Owain F Carter

Abused Bread

Humour

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Were you aware that one in four, that's 25%, of all slices of bread are in
some way abuse before they reach a sandwich.  Statistics show that slices,
especially those towards the front of the bread bag are constantly
fondled, brushed aside and left to go stale as the abuser looks for a
fresher, tastier victim.

Working with victims of this abuse was Dr Joe Lee. He found that instances
of low self-esteem, self-blame and internalized anguish were almost
doubled in slices towards the front of the bag.

"Lots of questions, that's what I find" he said."What's wrong with me?, Am
I too crusty? Am I not as fresh? All this confusion caused simply be a
selfish and misguided bread nature."

Victims of this abuse often described themselves as crushed, discarded and
often had a distinct fear of butter.  A specific psychological disorder
which has been labelled Creamcheesia has also been identified by
this research.  Dr Lee says that he plans to widen the scope of research
by interviewing the growing number of toast victims.  Some of these have
never fully recovered from this type of abusing, afraid to enter into
other bread relationships.  It would appear that those who have been burnt
by this type of experience have found it the most difficult to rejoin
society.

Dr Lee said there are several preventative steps that can be taken to
ensure a reduction in bread abuse.

1. Never freeze bread, even if this has little or no effect on the overall
freshness of the bread it may result in a cold, hard, resentful slice.

2. A constantly spread bread is a happy bread.

3. Treat crust fairly, do not throw it away.  Remember you first action
towards bread will decide how the entire loaf views you.

4.  Compliment your bread.  "You've got nice grain","I like the way you
cling to the roof of my mouth." That sort of thing.

5. Above all include your bread in the whole eating experience, this is
not an individual, self gratifying experience, it is a team effort.

Thank you for your time.