Owain F Carter

The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife


Humour


     WIFESPEAK                  ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
     ---------                  ------- ----------
* You want              <==   You want
* We need               <==   I want
* It's your decision    <==   The right decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want      <==   You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk       <==   I need to complain
* Sure,... go ahead     <==   I don't want you to
* I'm hungry            <==   (a) Make me something to eat
                                (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
                                    your last $$, and go drive across town
                                    and get me something to eat. ... I don't
                                    care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset         <==   Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly   <==   You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* You're certainly      <==   Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional!    <==   I'm having my period
  And I'm not over-
  reacting!
* Be romantic, turn     <==   I have flabby thighs
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so    <==   I want a new house
  inconvenient
* The car is empty      <==   Go fill it up
* The trash is full     <==   Take it out
* The dog is barking    <==   Go outside in your underwear and see what is
                                wrong
* I want new curtains   <==   and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes  <==   the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture      <==   NO! I mean hang it there!
  there
* I heard a noise       <==   I noticed you were almost asleep
* Do you love me?       <==   I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love  <==   I did something today you're really not going
  me?                           to like


In answer to "What's Wrong?"

* Nothing               <==   Everything
* Everything            <==   My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really       <==   It's just that you're such an asshole
* I don't want to talk  <==   Go away, I'm still building up steam.
  about it

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