The Doctor Visit
Dog Quotes
Engliah Language Part
1
English Language Part
B
Etch a Sketch FAQ
Gender Definitions
Guide to a Good Life
How to Build a
Web Site
It's Good to
be the King
Life's like That
When Caught Eyeing
Another Woman
Newspaper Ads
Newspaper Headlines
Rule for Writerers
T Shirts Designs
Teachers Pet
Womans English and Mens English
Very Useful Work Phrases
Things You Don't Want To
Hear During Surgery
Shop Signs
Police Quotes
World Cup
Soccer Squads - Just Announced
| THE
DOCTOR'S VISIT A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied. Back to Top
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| FAMOUS DOG
QUOTES "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." - Gene Hill "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain Back to Top
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| ENGLISH LANGUAGE
LESSON - PART 1 ** He could lead if he would get the lead out. ** The farm was used to produce produce. ** The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. ** The soldier decided to desert in the desert. ** This was a good time to present the present. ** A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. ** When shot at the dove, that then dove into the bushes. ** I did not object to the object. ** We must polish the Polish furniture. ** The insurance was invalid for the invalid. ** The bandage was wound around the wound. ** There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. ** They were too close to the door to close it. ** The buck does funny things when the does are present. ** They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. ** To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ** The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail. ** After a number of injections my jaw got number. ** Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. ** I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. ** Ths singer had to record the record. ** Will you be able to live through a live concert? Back to Top
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| ENGLISH LANGUAGE
LESSON - PART B Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? The light went out, but where to? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. Back to Top
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| ETCH
-A-SKETCH FAQ Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it Back to Top
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| GENDER
DEFINITIONS THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes " look bigger. " male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. Back to Top
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| GUIDE TO
A GOOD LIFE 1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. 2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. 3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. 5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. 6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. 9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. 10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. 11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbour's car! 12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. 13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. 14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery. 16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up. Back to Top
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| HOW TO
BUILD A WEBSITE IN 25 EASY STEPS 1. Download a piece of web authoring software - 20 minutes. 2. Think about what you want to write on your web page - 6 weeks. 3. Download the same piece of web authoring software, because they have released three new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes. 4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute. 5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find five of them that you like - 4 days. 6. Run setup of your web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes. 7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes. 8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours. 9. Preview your web page using the web authoring software - 1 minute. 10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours. 11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds. 12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours. 13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes. 14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number +16.3E10" - 3 hours. 15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours. 16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your web page on your ISP - 40 minutes. 17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second. 18. Recreate your web page - 2 days. 19. Try to figure out how to load your web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks. 20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes. 21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes. 22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes. 23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes. 24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute. 25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity. Back to Top
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| IT'S GOOD
TO BE KING How many men does it take to open a
beer? |
| LIFE'S LIKE
THAT How come wrong numbers are never busy? |
| WHEN CAUGHT
EYEING ANOTHER WOMAN - I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully) - Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman. - I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous) - Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her - I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case - Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing! - Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron. - I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool). - I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try). - Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine) Back to Top
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|
The following were actually taken from
classified ads in newspapers: |
| GREAT
HEADLINES OF 1999 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. War Dims Hope for Peace 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Back to Top
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| RULES
FOR WRITERERS - PART ONE · Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. · Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. · And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. · It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. · Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) · Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. · Be more or less specific. · Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. · Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. · to sentence fragments. · Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. · Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. · Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. · One should NEVER generalize. · Comparisons are as bad as cliches. · Don't use no double negatives. · Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. · One-word sentences? Eliminate. Back to Top
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| T
SHIRTS FOR THE SUMMER (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going! At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them? Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well tattooed gentleman") (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party, (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You Old Age Comes at a Bad Time In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order. |
| TEACHER'S PET On a special teacher's day. a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is...flowers. "That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?" Just a wild guess, she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is... a box of candy. "That's right!" But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No, the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!" Back to Top
|
| MEN AND
WOMANS ENGLISH Women's English |
| VERY
USEFULE WORK PHRASES 1. How about never? Is never
good for you? |
| WHAT NOT TO
HEAR IN THREATRE ** Buster! Come back with that!
Bad dog! |
| GOOD BUSINESS SLOGANS On
an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your
shorts." |
| POLICE QUOTES "The
handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile." |
| WORLD
CUP SOCCER SQUADS - JUST ANNOUNCED The following squads have been announced for the 2002 World Cup BRAZILIAN SQUAD for World Cup Goalkeeper: Pincochio Sweeper: Libero Defenders: Vimto Memento Borneo Tango Midfield: Cheerio Subbuteo Scenario Fellatio Forwards: Portfolio Substitutes: Placebo, Porno, Polio, Banjo, Brasso, Stereo (L), Stereo (R), Hydrochlorofluoro, Aristotle YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD Goalkeeper: Itch Defenders: Annoyingitch, Hardtoreachitch, Scratchanditch Midfielders: Hic, Sic, Spic, Pric Wingers: Digaditch, Fallinaditch Forwards: Horseraditch Substitutes: Mowapitch, Letsgetrich, Shagabitch RUSSIAN SQUAD Goalkeeper: Whodyanicabolicov Wing Backs: Ticlycov, Chesticov, Nasticov Defenders: Slalomsky, Downhilsky Midfielders: Risky, Swedishskev, Mastershev Forwards: Fuckov, Taykitov Substitutes: Rubitov, Gechakitov, Sodov, Pastryshev, Najinsky, Desert Orchid ROMANIAN SQUAD Goalkeeper: Chatanoogaciouciou Wing Backs: Atishiou, Blessiou, Thankyou Defenders: Busqueue, Snookercu Midfielders: Pennyciou, Twoapennyciou, Fourapennyciou Forwards: I'llgetciou, Youandwhosarmi Substitutes: U, NonU, ManU, Stuffyiou, Lee Kwan Yu DANISH SQUAD Goalkeeper: Toomanigoalssen Defenders: Tryandstopussen, Crapdefenssen, Haveagossen Midfielders: Firstsson, Secondsson, Thirdsson Wingers: Legshurtssen, Notroubleseeingussen Forwards: Wherestheballssen, Getthebeerssen Substitutes: Howmanygoalsisthatssen, Finallygaveupcountinssen, Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen, YourelatedtoAlexFergusonssen ITIALIAN SQUAD Goalkeeper: Baloni Defenders: Potbelli, Beerbelli, Giveitsumwelli Midfielders: Wotsontelli, Toonsgotkenni, Onetoomani Wingers: Legslikejelli, Havabenni Forwards: Wobblijelli, Spendapenni Substitutes: Cantthinkofani, Buggermi MEXICAN SQUAD Goalkeeper: San Francisco Defenders: Costa Brava, Hopelez, Juan Andonly, Manual Gearbox Midfielders: Don Criformi-Argentina, Bodegas, Luis Canon, Sombrero Forwards: Chihuahua, Jose Substitutes: Jesus Maria Don Key, Burrito, Speedy Gonzalez, Tequila, Caramba DUTCH SQUAD Goalkeeper: Kenning Van Hire Defenders: Van Diemansland, Van der Valk, Van Gard, Van Erealdizeez Midfielders: Ad Van Tagus, Van Sprokendown, Aye van Hoe Forwards: Van Coova, Hertz Van Rental, Transit Van Dors Substitutes: Van Iller, Van Ishincreme, Van Morrison Back to Top |