Idiots in the Neighbourhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were
being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers
My neighbour works in the operations department in
the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they
have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the
teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My
lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her
that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless
to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Idiots Do Math
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was
coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at
which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old
as I am, that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I
sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a
pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so
I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker - now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It
says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents inside.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
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