WHAT YOUR STARS REALLY SAY ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY
ARIES: You are the pioneer type and hold most people with contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed, but, in fact, you are just a dickhead.
GEMINI: You are quick, intelligent, and a thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, which is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos bully smaller people. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good undertakers and pimps.
LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality. If you are male you are probably a poof. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Librans die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot ever be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect asshole. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pushers. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucked.
CAPRICORN: You are the conservative type and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal, but, on the other hand, you are careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence over your good friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
Dave Browne, From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC