KING SOLOMON

Dear all,

It is with regret that I am called upon to inform you of yesterday's sad death of Solomon. After a harrowing twenty four-hour illness he died in a stark empty tank of crystal clear water.

During the process of trying to figure out what to do for him I learned from frequenters of a Telnet chatroom called "Fishroom" that nine years is THE oldest catfish they have heard of and one rightly pronounced him "King of Fish".

He is to be buried in his own gravel with two pound coins and some fish food tonight.

If anyone would like more information about Sol's recent activities, his illness or his death please ask.

Doe's anyone know how to contact Chris?

Lee.

Lee,

Genuinely sorry to hear of your loss. Nine years is indeed a splendid lifespan for a fish that had been through so much. Sol was, amongst many of his fine attributes, a survivor and a royal title is indeed fitting.

Sol provided me with a great deal of entertainment and joy at a formative time in my life and I was also privileged enough to share lodgings with him for a time in Manchester. During this period I found him an absolute pleasure to live with.

It is comforting to think that he is now swimming around a great green lightbulb in a tepid and murky bayou in Catfish heaven with his Cajun cousins.

I would be most interested in hearing of his recent movements and the cause of his death.

I will raise a glass to him this evening.

"Just a catfish on a bus...."

Simon.

p.s. I have a number for the Gately family home but have not tried it recently, it is 0121 3553***. If you do manage to contact him please pass on my e-mail address and no.

A truly sad day. My sympathies are with you.

He shall be missed. (Adam Kitten, London)

Lee,

Truly sorry, mate. Solomon was a truly great fish and as, Mr. Kirby has already said, he provided me with some wonderful times. I will be thinking of you tonight.

Again, if you contact Chris then give him my details.

Jake

Lee,

Sincere condolences. Please enlighten us on his later years and recent demise.

God save the King.

Sarah.

Lee

a sad sad day, our thoughts are with you at this trying time

J

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What were you doing when they buried King Solomon?

**************************************************

Whatever you were doing last night you might remember it for a while because just like David Ike I've gone a bit mad and I believe that Sol's death has released waves of psychic energy!

The Wilderness years.

*********************

After leaving Keele Sol spent about three years living with my parents like a WW2 evacuee. Amongst other adventures my sister once left his heater unplugged after drying her hair in my old bedroom. My Dad found him floating at the top of the tank. Instead of whipping him into a butter tub and burying him in the garden my Dad decided to try plugging him back in as if he were an electrical appliance - amazingly it worked and the next day he was back at the bottom of the tank as if nothing had happened. I used to appreciate him more through only seeing him occasionally and I knew he was well cared for. This was his third address (remember he lived in Holly Lodge for a while). He was later to live in Rusholme, Longsight and Wythenshawe.

A symbol of youth.

******************

It was Barnes that first pointed out to me that pets can be considered to be largely made up of what you project on to them. This revolutionary idea led to me liking Oscar the cat because he could do clever things like pretending to be a statue! I believe that we all projected an awful lot onto Sol in his first three years and we fed him pure luminous globs of psychic energy exalting him to God King status. When he died a locked up wave of memories and emotions was released. Sarah picked up on this immediately and somehow communicated the sentiment to Thea, who commented whilst being taken to the child minder's that Sol was a symbol of my youth. I can just imagine her passing on this information to her child minder who might have thought us a bit odd.

Solomon Grundy died on a Monday.

********************************

He actually died on Tuesday but it all started on Monday just before midnight. I went to feed him as usual and saw that he hadn't eaten his pinch of food from Sunday night. This was wholly unprecedented and gave me quite a shock. When my trained eyes picked out his shape amongst the green murk I could see that he was lying slightly on one side. I thought he was dead but then I noticed his fast breathing and he was waving one fin. When I was later to describe this to the internet fish geeks the first response was to be "Sounds like he's checking out .. waving goodbye?"

I didn't know what to do - as Sarah pointed out we never expected him to get ill before he died but of course the survivor that Sol was meant that he wasn't going to just expire in an instant at the first sign of trouble.

I went to bed feeling really bad - my bad vibes woke up Sarah (I'll have to remember that trick). When I had to explain that he was just lying there waving but that he wasn't dead well that's when I went a bit wonky and started to cry. By 04:30 Tuesday morning I was going to have to go to sleep anyway whether he was dead or not so I had a spliff and crashed out.

