Owain F Carter
Computer Songs and Poems
Humour
Title : The Computer Nevermore
Original : The Raven
Group : Edgar Allan Poe
Author : ?
Intro :
Song :
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
With my fingers pale and trembling,
SLowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
There I sat, distraught exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
ROh no--my data base,S I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
RYouUll see your data Nevermore!S
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And thatUs the tale I have to tell
Your choice: RAbort, Retry, Ignore.S
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : Core dumped blues
Original : ?
Group : ?
Author : ?
Intro : (from Fortune file on IBM RISC 6000)
Song :
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got no Mail
And I can't recall the last time my Program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got array in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
If you think that's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statment with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violatien -- Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tape would freeze,
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : CRASH! goes the System
Original : POP goes the weasel
Group : ?
Author : ?
Intro : Here's one my father wrote some years ago. It used to hang
on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space
Flight Center (NASA).
Song :
CRASH! goes the System
Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk
No use to hope you missed them
That's the way computing goes--
CRASH! goes the system.
Go exchange the circuit boards
Try and use your wisdom
No way will you catch that bug--
CRASH! goes the system.
Our pride and joy has features galore
It takes a day to list them
And none of them can be used any more--
CRASH! goes the system.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : CRAY-S's coolant
Original : Octopusse's Garden
Group : Beatles
Author : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett)
Intro : [fragment]
Song :
I'd like to be
under the sea,
in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade
This freon gas
will freeze my ass,
in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : Cycles For Nothing
Original : Money For Nothing
Group : Dire Straits
Author : Matt Crawford (matt@oddjob.uchicago.edu)
Intro :
Song :
Cycles For Nothing
(i want my
i want my
i want my X-MP!)
Now look at them yo-yo's that's
the way you do it
You run the fortran on the X-MP
That ain't hackin' that's the way
you do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
Now that ain't hackin' that's the way
you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark
system
Maybe design a little neutron bomb
We gotta install microwave uplinks
Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run
See the kid professor with the blue
jeans and the necktie
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That kid professor got his Nobel
prize now
That kid professor he's a millionaire
We gotta install microwave uplinks
Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run
I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran
I shoulda kept that old 029
Look at that output, he got it stacked
up to the ceilin'
I bet he ain't read one line
And in there, what's that?
A hundred postdocs?
Bangin' on the keyboards like some
chimpanzees
That ain't hackin' that's the way you
do it
Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free
We gotta install microwave uplinks
Custom fuzzballs for everyone
We gotta link up DDS circuits
BERT and loopback tests to run
by Matt Crawford
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : The Day Bell System Died
Original : American Pie
Group : Don Mclean
Author : Lauren Weinstein (vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM)
Intro : Greetings. With the massive changes now taking place in the
telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with
seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding
the various effects now beginning to take place. However, one
important element has been missing: a song! Since the great
Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now
attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious
look at a possible future of telecommunications. This work is
entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be
interpreted in a non-satirical manner. The song should be sung
to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie".
I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"...
Song :
*==================================*
* Notice: This is a satirical work *
*==================================*
"The Day Bell System Died"
Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein
(To the tune of "American Pie")
(With apologies to Don McLean)
ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM
UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren
Long, long, time ago,
I can still remember,
When the local calls were "free".
And I knew if I paid my bill,
And never wished them any ill,
That the phone company would let me be...
But Uncle Sam said he knew better,
Split 'em up, for all and ever!
We'll foster competition:
It's good capital-ism!
I can't remember if I cried,
When my phone bill first tripled in size.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day... Bell System... died.
And we were singing...
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Is your office Step by Step,
Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet?
Everybody used to ask...
Oh, is TSPS coming soon?
IDDD will be a boon!
And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon...
The color phones are really neat,
And direct dialing can't be beat!
My area code is "low":
The prestige way to go!
Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime!
Well, I suppose it's about time.
I remember how the payphones chimed,
The day... Bell System... died.
And we were singing...
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Back then we were all at one rate,
Phone installs didn't cause debate,
About who'd put which wire where...
Installers came right out to you,
No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo,
And 411 was free, seemed very fair!
But FCC wanted it seems,
To let others skim long-distance creams,
No matter 'bout the locals,
They're mostly all just yokels!
And so one day it came to pass,
That the great Bell System did collapse,
In rubble now, we all do mass,
The day... Bell System... died.
So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
I drove on out to Murray Hill,
To see Bell Labs, some time to kill,
But the sign there said the Labs were gone.
I went back to my old CO,
Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago,
But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn...
No relays pulsed,
No data crooned,
No MF tones did play their tunes,
There wasn't a word spoken,
All carrier paths were broken...
And so that's how it all occurred,
Microwave horns just nests for birds,
Everything became so absurd,
The day... Bell System... died.
So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
We were singing:
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : The DEC Man cometh
Original : The Gas Man cometh
Group : Michael Flounders and Donald Swan
Author : Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info : Ever have one of those days...
