COMPUTER SONGS AND POEMS
=====(version 1.3)======
------30-Dec-1992-------
(Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects)
collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen (hanssgen@ira.uka.de)
The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by a line of "@"s :
Title : The title of the parody
Original : The title of the original
Group : The one(s) who performed the original
Author : Author of the parody
Info : Additional Comments by the Author
Song : The Parody itself
Title : Can't parse this
Original : U Can't Touch This
Group : MC Hammer
Author : patrick widener (pmw3y@acacia.cs.Virginia.EDU)
Intro : rap it to the tune of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer,
and watch your phrasing.... :)
Song :
can't parse this
my assignments hit me so hard
make me say, "oh my lord
thank you for blessin me
with a load to code and a 2 hype seat"
right here, in front of a Sparc
looks good in the light, looks better in the dark
but it tells me - in a manner quite harsh
"This is a string I can't parse"
(I told ya, kludge-boy)
Can't Parse This
(yea, a fatal error and you know)
Can't Parse This
(look at that code, maaaan)
Can't Parse This
(yo lemme bust some funky diagnostics)
"fresh new bugs, and errors
your code is more than compiler terror
it's rotten - to the core
i don't like it but you know i'll get more
than i can handle
hold on
identifier not found or your semicolon's gone
step back - step back
can't you see i'm developing a crack
in my hardware - your code's a farce
cause this is a string I Can't Parse"
(yo i told ya)
Can't Parse This
(why you sittin there, man)
Can't Parse This
(yo, sound the terminal bell, ya got mail, sucka)
compile-time bugs disrupt my rhythm
it's tellin me trash is what i'm givin him
it's garbage, in and out
but instead of a nice little a.out
i get feedback
fed back
to me by this here RISC machine
no fun
what's it gonna take in the 90s to run these programs
4GLs?
either learn those or wind up in hell
that's longWORD because you know
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
top-down!
Stop! Compile Time!
go with the flow
it is said if you can't write in C then you probably are dead
so wave K&R in the air
waste a few nights, run your fingers thru your hair
this is it
no dinner - code like this and you'll surely get thinner
sitting
on your rump
watch your machine cause it's gonna do a dump
dump dump dump (core dumped)
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
(ya better get Turbo cause I can't)
I Can't Parse This
(ring the bell, your mail's been returned)
shutdown!
Stop! Link Time!
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
slowdown!
Stop! Run Time!
every time I program
it complains about my code
maybe i'm in the wrong book or Emacs is in the wrong mode
now i know that i'll never stop doing this
cause our 3rd party software keeps on giving us fits
i did an RTFM
read K&R all day
it's "Error!" "Big Error!" "Nasty Error!" "FATAL ERROR!"
so instead i'll go and play
Can't Parse This
Can't Parse This
I Can't Parse This
(yeah)
Can't Parse This
(i told ya, wahoos,)
Can't Parse This
(too many symbols)
Can't Parse This
(yo, we're outa here)
Can't P-- bus error (core dumped)
(c) 1991 Radio Free Lerxstwood
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Title : 0x0d2c
Original : ?
Group : ?
Author : Bill Mitchell (mitchell@mdd.comm.mot.com)
Intro :
Song :
0x0d2c
------
May all your signals trap
May your references be bounded
All memory aligned
Floats to ints be rounded
Remember....
Nonzero is TRUE
++ adds one
Arrays start with [0]
NULL points to none
For octal use zero
0x means in hex
use = to set
and == for a test
Use -) for a pointer
a dot if it's not
?: is confusing
use this a lot
a.out is your program
there's no 'u' in foobar
and char (*(*x())[])() is
a function returning a pointer
to an array of pointers
to functions returning a char
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Title : 99 Buckets of Bits
Original : 99 Bottles of Beer
Group : ?
Author : "Jonathan E. Katz" (jonathan@kanga.cad.ucla.edu)
Intro : (of course 90 buckets of bits then becomes 8f buckets of bits...)
buckets can also be replaced by bytes
Song :
99 buckets of bits on the bus,
99 buckets of bits.
take one down,
short it to ground.
98 buckets of bits on the bus..
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Title : A Better Model
Original : A Modern Major-General
Group : Gilbert and Sullivan
Author : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Intro :
Song :
A Better Model
==============
by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Submitted by "Spam"
Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
by Gilbert and Sullivan
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?
By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.
Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.
Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
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Title : A Graphic Song ("It's a commie plot")
Original : "Catch a Wave"
Author : ?
Info : Kindly provided in source by Jim McGlinchey - from the RSX songbook
Song :
Lead: Nobody wants to try the greatest hack around
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass: Everybody tries it once
Lead: Those who have just want to shut it down
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead: You cut some code, then compile and link,
and then you - turn on the plotter, fill the pens with ink,
Tutti: You gotta -
Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
Lead: Not just DECgraph, 'cause it's been plotting on so long
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass: It's been going now for hours
Lead: They said it wouldn't plot that long
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead: They'll eat their words with a forkin' VAX, just watch 'em -
they rasterize in real time - it drags ass
Tutti: You gotta -
Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
Lead: So take a lesson from a top-notch hacker boy
Backup: Plot a wave, plot a wave
Bass: Get yourself RSX
Lead: But don't you treat it like a toy
Backup: Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow
Lead: So stick your plot, go ahead and whine, look fella -
we don't plot 'round here, this is real time
Tutti: You gotta -
Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
Plot, plot, where the sun never shines
Plot a wave and you're sittin' on top of the world.
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Title : A is for Apple
Original : A is for Apple
Group : Traditional
Author : Douglas Spencer
Intro :
Song :
A is for Apple
by Douglas Spencer
Computer Systems Administrator, Anderman and Co Ltd
A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.
E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
F is a FORK for creating a child,
G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER
I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.
M is the MODEM we use from our home,
N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.
Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.
U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear,
V is the VISUAL editor here.
W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.
Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
Z for the snores from the programming pool.
Written while waiting while dinner was cooking
submitted by chiyo to funny@looking.
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Title : Addicted to News
Original : Addicted To Love
Group : Robert Palmer
Author : Elf Sternberg (elf@halcyon.com)
Intro :
Song :
The lights are on-- 'cause you're at home.
Your brain's wired to your phone.
Alt.sex, and talk.bizarre,
You his 'reply,' start a flamewar!
You don't sleep, you drink Coke,
You can't stop, you might choke.
Know what, you crave the most?
Talk.religion, with unread posts!
You like to think you've figured out drieux!
Oh yeah?
A day without net access is a day with the blues,
You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.
Pirate clari, you've got it all.
Local news, e'en from Nepal?
'End of newsgroups' is your key,
To join *.advocacy!
A fido gate's your latest fun,
Mailing lists, every one.
A one-track mind, you can't be pried,
From your keyboard, until you've died!
Just when you think you've figured out drieux!
Oh, yeah!
A day without net access is a day with the blues,
You're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to News.
The lights are on, 'cause your at home.
Your brain's wired to your phone.
Alt.slack, talk.pol.misc,
You've never felt a real live kiss!
Elf !!!
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Title : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group : Robert Palmer
Author : Chuck Musciano (chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com)
Intro : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi,
I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of
"Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.
As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women,
all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing
sinuously.
Song :
Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.
You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.
Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!
Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
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Title : The Alternative Wall
Original : The Wall
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Alan Cox (iiitac@pyramid.swansea.ac.uk), Leon Thrane,
Jim Finnis, Alec Muffet (aem@aber.ac.uk) & (?)
Intro : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long
drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London &
Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988.
Song :
The Alternative Wall:-
Established by:- Anarchy, Atropos, White,
Roadrunner)))++)), & Giant Hogweed.
Nobody On
---------
I got keyboard corns on my fingers,
I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain,
I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains.
My programs always fail,
I got a strong urge to MAIL
But I got no-one to MAIL to,
MAIL to,
MAIL to..
Oh, babe, when I send down the phone,
There's still nobody on...
The Alternative Wall, Part Two.
Does anybody here remember DEC?
Remember how the manual
Was useless to me
In every way.
UNIX, what has become of you?
Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you...
The Alternative Wall, Part Three.
The Trial
---------
Good Morning, ROOT, your honour,
The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed in the system
Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature
This will not do!
CALL THE LOGFILE!
"I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour,
If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX!
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Not to mention the Dave Prices
Wouldn't let me throw him off!"
-- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer.
The Alternative Wall, Part Four.
The UNIX Login Software
-----------------------
Is there anybody out there?
(repeat ad nauseam)
The Alternative Wall, Part Five.
One of My Hacks
---------------
Log onto the system
On that lurid green screen
You'll find there's no response!
Don't look so frightened,
this is just a passing crash,
One of my bad hacks!
Would you like to watch TV,
Well, that's no use to me
I want to watch you squirm
As you try to get logged on!
Do you want to call the OPS,
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?
The Alternative Wall, Part Six.
Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now?
----------------------------------------
What shall we use to trash
The filled up spaces on the archive tape?
How should I hack and leave no traces,
How shall the system completely fall?
The Alternative Wall, Part Seven.
Uncomfortably Numb
------------------
Hello, is there anybody on here?
I'm here but can you see me?
Is there anyone at home?
C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down,
I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again.
Relax, I need some information first,
Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt?
There is no shell, your call is clearing,
The distant chips smoke on the breadboard,
You are only coming through off pads,
Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing.
When I was a child I caught a virus,
My filebase swelled just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again,
I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand,
This is not how I am.
I have become uncomfortably numb.
The Alternative Wall, Part Eight.
In a Flash
----------
So ya
Thought ya
Might like to
Go to the show
To feel the thrill of board hacking,
That luminescent glow.
I've got some bad news for you, sunshine
OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down,
And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar,
And we're going to find out who you guys
Really are.
Have we got any oppos on the system tonight?
Grep 'em up against the wall.
There's one on Bullet,
He don't look right to me,
Grep him up agaist the wall.
That one's called Badger,
And that one's Tyrone,
Who let all this riffraff on their own;
There's one smoking a joint and
Another with sandals?
If I had my way
I'd have all of you shot.
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Title : An Irish CPU
Original : An Irish Ballad
Group : Tom Lehrer
Author : Sarah Elizabeth Miller
Intro :
Song :
AN IRISH CPU
(to An Irish Ballad by Tom Lehrer)
by Sarah Elizabeth Miller
About a CPU I sing,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
About a CPU I sing
Who sat around compi-a-ling
And wouldn't do another thing
For anyone else logged in, logged in,
For anyone else logged in.
Old programs it would just ignore,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Old programs it would just ignore
And leave them rotting in the core,
Not caring what they all were for
Except those in "user/bin", "user/bin",
Except those in "user/bin".
This CPU was lots of fun,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This CPU was lots of fun
Until one wanted programs run
And if one tried to get them done
It typed back "You're not logged in, logged in."
It typed back "You're not logged in."
Long processes it would not do,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
Long processes it would not do
And, rather than to run them through,
Would ask to have some Irish stew
And a couple of cases of gin, of gin,
And a couple of cases of gin.
And then it would raise hellish toasts,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
And then it would raise hellish toasts
And make a few obnoxious boasts,
Not only could it drink the most,
It knew many more ways to sin, to sin.
It knew many more ways to sin.
To prove its point to all the world,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
To prove its point to all the world
It let the magtape fall in curls
And wrap around some foxy girl
And slowly rewind her in, her in,
And slowly rewind her in.
This sordid tale I won't prolong,
Sing rickity, tickity, tin.
This sordid tale I won't prolong
And, if you do not enjoy my song,
You've got Abe to blame if it's too long.
He should never have let me begin, begin.
He should never have let me begin.
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Title : Another Glitch in the Call
Original : Another Brick in the Wall
Group : Pink Floyd
Author : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM
Intro :
Song :
Another Glitch in the Call
==========================
(Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.)
(Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Hey! You! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
We don't need no side effect-ing
We don't need no scope control
No global variables for execution
Hey! You! Leave those args alone!
(Chorus)
We don't need no allocation
We don't need no special nodes
No dark bit-flipping in the functions
Hey! You! Leave those bits alone!
(Chorus)
We don't need no compilation
We don't need no load control
No link edit for external bindings
Hey! You! Leave that source alone!
(Chorus, and repeat)
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Title : Another One
Original : Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Group : ?
Author : ?