Sarah told Thea the next morning and she was okay about it, the fact that I was upset helped her be calm I think. She came and told me that he was stil breathing and that he had moved across the tank in the night before she went to school. I crashed out again and didn't go to work until 12:30. When I got up at 12:00 Sol was still breathing and I started to think "Well maybe its nothing - just a bug or a cold!"

Sarah 'phoned at 17:00 to let me know that the hardman was STILL breathing. On the way home from work I bought a bottle of "Anti internal bacteria formula" on the advice of a pet shop guy. When I got in I added 35 milllitres and sat down to wait.

Well waiting didn't do it - I couldn't settle so I decided to turn to the only true friend anyone can have these days - the internet. I was just looking for information - something like a chart to diagnose disease from symptoms, I never expected to find what I did find.

What is this place?

*******************

Do a Yahoo internet search on catfish and one of the results will be "Fishroom's Catfish Room Archive". This is where I went after visiting "Planet Catfish", "Fishbase '98" and "The Northern Area Catfish Group" as well as carefully avoiding various other sites about catching, killing, cooking and eating catfish.

When I arived at the Fishroom's Catfish Room Archive there was a link that said that it would take me to Fishroom, a "discussion MUD for fish enthusiasts". I followed it and found myself in a kind of game - just like MUD if anyone played that at Keele. The readme pages explained that the MUD format had proven effective for discussion groups and that was what I was now in, a discussion MUD. Well I wandered around the freshwater room, read the notices etc. before deciding that this MUD was a bit of a ghost town and the chances of finding anything useful were slim. As I returned to the entrance hall I noticed that the description of the room said "steps lead down to Casey's Pub". I typed down and found myself listening to four or five fish fact fuelled cyber entities shooting the breeze. I was signed in as Kcup. There is a bit of paraphrasing, ???? is someone I can't remember.

LisaB: What's up Kcup?

Kcup: My fish is very ill I think.

MattK: What is he?

Kcup: An eight or nine year old catfish.

MattK: What type?

Kcup: Brown with brown circles - about three inches long.

LisaB smiles.

LisaB: Sounds like a synto.

[The names I use for the species names etc are approximations of what was said]

MattK: Or a plec.

Rou: What are his symptoms?

Kcup: Lying on his side waving a fin breathing fast for 24 hours now.

Rou: Sound's like he's checking out .. waving goodbye?

MattK: Any other symptoms?

LisaB: I hate it when this happens.

MattK: Sores? Wounds? Fungus?

Kcup: No, a bit red on underside.

MattK: I would seriously consider euthanasia at some point Kcup.

LisaB: That's what I was thinking.

Rou: What's new to the tank?

Kcup: Nothing for about seven or eight years.

???: Definitely sounds like old age.

MattK: 8/9 yrs is pretty old for a (guess) synto.

MattK: When did you last change the filter?

Kcup: I haven't had a filter since the last one broke - someone advised me I didn't need one as catfish live in murky waters.

MattK shakes head in disbelief.

LisaB shrugs.

MattK: Catfish don't need filters - Can you beat that!?!!

MattK: Must have been a pet shop guy.

Kcup: What so catfish do need filters?

MattK: Yep, and clean water like all fish.

Kcup: Oh dear.

MattK: I can't argue with your success though - nine years is old.

LisaB: That's right, a king of fish!

MattK smiles.

Kcup: So when do I decide to off Solomon?

Rou: I'd do it soon.

MattK: When did you last change the water?

Kcup: A few months ago - I put in anti bacteria stuff.

MattK: When?

Kcup: Tonight.

MattK: Don't just start dumping chemicals in - they never work. I'd try moving him to a clean tank asap - acclimatise him very slowly as he's so stressed.

Rou: I'm guessing he's a plec so the water change wont kill him unless he's dying anyway.

MattK: Or a synto - something that doesn't mind extremely acidic water :)

LisaB: change the water - its something to do. If he stays the same do the decent thing.

Kcup: How?

MattK: The best way is a glass of club soda - the dissolved CO2 puts the fish to sleep.

LisaB: It's always sad though.

MattK: Oh yeh.

Kcup: I'll go and try a water change.

MattK: If it works buy a filter.

