On April 15, 1992, I was granted an exclusive interview with the master of darkness, Mr. B. L. Zeebub, head honcho of the underworld, sometimes known as "Satan" or "the devil." Since I avoid association with his clan, he contacted me by MCI Mail to set up a meeting. He had learned I was looking into various industry moguls who are believed to have made a deal with the devil, and that I had become something of an expert on the subject. Because of an unusual deal he had made with Bill Gates, Mr. Zeebub thought it would be good to have a meeting. We chose a neutral spot, the lobby of the San Francisco Marriott, to meet. The conversation was taped, and the following is an edited transcript. Dvorak: So exactly why did you call for this meeting? I find this unusual. Zeebub: It's quite out of the ordinary for me, too, but I have done quite a few deals with many of the richest men in high technology, and I want to go public with the information. D: Why? What difference does it make? Z: Not wanting to name names, I did a deal with Bill Gates, and it's causing some confusion and consternation with some of the other fellows. D: Bill Gates? Don't tell me he sold his soul to become a billionaire? Z: Well, that's what we thought at first. The deal was pretty straightforward. He's one of the richest men in the world and can have anything he wants. This is, of course, thanks to me. After he's dead I'm supposed to have certain rights that supercede normal procedure. Now we've discovered this will never happen. D: For example? Z: Well, his attornys did a great job--and I admit this--making sure he's protected from those notorious tricks you've heard so much about. Gates' people made sure none of that kind of nonsence was allowable. We actually may have been premature when we signed it. He seems to have a lot of clauses my people didn't understand. We were so concerned with his soul that we didn't pay enough attention to his attorneys. The guy just doesn't look that threatening. D: Uh, let me get this straight. You did a deal with Gates and the deal favored him? Z: Well, it actually may be worse than that. I'm not sure what to do about it. Gates' deal has some interesting performance clauses and some fallback language that they slipped by us. Gates requires that his net worth increase $10 billion by the end of 1992 and then double each year for the next five years. It was written in such a way that we didn't see how the numbers were going to increase so fast. My people are having a hell of a time, pardon my French, maintaining his wealth curve. We've got him up to eight billion or so and can probably meet this year's requirements, but to double it again is going to be tough. D: So throw in the towel. What's the big deal? Z: It turns out that if we don't perform, Gates gets my business. D: What do you mean, "gets your business?" Z: Takes over the business. You know, like, owns it. He gets all those contracts from me. Can you imagine what will happen when those guys who signed up with me from Sun Microsystems, for example, find out that Gates gets their souls!?!? D: You mean he'd get their souls? Like for eternity? That kind of thing? What would he do with them? What about when he grows old and... Z: Oh, he's already immortal. That was another deal he did with an associate long ago. Bill Gates is 208 years old! If I had known about it I wouldn't have done this deal in the first place. Anyway, I have no idea what he'd do with their souls. Auction them, I suppose. It's not them I'm worried about. D: Who ARE you worried about? Z: Me. My councelors now tell me that if I go into default he will actually own MY soul. D: Wow. First the business, now the soul. How could such a thing happen? What would it mean to the scheme of things? Z: That's what we're trying to figure out. My long-term obligations to the universe and the good-evil continuum are in jeopardy. There's a rumor going around that Gates wants to parcel hell, put in a fake beach and sell condos. It's not that I care that much about the property. It's the principle of the thing. D: So, what's the point of this meeting? Z: Do you know any good lawyers? D: I though you had them all in hell. Z: They don't keep up with current cases. Shortly thereafter I left Mr. Zeebub in the Marriott lobby. He looked depressed. I agreed to publish this interview as a plea for an attorney for the devil. I'm told the attorneys know how to get in touch with him.
Submitted to rec.humor by
+----------------------------+-----------------------------------------------+ | Dan Neuwirth | Does anybody really read these stupid | | Symantec Peter Norton Group| disclaimers anyway? I speak for myself. | | Engineering Department +-----------------------------------------------+ | 2500 Broadway Suite 200 | 91 Ford Mustang 5.0 LX Hatchback | | Santa Monica, CA 90404 USA | 94 Saturn SL2, Everything but the Sunroof | +----------------------------+-----------------------------------------------+ | GCS -d+ H++ s+ g+ p? au+ a23 w v C++ N++ K- W++ M-- po+ t+ 5 j tv b- D+ | | B-- e -u h--- f+ r+++ n+ x+++ ) GC 2.1 ) | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
This article originally appeared in MicroTimes, May 11, 1992 Issue #95. "Bill Gates and No Sympathy for the Devil" -- or "an Interview with Mr. B. L. Zeebub-Astonishing True Story" © 1992 John C. Dvorak.