"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker . So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges." "Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice. "You know what to do at the tone." (beep) "Hello?" (beep) This confuses anyone who doesn't know you. "Hello, I'm not here." (beep) A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know." Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it. (beep) One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine. Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn) Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep. (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (aside) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... " (To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental accompaniment) I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to (BEEP) Hello, this is (insert your name here>. I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP! [Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.] You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.] Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!! I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... [Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message... leave a message... etc. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. [For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. Ok, One more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... ...Any questions? Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. (beep, beep, beep) The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. HANS: This is Hans FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: But we are not at home, you know FRANZ: Ya, we are gone HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up HANS: You will leave a message after the beep FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman. HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.. BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up "Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!" "Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. " In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again." A few people even got the joke... "You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important." "Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?" "Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?" "Heaven, God speaking." "Bridge, Kirk here." "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!" "Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell." "I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they hear a busy signal." If you are a burglar, then we are probably at home but can't come to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren't at home. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. " I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "I'm ........ "And I'm" (the guy whose answering machine it was) " We're not home; leave a message." He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny. "Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC