Date: Tue Dec 14 16:43:02 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Your Delightful Gift To: af971 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Wed Dec 15 06:03:02 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Yours Delightful Gift To: af971 Dearest John: Today the courier brought your very sweet gift. I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. Two turtle doves. All my love, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Thu Dec 16 10:03:02 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Yours Extravagant Gift To: af971 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - three French Hens. They are darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Fri Dec 17 22:47:24 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Please Enough is Enough To: af971 Dear John: Today there were four calling birds delivered. Now really they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Sat Dec 18 22:47:24 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Your Generosity is Overwhelming To: af971 Dear John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings ... one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking were getting on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Sun Dec 19 10:07:32 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Please Stop Sending Me Birds To: af971 Dear John: When I opened the door this morning there were actually six geese a-laying on my front step. So your back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!!! Cordially, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Mon Dec 20 20:12:44 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Please! Please! Stop Sending Me Damn Birds To: af971 John: What is it with you and these damn birds --- seven swans a- swimming. What kind of joke is this? There are bird droppings all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It is NOT funny. So stop with the damn birds. Sincerely, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Tue Dec 21 23:53:43 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: Stop with the presents!!!! To: af971 Okay Buster: I think I preferred the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds, the eight maids a-milking had to bring their goddamn cows. There is cow shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay-off smart ass. Agnes ================================================================= Date: Wed Dec 22 14:14:14 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: STOP OR I WILL SUE!!!! To: af971 Hey ShitHead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there are nine pipers playing and boy do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Thu Dec 23 02:12:12 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: I WILL GET EVEN IF IT TAKES ME THE REST OF MY LIFE!! To: af971 You Rotten Bas%@*%!: Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies - they've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is like a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building should not be condemned. I'm sic-ing the police on you, One who means it! ================================================================= Date: Fri Dec 24 04:14:14 1993 From: xy974@freenet.carleton.ca (Agnes McHolstein) Subject: YOU HAVE PUSHED ME TOO FAR! To: af971 Listen PeckerHead: What's with those eleven lords a-leaping those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied - you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes ================================================================= Date: Sat Dec 25 10:00:00 1993 From: xx974@freenet.carleton.ca (Badger, Badger and Cajole) Subject: Restraining Order To: af971 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client - Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarian, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site! With this letter please find a warrant for your arrest. Yours truly, Badger, Badger and Cajole
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