LisaB: Good luck.

Rou: Good luck.

Kcup: Bye.

Rou: Arrgh! Hate sick fish.

MattK: Hate bad advice worse.

LisaB nods in agreement.

It wasn't until much later that I realised how odd Fishroom was!

I went back downstairs and started what would be a 150 minute process of trying to save but ultimately killing Sol. Our fates locked in I began to remove the old water. Sol was transferred to a pan, this has always been the way Sol has been temporarily accommodated during cleaning etc. since he was discovered in the empty tank disaster of 1991 and Chris saved his life by moving him to a pan of lukewarm tap water. In the typical wise Chrispy way he solemnly intoned "In a disaster you look after your survivors first."

Long live the king!

*******************

During acclimatisation (you put a bit of tank water in the pan, a bit of pan water in the tank wait repeat wait) Sol sat up properly for the first time whereas up until now he had been on his side. He sat in his pan looking fairly healthy. The water was right up to 80c which is warmer than usual but closer to the recommended temperature by pet shop guy in Madely on the day of the empty tank disaster. His colour came back, the redness went, his breathing became less laboured. "Is he getting better?" I asked myself "Or is he dying?"

With the acclimatisation complete I released him into the tank, he sank to the bottom and landed sort of upside down - resting on a whisker. "I think he's dead." I cried again but it was so much more relaxed this time that it was almost enjoyable.

Faraway Places, the Land of the Dead.

*************************************

Over the previous 24 hours I'd had a lot of time to think about Sol and what rituals I would indulge in should he die (which had looked pretty certain throughout). Now I could begin putting those plans into action. A Clover pack formed the coffin, I put in a layer of gravel, a peaceful Sol with his whiskers and fins slicked back and another layer of gravel so that the tub was full. On top of the gravel I added two pound coins and a pinch of food, I think it was the Egyptians that gave me this idea. Simon Smith used to say that anything less than a pound was free so I doubled that for good measure - two pounds is the new penny by Royal decree of King Solomon. I think the money is to pay the ferryman on the Styx and the food is to eat on the journey. The whole thing was completely covered in Elephant Tape (Silver canvas tape). Everything from the tank was cleaned and scrubbed. The tank was cleaned and scrubbed. Everything used in the water change was boiled clean. Everything including the coffin was placed back in the tank for his last night. The six stones from outside S block that had been in his tank all his life just fit neatly on top of the coffin.

I went to bed exhausted.

Dead Fish walking.

******************

"You and your silly fish" people used to say when they saw me walking Sol in the park "when will you learn?" ..but now Solomon is a God king, and I am his prophet. Who's laughing now?

I used to dream about Sol regularly - I haven't done for a while. I have two favourites. In one Sol used to escape from his tank by pushing the lid off and climbing out like a fish in a cartoon. He would then wizz about the floor like an extra fast mouse as I tried to catch him, all the time worrying that he would die from being out of the water.

In the other dream I would be Sol swimming about - I normally couldn't see anything interesting but it was the way I had total freedom of movement in three dimensions that was most memorable. In my dream there was no up or down, which is a bit like how I felt whilst exploring Fishroom.

Kirby reminded me yesterday of what I consider our greatest Sol inspired creative endeavour when we sang "What if Sol were one of us, just a man like one of us, just a catfish on a bus, tryin' to make his way home."

Last night after the burial Thea and I sang "You are my Solshine".

In this post Barnes universe I had taken to coming up with new names for Sol amongst which were Sollywog, Sollyfrog, Soltan, Zoltan, Zoltar, Ra and Soliver Twist.

The Funeral.

************

The coffin was sealed on Sarah's advice to hedge against the possibility of Sol becoming a tasty treat for the local cats that have their own Gods and do not respect our Kings and their sacred tombs. We all joined in filling in the soil and his legendary bogwood on and under which he lived and died was set in the ground as a semi permanent tribute and headstone. Finally and at last it was over. We laughed, we talked throughout the ceremony, Sarah was making food. No disrespect was intended of course and Solomon was never one to fuss over details. Finally and at last it was over and I didn't cry.

Just a Fish Chat.

