pictures for each category.
1 = low and 5 = high.

The Oops! links will teleport you to an account of when things went a bit wrong.  These will gradually become active as I catch up with events in my journal.

Difficulty
Entertainment value
Potential for disaster
Oops!

CANTRIPS

These are a piece of cake to cast and there are so many to choose from you're bound to find something for any occasion.
Never underestimate the entertainment value of these great little spells.  How about casting 'Giggle' on someone during delicate and tense negotiations?  Cast 'Distract' onto a lovely maiden's chest and see who out of your party gets slapped first.  Sitting in a tavern bored stiff?  Cast 'Spill' on the big ugly bloke's tankard and sit back as the fists start flying.
None of these spells are actually dangerous but you never know just how upset people will get - wars can be started over the silliest things.
There was this one time when......

FIREBALL

This one is a bit more tricky to pull off so you really need to concentrate.
Are you kidding?  A great big bright ball of flame and an impressively loud 'WHOOMPHH' sound - Fantastic.
Better not get your friends caught in it 'cos they'll be toast!
There was this one time when......

HYPNOTIC PATTERN

Just wave a sparkler about a bit and Beelzebub's your uncle.
The lovely swirly coloured patterns literally mesmerize people and the appreciative "ooh"s and "aah"s are really gratifying.  If you have a mind to this one provides great cover for a bit of opportunist pick pocketing.  Combine it with a pipe full of finest Halfling shag for a real mellow trip.
No problem unless you cast it on someone driving something heavy and fast down a crowded street.
There was this one time when......

SCATTERSPRAY

Quite an easy one this and especially good for playing pranks on miserable fruit & veg stallholders.
It all depends on what you can get flying about.  Anything squashy or messy like grapes or eggs can provide a great laugh.  Making a greedy merchant's bag of gold coins fly off in all directions can make you very popular with onlookers - as long as they don't get hit in the eye by them.
Pretty low really unless the DM decides you catch up a load of burning coals from a blacksmith's forge in the middle of a thatch roofed village.
There was this one time when......

STINKING CLOUD

Not too tricky to pull off.  You can get on with other stuff while casting it.
The ultimate "fwooaar, who dropped one?" practical joke.  Let one of these babies off in the middle of a posh party for a real hoot.  Can cause people to start chucking up everywhere which just adds to the amusement value.
Can't go too far wrong with this one.  Vomiting all over your friend's best bib and tucker is pretty much the worst that can happen.
There was this one time when......