“Hai De”
Paul Hider’sWebsite
Anecdotes

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Strange Happenings
The Package saga
Chinese T.V.
Mistakes with English
Mistakes with Chinese
Weird Product Names
Literary Masterpeices

Strange happenings

  • A police car sped past with its siren playing "Happy Birthday to you" tune.
  • I was asked to judge a competition for the best English teacher in the county, after only ten days teaching experience myself.
  • A road sweeping truck played various Christmas Carols to warn people to steer clear (e.g. Jingle Bells, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen).
  • I repaired a faulty computer, but later had to unrepair it because the Chinese users were confused by the LACK of error messages (in English) that came up when the computer was switched on.
  • I was watching a dubbed film of "Jane Eyre" when a B&W film about the Chinese revolution suddenly cut in, upside-down, for ten seconds. Then it was back to Jane Eyre - no-one in the cinema batted an eyelid.
  • When queuing to see Chairman Mao's body in Beijing, an official Queue Supervisor two metres away was shouting at me in Chinese through a megaphone for not running fast enough when a gap in the queue emerged.
  • I was initially refused a vaccination in Beijing as my health certificate said I was suffering from a fever. It turned out to be "hay fever".
  • A taxi in Xian took a "short-cut" through a building site (missing an oncoming JCB digger by inches), over a pile of bricks and down the wrong side of a dual-carriageway.
  • I paid ¥100 (£8) for an hour's pedal boat hire in Beijing. I pedaled frantically for a whole hour, in the midday sun, to get my money's worth. I then found out the ¥100 was just a deposit. The boat cost just ¥8 (60p).
  • I forgot to take my passport to the post office to claim my parcel. Instead, I tried offering my Star Trek membership card - no problem. Later, I used my scuba diving ID card - no probs!
  • Standing in a packed church on Christmas Eve with 1000+ Chinese chanting worshippers facing an altar lit by flashing fairy lights and surrounded by children dressed as angels. Then, down the aisle comes a man carrying a life-size inflatable Father Christmas, which is carefully placed alongside baby Jesus.
  • I spotted an old man walking backwards around a park for over an hour. I'm told it's so "he can see where he's been".
  • I arrived home after my holidays to find two live chickens tied to my front door.
  • On one day I found the Railway Station had no tickets for sale, the Post Office had run out of stamps and the Gas Shop had no gas.
  • On Spring Festival, every shop in my town was closed ..... except the one selling nails and screws.
  • The canteen in a Buddhist Monastery I visited was playing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" as I ate there.
  • I gave a tea-bag to a Chinese friend who preceded to rip it open and pours the tea into his cup.
  • I had chronic diarrhoea for 3 months. The Chinese doctor recommended, "baked steamed bread, garlic soup and a pig's foot, boiled for 24 hours".
  • The fire brigade rang my college to ask for help putting out a fire on the mountain. Hundreds of students ran through the streets to the mountain, but the fire was out before they arrived.
  • A live band in Xiamen played a solemn "Chairman Mao praise song". But halfway through, they broke into a heavy metal version of it.
  • A lady in Chengdu temple waved her incense around too much and set light to her hair.
  • A seller in the market had a bucketful of live stag beetles (pets? medicine?). Another sold dead rats (food?)
  • My college English Department had a storeroom with 36 broken tape-recorders.
  • My brand new Chinese-made bicycle broke 17 times within the first month.
  • My brand new Chinese-made vacuum flask exploded after a week (sending broken glass and boiling water all over the room).
  • My brand new Chinese-made can opener broke on the second can.
  • My brand new Chinese-made pen snapped after 17 seconds.
  • I was often sold entrance tickets, only to hand them straight back to the seller to be torn in half.
  • A policemen on a train checked my luggage for firecrackers:
    Policemen: "You American ?"
    Me: "No, English"
    Policemen: "Oh! You no Rambo?"
  • I had Chinese students with English names including "Beaver", "Eagle", "Stone", "Baker","Rio", "Storm", "Silence" and even "Heavy Goods Vehicle".
  • During a question and answer session after a lesson on "Christmas" I was asked, "Who do you love best, Jesus Christ or Father Christmas ?"
  • Within one five minute period, I saw; "sackful of three-legged rabbits, a purple dog (painted from head to toe) and a T-shirt with the logo (in English) "Popover with facilities".
  • Duyun City had a river which was too dirty to swim in BUT there was an Olympic size swimming pool built in the middle of the river BUT there was never any water in the swimming pool.
  • Whilst trying to avoid a runaway bike, I slipped and fell into a vat of whitewash (whilst wearing a new suit).
  • A touring freak show in Duyun included a midget, a man breaking bottles with his mind, a body-piercer and a freak lady with a head bigger than her body.
  • Shop selling meat-filled doughnuts and strawberry-flavoured crisps.

