Colin: Hello, this is Bad News and we'd like to wish all of you a jolly, jolly, merry Christmas from the deepest bottom of our hearts. Den: And give us all your money. Colin: Well, that as well, yes. Spider? (Original version of "Cashing In On Christmas" starts to play in background.) Spider: Yeah, Bad News aren't kidding, they do want your money, not a cent of it's going to charity as far as I know. Vim: Yeah. What are you doing for Christmas, Spider? Colin: Trying to stand up, as far as I know. Den: I'm going to the Caribbean... if you buy this single. Vim: Yeah, it's quite catchy, isn't it, really? Colin: Get down! Vim: You know, apparently they did all this without any of us being in the studio. That's pretty clever, isn't it? Den: Well, I was... I was in the studio. Vim: Were you? Den: Yeah, I was sleeping there. Vim: Yeah, but you were just in the toilet, though, weren't you? Den: Well, in the toilet area. Vim: The rest of us were in Kuala Lumpur airport. Den: Were you really? At Christmas? Vim: Yeah. Yeah. Den: Do they do a good Christmas turkey there? Vim: Yeah. Colin: No, hush up, hush up, 'cause there've been thousands and thousands of turkeys electrocuted for this Christmas. Let's please try and make it everyone's fun time. Den: Let's spare a moment for the electrocuted turkeys. (Colin and Vim join in with the chorus.) Vim: Cashing in on Christmas! Christmas... ding ding ding... yeah... Colin: Cashing in on Christmas! Christmas... rock and... well, who did write the words? Vim: Who wrote it? I didn't. Colin: I just got this letter from EMI telling me to come here. Spider: "Bad News, do you want your money for Christmas?" Vim: I just got the single in the post.... Colin: (sings) We're rocking... Vim: Are we? Colin: Apparently. Apparently we're rocking. Vim: Oh, wow! Colin: (sings) Everyone tells us we're rocking. Three, four! Den: "Rocking all the way to the bank." That's the bit I wrote. I wrote that bit, "Rocking all the way to the bank." Vim: Yeah? Colin: Uh! Uh! Uh! Spider: I didn't join Bad News to play this song! Den: No, nor did I. Girl: I want to wake up on Christmas morning With the snow all over the ground, With Bad News's Christmas single in my stocking. It only cost just over a pound! Vim: What the FUCK was that? Colin: Believe me, believe me, my uncle owns the record company and he assures me that was heavy metal. Spider: What are we doing that for? Vim: That was never fucking heavy metal! Den: What was that? Colin: Oh, it was, it was, believe me. Even if it's not, who gives a fuck? I mean, we're all earning money off the stupid children. Vim: Are we? Colin: Yes. Vim: What, we're earning money now, for the first time ever? Colin: Of course we are! Spider: I think this is totally cynical! Why are we trying to do a Christmas song, for kiddies to buy our record? Colin: But we're trying to take their money away from them so that we can spend it on alcohol and drugs. Spider: We're a heavy metal band, we've still got some credibility, haven't we? Vim: Are we? Colin: But children don't need money! Den: No, hang on, I think we ought to sort this out now. Vim: Yeah. Den: Now, hang on, hang on, look... Spider: You're a bunch of cynics! Den: Is this single going out, right, and people are gonna pay money for it... Colin: No, no, no, no. Vim: Yes! Yes, they are, aren't they? Den: Well, no, no... Spider: Not if they're clever, they won't. Vim: I think what Den means is, do we get any of the money that they pay over? Den: And if... and are we gonna get the money... and how are we gonna get the money before Christmas if they're buying it at Christmas? Colin: Well... how many singles have we released so far? Seventeen? Den: I mean, we're not gonna get the money 'til the summer, are we? Spider: Why aren't we just doing a proper metal song, you know? Colin: Yes, but a lot of things are a lot cheaper in the summer. If we have the money then it's a much better investment. Fruit is a lot cheaper, vegetables are cheaper... Vim: What, they're actually gonna put the song out in the summer, then? Colin: No, no, that's... Den: That's what I heard! Vim: That'd be fucking ironic, wouldn't it? Colin: Whoops, look out... (burps) Vim: Ow! Colin: (burps again) Vim: Stop doing that! Colin: Den, will you stop burping? Spider: Well I don't think they should put this out! I don't think this song should be put out, you know? Den: They're not gonna put it out, are they? Vim: Apparently we've got to pretend to be having Christmas, okay? Den: Alright. Vim: Cor blimey. Den: Where are my presents? Colin: Here they are, Dennis, and a very merry Christmas to one and all! Den: Oh, thank you. Oh look, a Scalextric set for me. Oh, fantastic, thank you Colin, that's what I've always wanted. Colin: Why, that's quite alright. It cost me two hundred and forty pounds, but I don't mind because I like you. Vim: That was your old one! Den: Fantastic. I'll throw my old one away now. Spider: Here you are, here's some mistletoe for you, Vim! (Kissing sound.) Vim: You bloody queer! I always knew it! I always fucking knew that, Spider! Colin: Well, let's face it... Vim: Oh, never mind, it's Christmas, isn't it? Let's have a good time while we can! Colin: Yes! Vim: Let's open another four pack and have a good snog! (More kissing sounds.) Colin: Oh, merry Christmas everyone, let's all bugger each other! What the hell's wrong with... (Track ends abruptly.)