Bodily Functions
================
I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the
"perfect"
place to poop.
The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal
"relieving"
post.
I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the
first time I visit his house.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not scratch in dog class.
I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree
and going piddle on the dining room rug.
I will not throw up in the car.
Gross!
======
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat my own vomit.
I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop
in the
backyard.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's
a duplicate;
my dogs are repeat offenders.)
I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog
cookies
that I love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the
backyard
after processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a
houseguest who had been warned not to leave his socks around. It
had
been 'processed' and the pattern was still recognizable in
the pile in the back yard.)
I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on
them
until they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass
door
with a rodent tail hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating
dinner!
Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
I will not run over to my master after eating and burp in his
face.
I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my
human
is about to put on.
I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are
asleep.
Annoying/Embarrassing Habits
============================
I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
I will not hide Mom's slippers anymore.
I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to
track,
especially when my human is holding my leash.
I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across
the carpet while
guests are present.
Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and
sundry.
Especially when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy
is
standing on a slippery grass slope.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone
who is
sitting on the toilet.
I will not leave balls on the stairs.
I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's
smelly boots.
Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car
door
and leave pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint!
I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they
are
sitting on the toilet.
I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and
Daddy's
bed in the middle of the night.
I will not masturbate myself in front of new guests.
I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my
nose.
Other Critters
==============
I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of
it.
That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
Squirrels can fight back.
I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
Mockingbirds are not to be messed with. (They dive bomb! From
behind!)
The neighbourhood dogs are *NOT* burglars/murderers.
Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (cats, squirrels,
Mommy's guinea pig)
Other male dogs are not my enemies.
I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the
smaller
ones keep challenging me.
I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and GSD.
Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are
on
the lawn.
I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming
across
the lake.
I will not escape the backyard and go into the neighbour's
backyard
to play with my best friend, the German Shepherd.
I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig
that
my humans were about to bury and scare my Mommy by
carrying him into the house like a stuffed toy and looking at her
as
if to say, "I think this guy got outside by some mistake!
Isn't he
supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
I will not terrorize the nice bunnies. (and the not-so-nice
bunnies...
they kick!)
I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
Not-all-there
==============
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one
on TV.
I will not bark at the dog in the aquarium.
I will not bark at the dog floating outside the window. It is
just my
reflection.
Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with
Mommy.
I have a fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into
small,
but very hard, trees.
Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be
afraid of them.
I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every
trick I know
whether my master asked for it or not.
I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture
when people
are sitting on it.
Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself
without
barking at them when they are present.
Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
The dogs on TV are not real.
The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its
hiding
place.
I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack
them.
I will realize that that scary animal in the yard next door is
just a
really tacky plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every
opportunity.
I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa
Claus on the
neighbour's front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs,
so I
will stop barking at them whenever they are turned on.
I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up
when
Mommy says to even though it's only 15 degrees F out and
Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can
do
it myself.
I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new
Christmas
rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat
when the wind chill is -46 degrees F.
Personal Comfort
================
Baths are fun and relaxing!
Waterbeds were designed for humans. Really.
Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really
is all right.
I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
I will not crowd my human in bed.
I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get
them.
I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and
will move when Mom and Dad want in.
I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene
heater.
I will quit hogging all the pillows.
I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the
closet
so I can sleep on it in the middle of the night.
When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I
know how to share.
I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
I weigh 70 pounds. I will not fit on Mom's lap.
The Human Factor
================
The vet is my *friend*.
I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there
really is
someone at the door.
I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal
possessions (retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is
not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.
I will not howl when my mistress is practicing the
{piano|violin|glockenspiel}.
I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
I will recognize my beloved mistress, even if she *is* wearing
her drum-n-bugle- corps uniform.
I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice
cream
maker.
I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem...
intimate.
I will realise that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because
my parents throw me outside to wee late at night and will
therefore refrain from announcing it by barking non-stop.
I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine
jealously
and try to force myself between them.
Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rotteweiler, I will
refrain
from becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me
because it embarrasses my Mom.
I will not attack my master everytime he sits on the floor while
talking with someone on the telephone.
I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my owner gives a
down-
stay command.
It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset.
Dogs
are for the floor, people should be on furniture.)
I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business,
when Dad is the one teasing me.
I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after
scolding me.
I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit,
pillows and a phony beard.
I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws
just
because Mom's driving.
I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
The carollers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to
play
with me.
I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her - he
isn't
really trying to hurt her.
I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on
my human.
I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
I will not nip Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
Children
=========
Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always
mean
I should take it.
Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real
good at it yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
I will not knock over the little neighbourhood kids when I greet
them.
I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbour's kids'
faces.
I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their
children at every possible opportunity.
Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her
face.
I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not
try to exert my dominance on them.
Mess Making/Destroying
======================
I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore,
thereby
making it look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work
and is
wearing nice clothes.
I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running
through
a mud puddle.
I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside
my human.
I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
I will not chew on the deck.
I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls
in
the house (so that my mum can see just how much I've grown!).
I will not "de-flea" my mum's pillow in the middle of
the night whilst
she is trying to sleep on it!
I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
I will not chew the dog training book especially when it is a
library
book and my mother is a librarian.
I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and
Daddy are
away at work.
I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food
more
accessible on the floor.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.
I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on
for
months. (Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with
my
muddy feet.
I will not peel wallpaper off of the walls.
Hampering
=========
I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she
buried for me.
I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has
just planted.
I will not sulk by trying to sleep under mummy's feet while she
is
making breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because
she slept in, is in a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in
my kennel.
I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the
floor board.
I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy
are already running late and ready to leave.
I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph
in a blizzard.
I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans
while they are eating.
I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in
it!
When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this
as a sign to start a game of tug-of-war.
Misuse/Misappropriation of items
================================
My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Mommy is not a salt lick.
The rug is not a napkin.
That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
The balls on the Christmas tree are _not_ dog balls.
All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within
my reach but I can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
Miscellaneous
=============
The doggie door is my friend.
I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery
when
it is clear she/he is not interested in playing.
I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking
by a game.
I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
70 kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide
under
small coffee tables when they have been naughty.
I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10
minutes
of getting it.
I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble,
without
Mom having to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me
because I knock her
over.
I will not open any presents before Christmas.
I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking
for mine.
I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like
every
dog that ever lived for charity.
I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.
Briar bushes are not fun.
I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
See also Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
From the Internet, Sharon Curtis' Humour site at Oxford University. © not known.