[Some quotes...] "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers... 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon... Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' " - Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." - Bobcat Goldthwait "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." - Jim Carrey "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork! God has spoken! Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" - Jon Stewart "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." - Jack Mayberry "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself." - Judy Tenuta "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" - John Mendoza "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfeld "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." - Ellen DeGeneres "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone... 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' " - Jake Johansen -------------------- A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures, he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by; the man is back and the doctor asks: "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough... scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll ...and by the way, you have a lovely home." -------------------- A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customerwalks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please" The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer saying, "That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey-most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Ah, that monkey can program in C-very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money". The tourist looks at another monkey in that cage. "That one's even more expensive -- $10,000 dollars! What does it do?". "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java; all the really useful stuff". The tourist looks around for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage all its own. The price tag around its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" "Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a contractor." -------------------- Miller, Iain A wrote: Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........ -------------------- [A little humor from the US News and World Report...] After a long life, Bill Gates finds himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well Bill", says the Saint, "I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. You did help society by putting computers in millions of homes, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95! So I'll let you decide where you want to go...and you can visit both places to help make up your mind." So Bill went down to Hell. It was beautiful, with clean sandy beaches and gorgeous women frolicking in the perfect weather. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven," he said. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, very pleasant with angels drifting about, playing harps. Hell was much more enticing, so down he went. Two weeks later St. Peter went down to check on Bill and found him shackled to a wall as demons tortured him. "This is awful!" Bill screamed. "This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! What happened to the other place?" "That was the demo," replied St. Peter. -------------------- A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Listen, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
From Philip G Ward, 1997 © Unknown.