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Exclusive : Gers to sign Ronaldo !!

For the first time, Brazilian goal machine, Ronaldo, has admitted that Glasgow Rangers are his first love. Jetting into Glasgow, flanked by two topless blondes, the hunky Samba superstar could not hide his feelings, "for my lovely, Scotch, Teddy Bears"......

Oh My, Oh My, O’Neill

Cheeky Irish Leprechaun, ‘Mickey’ O’Neill, is wooing the Parkhead faithful as his reborn Celts blitzkrieg the SPL. The Parkhead side have stormed into the lead in the title race - yesterday’s victory catapulting them into second place, three points clear of Rangers and well ahead of the pack .....

Exclusive : Kluivert Koming

Gers gaffer, Dick Advocaat, has proved again his mastery of all things football. The little general, the master tactician, the guv’nor, has pulled off a masterstroke by enticing classy Dutch hitman, Patrick Kluivert, to commit himself to the Ibrox cause ......

Paradise !

It’s a grand old team to play for ! The smiles are back on the faces of the Parkhead legions, who came, who saw, who worshipped at the shrine of Henrik Larrson. The Swedish mangod walked across the waves during this match, as well as turning water into wine and making the blind see ! .....

Who’s a naughty bhoy then ?

The Daily Smut can today reveal the shenanigans that will shock not only the Parkhead faithful, but the Catholic Church, the Scottish Parliament, Tony Blair and the whole civilised world. It gives us no pleasure to have to relate to you how an ex-choir boy sunk into a seedy life of drugs, alcohol, porno, gambling and devil worship ......

Exclusive : Zidane ‘Rangers Daft’

He is European Footballer of the Year. He is World Footballer of the Year. He is captain of France. He is captain of Juventus. He is a multi-millionaire. Yes, he is Zinedine Zidane and, you heard it here first, he is a true red, white and blue. Speaking exclusively to BUM, Zee Zee reveals how he grew up with a poster of John Greig above his bed .......

Bhoy, Oh Bhoy

Who can compete with turbocharged Celtic who seem intent on not only destroying all opposition but mangling, chewing, crushing and razing anything that stands in their way. Martin ‘Mickey’ O’Neill, has made the bhoys unchallengeable in top spot as they forge ahead of third place Rangers .......

Exclusive : Ve love you Vialli

Dick Advocaat, Rangers maestro, today revealed exclusively to your Daily Distort his latest audacious smash and grab in the transfer market. The little Dutch master craftsman has convinced Gianluca Vialli to retrieve his boots from the bin, and pull on the famous blue jersey. Luca is reported to be thrilled and yesterday said, "Now I understand why God allowed me to be sacked by Chelsea" ......

Sutton so special

The Celtic faithful have taken Chris Sutton to heart and so have the parkhead beaks ! One paradise insider, speaking exclusively to your Daily Distort, revealed, ‘We always thought Viduka was poor and we knew we had to replace him if the team was to progress.’ Sutton, the big ex-brickie, has certainly struck up a wonderful partnership with bhoys favourite, Larrson - who himself is performing like a Greek God, his flowing locks billowing in the holy wind of paradise .......

Actress, gay minister and Teddy Bear in porno cabal

Another minister defrocked, another young actress addicted to heroin (and regularly defrocked) and the shaming of an Ibrox youth team player. What is the world coming to. It gives The Daily Smut no pleasure whatsoever to have to reveal today the shady goings on that will stun and shame a nation ......

Exclusive : Gomez ‘born in Govan’

Nuno Gomez, Portuguese wunderkid, male model and soccer strike sensation has shocked his own countrymen by admitting to BUM that Glasgow Rangers are the only team he ever wanted to play for. In an exclusive interview that will reverberate around the boardrooms of Europe’s top football clubs, Gomez says he has always felt, "Glaswegian at heart" .......

Arise Sir ‘Mickey’ - manager of the millennium

Celtic beaks will today be plotting how to hold on to managerial sensation, Martin ‘Mickey’ O’Neill. Today the bhoys supremo was voted manager of the month. But none other than Sir Alex Ferguson has tipped the Parkhead gaffer to follow in his footsteps at Man United - and then all the way to a knighthood ! There were no real challengers to O’Neill for the monthly managerial award with Rangers languishing in third place .......

Exclusive : Advocaat shows who’s boss

Stalky Ibrox gaffer, Dick Advocaat, is nobody’s fool. The little general, so reminiscent of his countryman Napoleon in both his appearance and his ruthless control of his troops has once again shown that there is only one boss at Ibrox. The Rangers chief has revealed, only to your Daily Distort, that he will decide who is bought and sold at Ibrox, not a cheaply produced, tacky, English tabloid rival of this newspaper. ......

If you know your history

There are many of the Parkhead faithful who can tell you in some detail about the greats from the past - about Jock Stein, Kenny Dalglish, Dixie Deans and the like. But one man is rewriting the history books in his own lifetime. Entering the amphitheatre that is Parkhead yesterday strode the Prince Gladiator of our time, Henrik Larrson. A more majestic, beautifully formed athlete one could not imagine. His olympian looks and Shakespearian sense of the dramatic .......

SFA Drugs Actress Sex Shock Orgy Probe

Scottish Football has been dragged into the gutter once more by allegations of a drug fuelled, alcohol smuggling, gay actress, communist plot, Karma Sutra, ecclesiastical, sex, gun running, orgy plot. The Daily Smut feels it is its duty, sad though that may be, to tell you ......

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