Song :
Twas on the Monday morning the DEC man came to call
The VAX wouldn't boot -- we weren't getting VAX at all
He tore out all the cables winding around the VAX
And we had to call the hardware guys in to put them back again.
(Chorus) Oh it all makes work for the working man to do
Twas on the Tuesday morning their technician came 'round
He soldered and he tested and said "Look what I've found"
"Your ROMs are all the old versions, but I'll put them all to right"
Then he shorted out a cable, and out down all the Suns
(Chorus)
Was on a Wednesay morning the Sun technican came
He called me Mr Sanderson which isn't quite me name
He couldn't fix the server without our CD drive
And as root on the SG he typed 'unlink /', so we called SGI in
(Chorus)
Was on the Thursday morning the SGI rep came along
With his mini-root tapes and his manuals and his merry SGI song
He reinstalled the system -- it took no time at all
But we had to get the Next people in to come and fix the NFS
(Chorus)
Was on a Friday morning the Next man made a start
With mounts and exports he crossmounted every disk
Every machine and every directory, but I found when he was gone
He changed some IP addresses, and our VAX had gone!
(Chorus)
On Saturday and Sunday they do no work at all
So was on the Monday morning that the VAX man came to call...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : DECman
Original : The Gas Man Cometh
Group : Flanders and Swann
Author : Tony Duell
Intro : This is dedicated to all those who called out DEC field service
for a simple problem, and wished you hadn't..........
Song :
It was on a Monday morning
The DEC man came to call,
My system wouldn't boot
There was no prompt at all
He pulled out all my SPC's
To try a new backplane
And I had to get the hardware guys
to put them back again
Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!
It was on a Tuesday morning
The hardware man came round
He soldered and he fiddled
And he said 'Look what I've found'
'Your ECOs are years behind'
'But I'll put it all to rights'
Then he shorted out the power supply
and out went all the lights
Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!
It was on a Wednesday morning
The power supply came
'It's newer and it's better'
'But it works just the same'
He could not fit the unit
without stripping half the rack
then he dropped my boot HDA
so He called Peripherals back
Oh it all makes work for field service men to do!
It was on a Thursday morning
The HDA came along
with a blocklist and a cable
and a list of what goes wrong
He put it into my drive
It took no time at all
But I had to get the software guys
to come and re-install
Oh it all makes work for field service men to do
It was on a Friday morning
That Software made a start
With BACKUP and SYSGEN
He configured every part
Every track and every sector
But I found when he was gone
He had overwritten the boot track
and I couldn't turn it on
On saturday and Sunday They do no work at all
So It was on a Monday morning that the DEC man came to call
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : The Disks of UNIX
Original : Sound of Silence
Group : Simon and Garfunkel
Author : ? Malcolm Dickinson (CLARINET@YALEVMX)
Intro :
Song :
The Disks of UNIX
=================
Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson (CLARINET@YALEVMX)
Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
by Simon and Garfunkel
Hello comix my old friend.
I've come to program you again.
because a student softly creeping,
guessed my password while I was sleeping.
And the programs
with just remnants in my brain,
don't remain,
upon the disks... of UNIX.
In flick'ring lights I type along.
Load my program, what was wrong?
Letters haloed by my squinting,
at the program that I was lint-ing.
For my eyes were blurred
by the flash of the cathode beam,
term'nal screen,
and all the C... on UNIX.
And in the fuzzy light I saw
10,000 hackers, maybe more:
Hackers staring without blinking,
hackers typing without thinking.
Hackers writing code
that programs never shared.
(No one dared,
disturb the disks... of UNIX.)
"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
Kludges make the d.u. grow.
Comment functions that I might read them.
Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
But my words
like unread printout fell,
(Oh well...)
An echo,
On the disks... of UNIX.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Title : Don't Call From Home
Original : The Man's Too Strong
Group : Dire Straits
Author : Jonathon Luning (LUNJONT@YALEVMX)
Intro :
Song :
Don't Call From Home
====================
by Jonathon Luning (LUNJONT@YALEVMX)
Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
by Dire Straits
I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
And in the days I used to play
And I've called the tune
To many a system's ruin.
Now they say I am a real criminal
And I'm hiding away.
Just one more terminal session.
I have simplified robbery
With my PCs.
I have called in the money
And it's now overseas.
I have re-written bank accounts
With thousands on my books;
Made up identities
Without changing my looks.
And I can still hear the touch-tones
And the clicks on the phone.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
Well I've cracked IBM
And I've cracked NSA
And I've cracked every network
In the whole USA.
I have called out on Sprint
And from any payphone;
Billed to people
I never have known.
And I can still hear the touch-tones
And the clicks on the phone.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
Well the sun comes in my office
And they all did hear him say
"You're really too much for us,
You're worth more than we can pay.
You may still hear from Burroughs
But I ask you now today:
Won't you please work with us
At the good old CIA?"
Now I run all surveillance
From LA to Kremlin's dome.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@