Owain F Carter
Computer Songs and Poems
Humour
Title : DP Man
Original : Piano Man
Group : Billy Joel
Author : Greg Gerke
Intro : A revision of an old favorite ...
Song :
DP Man
(sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)
It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
The programming crowd staggers in,
There's a user by my terminal,
With drool running off of his chin.
He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
I'm not really sure what I want,
But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
And it has to be finished by lunch."
Chorus:
They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
Write us some code today,
'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
And he wants it by yesterday."
Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
He bumps up my priority,
And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
As the smile ran away from his face,
"But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
If I could get out of this place."
Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
Whose license is riding on luck,
And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
And my team leader gives me a smirk,
'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
When they find out that it didn't work.
And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
And the CRT screams like a jet,
And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
As the patches and kludges pile up,
'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.
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Title : Don't Have a Conniption
Original : Walk Like an Egyptian
Group : Bangles
Author : Brent C.J. Britton
Intro :
Song :
Don't Have a Conniption
=======================
by Brent C.J. Britton
Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
by the Bangles
All the system ops in this place,
They monitor me, just for fun.
If I logon here,
(ohwayoh)
They force me off 'fore my profile runs.
'Cause I have a reputation
For doing things which I shouldn't be,
Like running CHATS,
(ohwayoh)
And bootlegging Lotus-123.
So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
Found how to change all my privs;
I didn't know that I broke a rule.
I forced the op,
(ohwayoh)
I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.
All the sys ops, so sick of me,
They don't let my databases run.
I broke CP,
(ohwayoh)
They had a big fat connip-tion.
When they NOLOG my account, I say
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
They've hated me since I stored
Inside the real PSW.
We crashed hard you know,
(ohwayoh)
I guess I forgot a bit or two.
If you want to find software cops,
They're hanging out in the software shops.
They kick your pants,
(ohwayoh)
And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.
I ran my Turing Machine;
Another one was assembl'in.
And it crunched all night,
(ohwayoh)
The system op had connip'tions.
To software cops in the software shops, I say
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
"Don't have a conniption."
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Title : Emacs Wizard
Original : Pinball Wizard
Group : The Who
Author : ?
Intro : Complete with formatting and all :-)
Song :
\documentstyle[twocolumn,12pt]{article}
\begin{document}
\begin{verse}
Ever since I was a young boy\\
I've played with each O.S.\\
)From Unix down to Kronos \\
I've crashed them I confess\\
But I ain't seen nothing like him\\
Not even in VMS\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.
He sits there never blinking\\
Becomes part of the machine\\
Controls with either pinkie\\
A virtual typing stream\\
He optimizes keystrokes\\
Swamps your Microvax\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.
He's an Emacs wizard \\
Without a binding list\\
An Emacs wizard \\
s' got such a calloused wrist.
How do you think he does it? I don't know!\\
What makes him so good?
\newpage
He ain't got no distractions\\
He refuses warning bells\\
He heeds no cursor flashing\\
Plays by sense of smell\\
He never needs to undo\\
Knows all of Stallman's hacks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.
I thought I was \\
The keyboard-macro kid\\
But I just handed\\
My Emacs crown to him.
Even my usual bindings\\
He prefixed all my best\\
His disciples feed him Coke\\
And he just does the rest\\
He's got super-meta-fingers\\
Never hits the cracks\\
That set-mark and bind kid\\
Sure strokes a mean Emacs.
\end{verse}
\end{document}
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Title : Every Cycle is Sacred
Original : Every Sperm is Sacred
Group : Monty Python (Meaning of Life)
Author : Tony Duell (ard@siva.bris.ac.uk)
Intro :
Song :
There are Suns in this world, there are Apples,
There are Sequents and Goulds and then,
There are those who clone I B M, BUT
I've never been one of them.
For I'm an 11/45
and have been since the day I was made
And the one thing they say about PDP's is
They'll run no matter what they said,
You don't have to be in a six-footer,
You don't have to have a 9-slot backplane
You don't have to have Memory Management,
You're booted the moment DCLO came, For
Every Cycle is Sacred,
Every Cycle is Great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC gets quite irate!
{Repeat}
Let the others waste them,
On floating-point multiply
DEC shall make them pay for
Each add able to be skipped by.
Every cycle is wanted
Every cycle is good
Every cycle is needed
In your neighbourhood
Intel, Sun and Zilog
Branch their's just anywhere
DEC loves those who write
Their Microcode with more care
Every cycle is useful
Every cycle is fine
DEC saves everybody's
Time and Time and Time.
Other systems waste theirs
while fetching o'er t'backplane
DEC shall strike them down for
each cycle thats run in vain
Every cycle is sacred,
Every cycle is great,
If a cycle gets wasted,
DEC GETS QUITE IRATE!!!
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Title : Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
Original : Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover
Group : Paul Simon
Author : Al Pena
Intro :
Song :
Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----
The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.
She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.
She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.
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Title : Fork()ing on a Sun
Original : Seasons in the Sun
Group : Terry Jacks
Author : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett)
Intro : Here's a little ditty I penned back in 1987 when I was first
getting to grips with IP (and killing the machine at the same time).
If you don't recognise the words well enough to get the tune, you
weren't born... as for pronunciation, pronounce "vi" as "vye" -
that way, the song scans properly. No flames, please...
The chorus is a wonderful thing to sing in pubs (bars) when you
and a group of hackers get together, because it is eminently recog-
nisable, but no-one outside your group will have the foggiest idea
what you're on about...
[fragment]
Song :
Goodbye my shell, it's hard to "vi",
I cannot socket(), even though I try,
Everything keeps going wrong...
It needs a bind() to carry on,
Proc' table's been full for too long.
Chorus:
We had Joy, We had fun,
We were fork()ing on a Sun,
but the joy is all gone,
'til the processes are Done [1].
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Title : FORTRAN
Original : Pressure
Group : Billy Joel
Author : Thomas Koenig (ib09@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de)
Intro : A little song about one of the joys of scientific computation
[second revision]
Song :
FORTRAN
You have to learn to pace yourself
FORTRAN
You're just like everybody else
FORTRAN
You've only had to write Pascal
So far
But you will come to the day
When the only thing that counts
Are megaflops on a Cray
And you'll have to deal with
FORTRAN
You used to call me paranoid
FORTRAN
But even you can not avoid
FORTRAN
You swore that ENTRY's a sure road to ruin
Now here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you cannot handle FORTRAN
All grown up and no place to go
Pascal, Prolog,
What do you know?
All your life is a Lisp machine,
Linked lists, quicksort,
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
Don't ask me for help
You're all alone
FORTRAN
You'll have to code it
On your own
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here's your program, incomplete,
Two weeks late, three times too slow
Nothing to do but log on now
And write all your code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN
All your life is Byte Magazine
I read it too
What does it mean?
FORTRAN
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale
But here you are with old code
COMMON blocks are misaligned
Assigned GOTOs disturb your mind
And you have to code in
FORTRAN
FORTRAN, FORTRAN
One, two, three, four
FORTRAN
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Title : French Horn Concerto (for modem users)
Original : French Horn Concerto No 4 for French Horn by Motzart,
based on the arrangment and lyrics by...
Group : Micheal Flounders and Donald Swan
Author : Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz)
Info : The original starts:
I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To by a french horn in a second hand shop
I polished it up and I started to play it
Inspite of my neighbour who begged me to stop
The music was rearranged for a piano, so these
lyrics may not fit any orchestral version of the
"original".
Song :
I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To by a modem from a second hand shop
I made up a cable and I started to use it
In spite of my girlfriend who begged me to stop
To use my modem, I had to change my sleeping habits
I found that I could only get on at night
So many boards abound -- to give you a world, a beatuiful world so rich and round
Oh the hours I had to spend before I got onto them it in the end
But that was yesterday and just to day I looked in the the usual place
There was the modem, but the cable itself was missing
Where can it have gone? Haven't you -- hasn't anyone seen my cable
Where can it have gone? What a blow, know I know I'm unable to read my net news
Who wipped that cable? I bet you a quid somebody did.
Knowing I had found a news group and wanted to read it
Afraid of my talents in talk.bizzare
For early today to my utter dismay it had vanished away to the ???? morn
I've lost that cable. I know I was using it yesterday
I've lost that cable, lost that cable, found that cable -- gorn
There's not much else to say -- I had better delay a report (?)
I know some party folk whose party jokes pretending to hunt with quart (?)
Gone away -- gone away -- was it one of them took it away?
Would you kindly return that serial cable -- where is the devil who pinched my cable?
I took it to the net.police -- I want that serial cable back
I miss my news more and more and more
With out that chat I'm feeling sad and so forlorn
Oh oh oh oh oh oh....
I found a board and wanted to play use it to display my talents in talk.bizzare
But early to day to my utter dismay it had totally vanished away
I thought up some stuff and I wanted to send it, but somebody took it away
I thought up some stuff and was longing to send it, but somebody took it away
My girlfriend is a sleep in her bed.
I will soon make her wish I was dead
I'll take up nethack instead
Whaaa, whaaa
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Title : Friend of the System
Original : Friend of the Devil
Group : Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
Author : Larry Stone (STONE@YALECS)
Intro :
Song :
Friend of the System
====================
By Larry Stone (STONE@YALECS)
Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg (BRAND@VTCS1)
Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"
by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.
Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.
Chorus:
Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;
A friend of the System is a friend of mine.
If I get done before daylight,
I just might write some code tonight.
Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off.
Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!
(chorus)
I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;
It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!
(chorus)
Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;
The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.
The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!
She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.
Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV.
The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!
(chorus)
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Title : Gateway To Heaven
Original : Stairway To Heaven
Group : Led Zeppelin
Author : EileenET Tronolone (et@sctc.af.mil)
Intro : I just had to send it in, fellas. I'm sorry. I could not let all
that stuff go by and not send it in.
Song :
Gateway To Heaven
There's a lady who knows
All the systems and nodes
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
She telnets there, she knows
All the ports have been closed
With a nerd she can get
Files she came for
Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
There's an motd
But she wants to be sure
Cos she knows sometimes hosts have
Two domains
In a path by the NIC
There's a burdvax that pings
Sometimes all of our flames
are cross-posted
Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
And it's processed by root
Unix Labs will reboot
NCR will then listen to reason
And a prompt will respawn
For those yet to logon
And the networks will echo much faster
Woohoohoo
Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven
If there's a lookup in your netstat
don't be .alarmed now
it's just a pinging from the link queen
Yes there are two routes you can type in
but in the long run
there's still time to change the net you're on
(I hope so!)
And as we find stuff to download
We ftp and we chmod
There was a sysadm we know
Who changed the server to her own
She had root privs and she used chown
She hacked out on the DDN
And if you tail her stdin
Then you will find what you had lost
And get it back with cpio
To be a hack and not to scroll...
And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven