"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if
you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he
gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer."
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music (In a soft voice)
Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave
your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you
and may God go with you. (Beep)
Hi this is (name). I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait
by the phone until I call you back.
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed
her answering machine message. In a loud, deep,gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI,
THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO
YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other
bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then
send the data. They used to answer the phone with: " Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute
and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local take-out.
With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone. "Starship Enterprise, Uhura
here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had
this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by
dialing five digits.
(Phone Rings) Noisy pick-up of phone Uh...(whisperingly) Hello? Hi, I 'm a burglar and I was
just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh,
I'll post it on the 'fridge where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway."
because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages
I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a "like your message" message. Feh!
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit
tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite
a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the
name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get
back for pow-wow real fast.
Also, on the subject of answering machines, my favorite tape was: "This is Jeff, you're not
in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd
Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to
answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as
possible.
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know
what to do."
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number
we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is
xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come
to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the
French Riviera..."
One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying
ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here. isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave
a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}
Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I
guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was: {background
music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud} Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a
little busy now... { BJ screams PRESSURE!!! } So, leave a message and we'll get back to you
someday after (exam end date) { BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very
out-of-tune BEEP! }
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the
U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]
(Ring) In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. (Husky, Soft female
voice is best) Hi,... You've just reached {name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure
you can tell but when we're done... we'llget back to you in whatever way we can. (Beep) You
wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one...
[background music is frantic, violin oriented] "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are
currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please
leave a message..." etc.
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush] (after about 30 seconds): "hello.
you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)
(Spoken in a granny voice) "Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets
like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht
leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot." Must be spoken in a drawl.
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of
kleenex] But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... [sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your
incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and
number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like
it we will return your call".
However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: "This is
David. I'm not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after
the holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I
would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up
and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.
"This is David. Talk."
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I
finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my
messages. Please leave one."
[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the background...] "Thinking you were
making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING
MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can."
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to
the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."
"Hello?" (pause for a few seconds) "Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a
message, he'll get back to you."
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can
be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interupting)
Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message)
Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: "Hi, this is Jeff. We
can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it?
But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually." BEEP
My favorite post quake message: "Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and
we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a
message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice;
never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner."
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the
stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person
running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh
huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call
you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had
a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
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