The Complete Set Of blonde Jokes
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and
shake her upside down.
4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring
legs apart)
6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because,
that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A:
She'd just dyed her hair.
8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A:
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as
they can that is over their heads.
10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park
in the handicap zone.
11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up
when they're on their back.
12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a
flashlight in their ear.
13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes
too long to retrain them.
14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A:
There's white-out on the screen.
15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A:
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You
don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She
didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9.
18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of
the head from side to side) I dunno!
19. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder
pads.
20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in
their shoulder pads.
21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how
to get two cups of water into those little packages.
22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get
their head in the jar.
24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the
zipper.
25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some
place to rest their ankles.
26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means
stop.
28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop,
wrong hole."
29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle
warmers.
32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo*
drunk!"
34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I
said: I'm drunk!"
35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the
blondes have gone home!"
36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone
yet?
37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
38. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
40. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in
first.
41. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in
front.
42. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have
another beer."
43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A:
Pack their lunch and send them to work.
44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1:
Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A:
Fertilised.
46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.
47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens
the car door.
48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open
the car door.
49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket
seats.
52. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks guys.
A2:
Are you boys all in the same band?
53. Q: What important question does a
blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
54. Q: Why do
blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: Who cares?
55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop
having sex.
56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops
her nail-file.
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says 'Next!'
A4: The
next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: The batteries have
run out.
57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks
for the refill!"
58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know
any better.
60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's
a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves
around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want
to go to Miaaami!"
62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1:
They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not
everyone has been in a 747
64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee,
Are you sure it's mine?
65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and
let the flies do the rest.
67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's
pregnant.
68. Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde
are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, or a smart blonde.
70. Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was
on the other side.
71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A:
Pull the pin and throw it back.
72. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of
the week it is.
73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept
falling out.
74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful thinking.
75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her
boyfriend was also blond!
76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for
directions.
77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her
IQ goes up!
78. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A:
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A:
Butter is difficult to spread.
80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A:
Bigfoot has been spotted.
83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A:
It costs 25 cents to use a telephone.
84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The
blonde has the higher sperm count.
85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not
everybody has been in a limo.
86. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A:
You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A:
Your job still sucks after 6 months.
89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a
terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because
you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for
a week.
91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both
get easier to pick-up with age.
92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The
more you bang it the looser it gets.
93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A:
They're both empty from the neck up.
94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both
wriggle when you eat them.
95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A:
They both have black roots.
96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could
lip read.
97. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of
the pool.
98. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
99. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a
scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to
take the tissues out of the box.
101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2:
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
102. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
103. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
104. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The
bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
105. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
106. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm
blonde, I'm B-L-O-N....ah, oh well .. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
107. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
108. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it
off a cliff.
109. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
110. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice
tits!"
111. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the
forehead.
112. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they
do the splits, they stick to the floor.
113. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the
ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they
don't leave trails, like snails.
114. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and
come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
a television.
115. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A:
The blonde!
116. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
117. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They
always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
118. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by
'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
119. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A:
An interpreter.
120. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A
mental block.
121. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind
tunnel.
122. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
123. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
A:
Sweet Fuck All...
125. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted
Flakes.
126. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last
year's hide-and-seek champ.
127. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A
Space Invader.
128. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A:
Branch Manager.
129. Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
130. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a
period.
131. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
132. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So
they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
133. Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn
their nipples.
134. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up
the valve stem.
135. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
136. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
137. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The
back of her head.
138. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell
PORSCHE!!
139. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell
them a joke on Friday night !
140. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring
beer from the fridge.
141. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they
know if it is morning or afternoon.
142. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A
blond electrician
143. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can
remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
144. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have
been old enough to bear children!
145. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people
keep hitting them with dictionaries.
146. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because
she gave blow-jobs literally.
147. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked
around for the bastard that must have shot her?
148. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
149. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I
just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
150. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple,
easy and they taste good.
151. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
152. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms
and tell her to alphabetise them.
153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went? It finally dawned on here.
154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
155. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
blonde: No, but wherever
it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
158. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss,
may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence?
What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed
to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The
cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh
no, not another breathalyzer test!"
159. Hubby: As a start I
think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing
lady.
blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
160. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
blonde: That's
nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea
he was that good.
blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a
light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
blonde: Of course.
Operator:
And the switch is on?
blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still
won't light up?
blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's
the problem?
blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all
fell and hurt ourselves.
162. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted
to know who the other man was...
From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC