Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
- Seen on a Usenet .sig somewhere
Never try to teach your pig to sing; it's a waste of your time and only annoys the pig.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
He who fights and runs away is using up valuable running time with all that fighting
A leader should treat his troups like his family: forget their birthdays and keep telling them they were much nicer when they were little.
I'm a lapsed agnostic. I believe in God. I'm just not sure I trust Him.
Progress, at best, consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors.
A good speech is like a miniskirt - long enough to cover the important bits, short enough to keep you interested.
Accidents with chainsaws are rarely trivial.
If he got another brain, it would die of loneliness...
Absolve the guilty, punish the innocent, implicate the uninvolved.
"An expert is someone who has made every possible mistake in a very narrow field" - Nils Bohr, physicist
If a man speaks aloud in the forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
On food:
Rare? I want to fight it for the salad!
or
I want it so rare that when I stick the fork in, it turns imploring eyes on me.
or
"I want it so rare a good vet could have it back on its feet in half an hour!"
or even
"Just bring the whole cow over to the table, I'll carve off what I want and ride the rest home" - D.Leary