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    The Package Saga

  • My students recorded messages onto two tapes for their English penfriends. I sent them in a reinforced envelope (¥12 ).
  • The envelope was returned from the P.O. with a message saying the address was wrong. It wasn't. I sent the envelope again.
  • The envelope was returned from the P.O. with a message saying that the packaging was insufficient.
  • I went to the P.O. with an interpreter. The P.O. insisted that the tapes had to be sent in a wooden box, but didn't sell such boxes or have any idea where to buy them.
  • Then the P.O. spotted that the contents were tapes. They refused to send them at all as they "...may contain state secrets". After assurances to the contrary, they agreed to send them if they were accompanied by a certificate from the police confirming that they contained no state secrets.
  • I asked to see the head of the P.O, but was told he went to lunch at 11am and wasn't normally back before 3pm.
  • The tape was taken to the police, but they spoke no English and wouldn't give the certificate without a full translation of the 2 x C90 tapes.
  • I left the tapes and accompanying photos with the College authorities, who believed they could get them sent, while I went on teaching practice with my students. The College opened the package, read my letter (taking offense at my jokes about the Post Office's antics) and confiscated the photos they felt "showed the College looking too poor".
  • I returned to find that the tapes had been sent, but at a cost of ¥146 (rather than the ¥12 I'd originally been quoted). The tapes were therefore finally sent off a month after being recorded.
  • The tapes arrived safely in England 2 years later !

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    Chinese T.V.

  • Duyun City's T.V. station played the same music video three times in a row, then showed two minutes of a football match, followed by a documentary on factories.
  • A news programme claimed that China has the most advanced telecommunications in the world because "one in eighteen houses has a telephone".
  • A news programme claimed that the successful launch of ComSat 3 showed that China was one of top nations in the space race. No mention of ComSat 1 and 2 which exploded earlier that year.
  • A Chinese rocket exploded. The news programme blamed it on a faulty American payload.
  • A "Sports Review" programme included "uphill roller-skating", "elephant tug-of-war" and "horse high-diving".
  • Two different channels showed the same film - one beginning half an hour after the other - for two nights in a row.
  • The Spring Festival Gala programme included two stilt-walking puppeteers, followed by a man who electrocuted a live fish before feeding it to the audience.
  • A documentary on farming included showing chickens having their throats slit and being plunged into boiling oil whilst they bled to death.
  • A newspaper survey revealed that the most popular programme on Chinese T.V. was the weather forecast.
  • I watched a disco-dancing competition for one-legged men.
  • Heard on the English news service: "The children were so sad they couldn't help tearing" (ie crying).
  • Within the space of one hour, I watched; part of a Stallone film, ballroom dancing, Benny Hill, Rally driving, a Michael Jackson video and a programme on how to make reusable tampons.
  • Documantaries on Government departments named "Local Propaganda Office" and "The Bureau for Risky Investments".

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    Mistakes with English

  • Sign outside Mengzi Town: "We business friend. Come and be exploited".
  • Student : "If my friends have eaten but I'm still hungry, I eat myself".
  • Sign in Beijing temple, "Do not be litter".
  • Teacher: "What's another name for WC?"
    Student: "Wash your hands".
  • Teacher: "How old are you?"
    Student: "How old are you too?".
  • Student: "Between his nose and his chin is a large stomach" (i.e. moustache).
  • Student: "Do English people stick stamps on the front or the back of their elephants?" (ie envelope).
  • Teacher: "What are some of the advantages and disadvantages of pairwork?"
    Student: "One advantage is tennis, one disadvantage is fishing".
  • Student: "We knew our food was poisoned, so we emptied our bowels" (ie bowls).
  • Student: "She often opens her crack...".
  • Student: "I don't like basketball, I prefer playing vegetable" (ie volleyball).
  • Student: "Aliens come from the University" (ie universe).
  • Student: "I come from Dushan and there are 50,000 people in my family".
  • Student: "After class can I have intercourse with you?" (ie a talk).
  • Student: "I've lost my girlfriend. But never mind - there's plenty more fish".
  • Teacher: "Hello!"
    Student: "Hello-how-are-you-fine-thank-you-and-you-goodbye".
  • Student: "I remember last week when you showed us your two cocks".
  • Student: "I have no girlfriend because I prefer to play with myself".
  • Student: "You count rhythm by beating your bum." (ie drum).
  • Student: "She has hair coming from her bum (ie bun).
  • Teacher: "Are you from this college?"
    Student: "No, I'm Chinese"
  • Teacher: "How old are you?"
    Student: "Fine thank you. And you?".
  • Teacher: "What does ESP stand for?"
    Student: "Extra Sex .....something?".
  • Teacher: "What's the name for a naughty ghost?"
    Student: "PaulHider ghost" (i.e. poltergeist).
  • Student: "Doctor. I have problems with penis... penis... pins and needles.".
  • Student: "Can someone help me to divorce my dumplings" (ie separate).
  • Student: "I didn't attend your class because I often make noises I can't control".
  • Student: "English teachers relax in the Post Office" (ie English Office).
  • Student: "Mr Hider, you are always so smelly" (ie smiley).
  • Student: "Mr Hider, you are so human" (ie humorous).
  • Student: "Can I please see your potatoes" (ie photos).
  • Student: "Ireland is full of hypnotists" (ie terrorists).
  • Student: "When you return to England, will you be a gay man?" (ie happy).
  • The disco ends and I ask my Chinese friend what happens next. "Sex", she replies, "up on the stage". I look suitably shocked. "Don't worry," she continues, "everyone just watches. It's great".....then a sax player appears.
  • Teacher: "Why is honesty important for scientists ?"
    Student: "Because it is."
  • Painted on the side of a truck (in English):
    "Dear me, you can't compensate it !"
  • Painted on the side of another truck (in English):
    "Don't kiss me, it's terrible !".
  • Student: "I wish everyone had a pigeon inside them" (i.e. a dove in their heart).
  • Teacher: "How old is your son?"
    Student: "Half past three"

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    Mistakes with Chinese

  • I meant to ask "Is that your child ?", but actually asked, "Is that your rat ?"
  • I meant to say it always rains in Duyun City, but actually said that the city was full of sharks.
  • I thought I'd spent an hour asking shops for "disinfectant". I found out later I'd been asking for "banana water".
  • I meant to tell the strangers I met on the Great Wall "I am a crazy Englishman", because I'd climbed up to the wall rather than take the cable car. But I actually told them I had an infectious mental disease.
  • I meant to ask for postcards, but read the wrong line in the phrasebook and asked for pornography (and was given some!).

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    Wierd Product Names

  • "Cowind" (a drink)
  • "Darkie" (Castor oil with a black man on the front)
  • "Puke" and "Shini Puke" (playing cards)
  • "Bust conscious" (T-shirt logo)
  • "Sod" (milk product)
  • "SunPu" (ventilation system)
  • “G-Bosom" (T-shirt logo)
  • “Sailing Boat" (detergent)
  • "Nice", "Supernice", "Attack Eagle" (soaps)
  • "Bai Shite" (moisturiser)
  • "Such a feeli cock" (T-shirt logo)
  • "Crunky" (biscuits)
  • "Roton" (jeans)
  • “Winnie Pooh the" (T-shirt logo)
  • “Negro" biscuits (black !)
  • "Wahaha" (mineral water)
  • "Fine-tasting petroleum wine"
  • "Restaurant only for able Chinese"
  • "Edible water"

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    Literary Masterpieces

    A strange letter
    This is the strange letter I received from a man I met briefly at a temple in RuiCheng (after translation):

    Nice to meet you! Are you proud that Hong Kong becomes China? I am going to England one day - you will show me around. London must be excellent. Give me a photo, my London friend. I've written a song for you. It's called, "International Feeling"

    International Feeling
    International is big, airmail is small.
    As a child I wondered how important broadcasting was.
    How beautiful internationalism is.
    As a Lord I wanted to travel, how big a contribution.
    Let me touch my head.
    I have no idea how blue the sky is.
    How many stars are there? How bright is the moon?
    How high the sun. They all smell the same.

    The proceeds from this song are yours forever. I want to contact your grandparents - give me their telephone number. You must send me £10 for the song, via the Post Office. I love writing songs for you. That is all I feel as a creator. Forgive me. Please send two photos of London, not just one.

    The Story of Tower Bridge
    (according to student who claimed to have read it in a Chinese textbook):

    Some years ago, the bridge was painted blue, but people couldn't see it clearly against the background of the Thames, and many people died falling off it. So the people of London all donated money to paint it another colour and save lives!

    Notice sent to our house in Duyun (after translation)
    This notice is for your safety. Everyone must obey the committee.
    Take care of fires and other noble work. Pay attention to robbers. Hard work is needed to defend your home. Report to the police.

  • Everyone should have relationships with each other. If not, don't fight.
  • Take care of public health. Keep your rooms clean. Don't throw anything out of the window or here or there. Keep rubbish in an appointed place.
  • l Parents must teach their children to respect and enhance the environment via tree plantation. Don't make a noise in public or interrupt others' rest.
  • Do not tend your hens, cocks, ducks, dogs or cows outside the house. You must not feed a dog without a license issued by the government.
  • You must not welcome your friends or relatives into your house if they want more babies. If you hide them you will be punished.

    • A leaflet advertising Shazhou Hotel, Dunhuang
    Shazhou Hotel - the international three-star standard Rooms and 16 deluxe suits. It is only one hotel with central arconditionly cotrol in Dunhuang it has better equipmnts with 10 Restaurants, 10 Meeting Rooms, automatic Lift, backward music, closed-Civcait TV safe firesystem 100/1000 telephone seinice, Olurist Vehicles ate. We have give all Guests other service-book Filght: sales oil prodleume thick wine Produced etc, Our entire shop is Plesed is be of semic to good and any regust, no matter how small will be clatt with our wsuat rrgessiond amd eficient manner, shazhou hotel is your ideal and cficient manner, Shazhou hotel is your ideal choice.
    We wish you enjoyable stay in Hotel.

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