Hobbits are small and hairy. They may be distantly related to woozles; both have been seen in the vicinity of Airthrey Castle, however their temperaments are very different. A Hobbit may be approached by an individual Irregular with (comparative) safety, but when approached by a group of Irregulars Hobbits display spasms of nervous energy and frequently a sequence of - often unintentional - sharp nips. Hobbits nonetheless labour under the misapprehension that they are cute and cuddly and would make ideal pets. In reality, close and prolonged contact between Irregulars and Hobbits can lead to distress.
Hobbits can sometimes be recognised by their distinctive coat which, unlike the smooth plush fur of a woozle, is longer, straggly, and may sometimes display visible but temporary patterns or streaks. Hobbits can always be recognised by their frequent emission of higher-pitched squeaks, rising in amplitude both when happy and when preparing for the kill - two conditions often confused in (and by) Hobbits. Hobbits are impervious to the attractions of catnip but fall into a semidelirious state when presented with quantities of Nuttus pistachio. Nothing has been found to definately repel a Hobbit, but nicotine, or caffeine preparations marketed by Nescafe, may have a temporary effect. Ignoring them can also help disencourage them.
Hobbits are not a protected species, even if they think they are, and Hobbit-baiting can be an enjoyable sport. Hobbit-baiting has been proposed to the Scottish Chair-hurdling Association for inclusion in forthcoming competitions.
This imaginary and irrelevant humour is © 1995 the author.