Intro : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-)
Song :
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus (north pole )town
cat /etc/passwd )list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty )nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice )giftlist
santa claus (north pole ) town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus (north pole )town
cat /etc/passwd )list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty )nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice )giftlist
santa claus (north pole ) town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) { be good; }
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Title : A Song of Computation
Author : Tony Duell
Original : A Song of Reproduction
Group : Flanders and Swann
Intro : The processor 'of storage 4 k byte' is (of course) a Philips P850,
a minicomputer noted for its limited memory (4 k bytes was the
maximum), RISC-like instruction set, and total lack of speed.
After that, the PDP11/45 was a great improvement
EI set = Extended Instruction Set, i.e. the XOR, Multiply and
Divide instructions etc
DW11-B was a DEC option to use Q-Bus cards on a UNIBUS PDP11. They
are much desired by PDP11 enthusiasts, although they can cause
problems
NXM error = Non eXistant Memory error - what happens if there is a
bus time-out during a DMA transfer
Don't try to make too much sense of the spoken part in the middle
It makes more sense than the original, anyway
Song :
I had a little processor
With storage 4 K byte
And with an octal program
It ran throughout the night
And then they optimised it
It was much faster then
And we loaded Fortran Programs
To make it slow again
Today for computation
I'm as eager as can be
Count me among the faithful fans
of high end P - D - P
High end PDP
45's the one for me
With cartridge disk and EI set
and 6 foot rack mount cabinet
floating point boards too
complete with M M U
All the lowest bits either clear or set
What they mean now I quite forget
Still there's enough range there for national debt
With my high end PDP
(spoken)
Who configured this for you anyway?
DEC field service ?!?!?
Ooooh what a shoddy job they made of it!
Suprised they let you run that configuration on this processor, the priorities
are all wrong. If you move the tape drive down the bus after the console port,
and then re-assign the address of the system disk, then you'll still only get
adequate performance if you run modified software
I see you've got your system disk on the Q-Bus! Take that though a DW11-B bus
convertor, and via your A-leg Mux into the ALU, If you're running multi-user,
you're going to loose grants. Try to load the OS that way and what'll you get
A NXM error!
High end PDP
RSX version 3
I've a shell right here that you won't escape
On miles of 9-track recording tape
18 bit address
Will prove a great success
With the console switch, at a single touch
The lisiting comes in double dutch
But I never did care for data much
With my high end PDP
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Title : A Time for DWIM
Original : A Time for Us
Group : theme song from Romeo and Juliet
Author : Guy L. Steele Jr.
Intro :
Song :
A Time for DWIM
[to be sung to the tune of
A Time for Us
(theme song from Romeo and Juliet)]
A time for DWIM
There'll never be;
No clever code
This losing mode
Can UNDO for me.
This "golden hope"
(To be denied)
Could never
Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide.
A way for bugs
There'll never be
To fix with generality.
So to this DWIM
Let's say farewell;
The crocks therein
Prove it can't win
And ring its knell:
Do What I Mean
Is just a ruse --
It really
Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose!
-- The Great Quux
(with apologies to
Rota, Kusik, and Snyder)
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Title : Automation
Original : Fascination
Group : Jane Morgan (???)
Author : Alan Sherman (singer), transcribed by Russell Street
(russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info : The music Sherman used had be re-arranged from the
"original" of the song I have.
Song :
It was automation, I know,
That was what was making the factory go.
It was IBM, it was UNIVAC,
It was all those gears going clickerty-clack, dear
I thought automation was keen,
'Till you were replaced by a ten tonne machine.
It was that computer that tore us apart, dear
Automation broke my heart.
There's an RCA 503
Standing next to me, dear, where you used to be.
Doesn't have your smile, doesn't have your shape.
Just a lot a bunch of punch cards and light bulbs and tape, dear.
Your a girl whose soft, warm and sweet.
But your only human and that's obselete.
Though I'm very fond of that new 503, dear.
Automation's not for me.
"It was automation", I'm told
That's why I got fired and I'm out in the cold
How could I have known, when the 503,
Started into blink, it was winking at me, dear.
I thought it was just some mishap.
When it sidled over and sat on my lap
But when it said "I love you" and gave me a hug, dear
That's when I pulled out its plug
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