Here a few of my favoutite jokes....categorised as
And if you do not like these, then try my other .......ah fish cakes, if you did not like these then do not, I repeat do not Click here for more
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...Like a laugh? Then try
these... Here a few of my favoutite jokes....categorised as And if you do not like these, then try my other .......ah fish cakes, if you did not like these then do not, I repeat do not Click here for more |
| RIDDLERS Q. If you weigh a whale in a whale-weigh station, then where do you weigh a pie? A. Over the rainbow. (Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...) |
| Q. What do you call a happy go-lucky oriental person
whose father suffers from dysentery? A. A slap happy jappie with a crap happy pappie. |
| Q. What is 6 feet by 4 feet by 1 feet,
is full of horse hair and concrete? A. A mattress. (I put the concrete in to make it hard) |
| Q. What is the difference between a dog,
a flea and a lollipop? A. A dog can have fleas - but a flea cannot have dogs! Q What about the lollipop? A. That is for suckers like you. |
| Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes? A. No idea? |
| Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes
and no legs? A. Still no idea? |
| Q. How do you get 3 old ladies to say 'Ah
feck it' A. Get a fourth old lady to say 'Bingo' |
| A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager, a
Mr Harry McCourt, came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. But why?, they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
| Harry went to the dentist last week. Now Harry hates
that pink liquid stuff that the Dentist gives you drink.
So when the dentist was not looking Harry spat it out. |
| Harry McCourt entered a local paper's
pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope
that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did. |
| Harry McCourt goes to the doctors
complaining that he can't stop singing Tom Jones songs.
The doctor replies, "It's not unusual ...." |
| A man on his deathbed and calls his wife
over. 'Honey' he says 'When I die, will you please marry
Harry McCourt.' His wife said 'But I thought you hated
Harry McCourt'. The man replied 'I do'. |
| Harry came from work breathing heavily.
'What happened you?' asked his wife. 'Well' explained
Harry. 'I ran home behind the bus and saved 50 pence. 'You
idiot' said his wife. 'Why did you not run home behind a
taxi and save £20'. |
| Harry bought an old plastic 45 record by Frank
Sinatra. It had 'She's leaving me' on the front side. And
'I wonder who's kissing her now' on the backside. |
| Disclaimer. Of course these stories bear no
resemblence to anyone I know or don't know. |
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| So I rang up a local building firm, I
said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not
stopping you.' |
| So I rang up my local swimming baths. I
said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It
depends where you're calling from.' |
| Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it
must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
younger brother Seamus. Or my older brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Seamus. |
| So I was in my car, and I was driving
along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been
promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're
managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a
policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I
said 'I careered off the road.' |
| So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a
voice said 'You are.' |
| Now, most dentist's chairs go up and
down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr.
Daly, get out of the filing cabinet.' |
| So I went to the dentist again. He said
"Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'" |
| "So I went down my local ice-cream
shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said
Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' |
| You know, somebody actually complimented
me on my driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. |
| Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?" |
| So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to
me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure,
you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' |
| And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down,
and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you
earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my
livelihood.' |
| He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of
your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's
a turn-up for the books. |
| Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle
of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just
stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane,
and everyone joins in. |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off. |
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Last Updated: April 10th,
2002