Footy jokes
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. "Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned. The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. Blackburn Rovers think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Adopt an NBA player
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter [ ] Reserve [ ] Star* [ ] Superstar** [ ] Entire team*** [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders). Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard [ ]
Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling manger seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why do artists never win when they play football?
They keep drawing!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!
Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!
What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award. It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding? They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls? Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!
What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!
What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a foot ball!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."