From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92 Pittsburgh (AP) -
If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families, according to a newspaper survey. "There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men; about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with "women and children first." The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers.
The survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, "My prick is longer than that cat's tail." A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured. But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?" "From the asshole." says the bartender. "Well, kindly do me the same favor."
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.
Etiquette and Behavior: EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us The Credit Cards) EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives: GE101: You, The Weaker Sex GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics: HE101: You Too Can Do Housework HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks") HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet") HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom HE108: How To Color-Coordinate HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills: LS101: Combatting Stupidity LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works! LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education: SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The Garbage SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO" SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes" SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top Sometimes Too") SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
See also Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget: Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
From James Lileks' Notes of a Nervous Man: Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six, presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
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