*****************

Now Sol was alone, it was up to me what I did now. Without thinking I returned to Fishroom to leave a message for those who had tried to help. When you first log in you type "down" to get to the pub or "up" to get to the cafe or wherever it is that the notice board is. I thought I'd check the pub first, just in case Matt and Lisa and Rou were so weird that they were there again at the same time the next day. When you enter a room you get a list of other 'players' present. This visit is less clear in my memory so there will be more paraphraing.

MattK

LisaB

????

????

????

LisaB: Hello Kcup.

LisaB: How's the catfish?

Kcup: He died during the move to clean water.

MattK: Damn.

Kcup: Do you bury fish with full honours?

MattK: Your call.

LisaB: Sometimes ;)

LisaB: MattK doesn't name his.

MattK: Doesn't pay to get too attached, its bad enough when they die.

????: Time to get some more.

MattK: ..and a filter

Kcup: My step daughter said it was an honour to bury the oldest fish the internet had ever seen.

MattK grins.

LisaB: Knew about a 12 year old santo once.

MattK: I've got a squincho that's 6 years old.

????: ???? has a 9 year old ????

<ETC ETC>

I started trying to tell them things about Sol but they just talked ages and species - the emergency was over and they were back to being just normal internet chat geeks, nice geeks but still geekish.

Kcup: Do you guys work here or what? In fact what is this place?

LisaB: Just a fish chat.

MattK: We're just fish fans with time to kill.

????: Time to kill and no life.

Kcup: You know species and you're here every day so I thought you might be fish professionals.

MattK: Not everyday, just seems like it!

LisaB: Some days off like everyone else!

Sastra enters room.

MattK: Kcup the most important thing is not to be put off fishkeeping by a death like this.

Kcup: I don't know, Sol was kind of a one off.

Sastra: What kind of fish?

Kcup: A hero, a genius, a beauty.

LisaB: A brown catfish with brown circles :)

MattK: Sounds like a santo.

Sastra: Or a plec.

MattK: Yes.

Kcup: Or the king of fish!

They started talking technical about fish so I decided it was time to leave.

Kcup: I'd better go - thanks for helping.

MattK: When you get your new fish get a ?????? filter and change the water occasionally.

LisaB: Bye Kcup.

MattK: ..and seek out that person who gave you bad advice.

Sastra: Bye Kcup.

Kcup: Bye.

All day.

********

I could spend all day writing about Sol and his demise, and the psychic ripples emanating out from that event. Oh, it's five to four, I have spent all day writing about him. Last night when I was washing up I decided to do it perfectly as a tribute to the King. I want you all to do something perfectly today.

See you all soon.

Lee.

18th March 1999.

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Lee,

Have just finished reading your tribute. Informative, thorough and moving. A worthy eulogy for a remarkable fish. I congratulate you. I observed his burial by singing a chorus of the aforementioned "What if Sol were one of us..." song whilst driving around the M25 to an evening engagement. This action suffused me with a curious mixture of amusement, nostalgia and of course sadness. God King or otherwise I would like to think that he was able to perceive my respect in some way.

As well as the links with Egyptology that the two pound coins represented, it occurred to me that there was also a Biblical reference to the "Treasures of King Solomon". In this case of course Solomon's riches were of a far more spiritual/intangible nature. Whilst his earthly possessions were limited (his bogwood, pebbles etc), surely few fish appreciated the gift of life more than Solomon who hung on to it with strength and dignity right to the last.

Personally, my tribute to Sol will be to continue reveling in the personalities (whether projected or otherwise) of all the species who I am privileged to meet in my everyday life.

I have yet to leave work so am unlikely to touch upon a perfect act for some time. I will however spend my evening in pursuit of an appropriate act.

Thanks for sharing the experience. I hope to visit both yourself and Sol's resting place in the near future.

Stay in touch,

Simon.

A tribute worthy of the King Of Fish. (Adam Kitty, London)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you taking the piss?

Everybody knows the worlds oldest catfish was 'Tokyo Cowboy' from Bedford, who finally hung up his fins in 1912 at the ripe old age of 11 and a half ( 296 human years ).

--

Nat

Dear Prophet,

Thank-you for the Sol eulogy. By the end I had a lump in my throat. Unfortunately I did not have the opportunity to do anything perfectly, as we are all, by nature, imperfect. However, I did have a Chinese meal and my chopstick prowess was markedly better. I would like to think that part of the God-King's attention was on me at that time.

I have given a copy to Debbie, the girl I work with. I believe that she is a natural disciple. Her first question was "Are catfish the ones with the whiskers? Look a bit like the cat in the hat?" Such perception in one so young.......

will you be visiting fishroom again? Natalinho and myself have been known to occasionally visit such places. Obviously not about fish but otherwise the same. I find it quite strange that there are always people there, and it's always the same people. All across the world there are groups of geeks in darkened rooms huddled over brightly lit screens talking to computer generated intelligences, thinking they're really "Stan from Colorado."

Just let the grief go.

Bye

Jake

Lee,

Told you, a new disciple......

Jake

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From: Debbie McNally @ L**[SMTP:DM@l**.e**]

Sent: 19 March 1999 17:40

To: 'jt@l**.l**.e**'

Subject: King Sol

I've just finishing reading that lovely piece of writing and it made me cry. I'm not sure if that was the reaction that I was supposed to have. It was really touching and I love the way your friend writes Alot like Russell Hoborn if you've ever read any of his things. I think I might read it again later because it's the best thing I've read in ages and if he writes any other stuff then I'd like to read that too. I'm going to send a copy to Hayley and one to my friend Morbid because I think they'd really like it aswell. Now I'm off to eat chips and gravy.

Debs

..perhaps I could discourage Debbie's enthusiasm by providing her a copy of my extended discussion with Tom Waite on the ultimate nature of reality?

I believe that the famous "Waite transcripts" would indeed bring Ms McNally down to earth with a bump.

Mr Waite,

Where are you? Somewhere near the artic circle must be cold? I presume you are on some sort of secondment / training etc but its the first I've heard.

Have you heard of Russell Hoburn? I wrote a mail about my recently dead catfish and Jake showed it to a friend who said that it read like Russell Hoburn.

Done any meditating while you've been away? I want to hear more from you but I don't know what topic to raise.

Ren & Stimpy is back on BBC2 - you'll be missing that. Did you see Lewis fight - that's the first thing I'd have been insisting on in my hotel room.

So come on - tell me what country you're in.

Lee.

brah, I'm in Sweden. Lund to be precise.

re: Russel Holborn - haven't a clue, I'll do a surf later. Sorry to hear that your catfish has used up all his\her earthly energy and moved up to a higher plane. Was it a long illness or sudden?

..and please send me your catfish text.

where is the catfish tome?

My catfish died after about 24 hours listlessness - do you want my scary fish rant document that is apparently reminiscent of Russell Hoburn?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yes yes.. send the damn thing.

I was moved by your fish story. It was funny, poignant, wise, hopeful, and all that other crap. I fear you have mingled the Egyptians and the ancient Greeks in your death rites. It was indeed common to place a coin in the mouth of a dead Greek (in those days) in order to pay Charon, the "Silent Boatman" of the P.Funk song, so that he would ferry one across the styx. I think mummies had coins placed over their eyes for similar reasons, I don't know. Did the Egyptians have a river of the dead too? Probably. What happened if an Egyptian got all confused and ended up on the nanks of the Styx? Would he have to exchange his Egyptian money for Greek before Charon would accept it? Would they then find out that there was enough to make the nut after commission was sutracted? And what happened then? Purgatory seems a bit steep fpr not having the right bus fare.

I would be insulted to have my work compared to that of whoever it was. What you wrote was deeply original and a true illustration that life is always much, much weirder than art. We know what we are, Lee, we are no artists, we bypass art to gnaw at the very neck of the upper realms. Artists are fuel for ourre and meat (or soya in your case) for our truth\experience hungry bellies. The transcript of the fish chat room is worth a million poxy novels.

The fish was obviously some kind of messenger from another realm, perhaps a relation of "Nommo" the strange Sirian fish - god - creator, beloved by the Dogon tribe? Have you noticed any important parts of your reality collapse or become flimsy and\or transparent since his demise? I suggest you read "Valis" by Philip K Dick, immediately. There is much optimism there for reversals of time, the dead re - incarnated, and loads of incidental stuff about Nommo, the Gnostics, Thomas Aquinas, bizarre russian mind control, hallucinating Paul Klee paintings and aliens beaming secret knowledge about your son's scrotal hernia into the center of your forehead with a cold, blue ray.