Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out, "Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for directions."
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!" The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was as dumb as a post."
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time. Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies, "So she would love you."
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC