Owain F Carter

Man - a chemical analysis

Humour

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Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
                 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
                 ribs)
Occurrence     : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
                 near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
   melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
   (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
   extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
   the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
   subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

a) All forms(**) desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is 
   possible.
   (** There is a non-reactive isotope of Ah, Ah^soq-1, that does not react in
   this way.)
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
   conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
   (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other
   elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the
   malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :

a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
   reaction style.

Uses :

a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
   information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction 
   to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable under correct 
   conditions.