Announcing a exciting new tool for data center management! When was the last time you found a bazillion zero length files in /usr/tmp and said to yourself "How did this crep get on my system?" When was the last time you had to clean fifty megabytes of run-on puns out of a user's news directory, and said to yourself, "What a load of crep"? When was the last time you looked at a piece of mail and said to yourself "This is the stupidist crep I've ever laid eyes on"? Well, you're right, it is crep, and now you can do something about it. Introducing the new crep Detector daemon "crepd". crepd works similar to syslogd in monitoring system error messages, but has the added function of removing offending files and utilities from the system using complex heuristics to determine the file's "crep quotient". Sensitivity is settable anywhere from "merely inane" to "gut-wrenching anal explosion" and can be set on a per-user basis. Files that crepd has decided meets the above criteria are held in /usr/stool for a user-settable period of time, and then flushed to /dev/dump. Anything crepd decides is true stinking diarrhea will be sent directly to /dev/dump with no questions asked. crepd is especially useful for cleaning out mail spool directories, as this has been proven to be one of the most prolific accumulators of crep in the history of interactive computing. There is, of course, a list of exceptions for crep you are required, against your better judgement, to have on the system. However, if crepd decides the list is full of crep, it will be migrated to /usr/stool. In scientific lab test, crepd has been shown to virtually eliminate user distractions, increase system performance by 50% and reduce backup volume by an order of magnitude. Our customers report that capital equipment expenditures have been reduced significantly now that they don't have to keep disks spun up just to keep the crep warm. As an added bonus, crepd will search through your process table and kill off any processes that anyone who could grab their butt with both hands wouldn't have launched during a billion year drinking binge. Next year, a stealth option to the crep detector daemon will be available. This option adds a new "virtual crep" feature to your file systems, which causes files that have been flushed by crepd to appear to still be there. In carefully controlled lab tests, we have found that users will happily continue to append Dan Quayle jokes to a file for years without ever realizing that the directory entry has been faked and the file no longer exists. So, be productive, be pure, get the crep Detector! Warning: Be sure to put Usenet News in the exceptions list, or crepd is sure to unlink the news spool directory, shoot nntpd, and set fire to your incoming news link. Brought to you by Waste Products, Inc. "If it's a Waste Product, you'll know it!"
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