Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male?
The latest research indicates that there a dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many straight men are afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings towards women and fidelity. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in the majority of Americans who find it hard to accept the premise that a man could possibly want to become and stay married to a person of the opposite sex. They may fear discrimination in the workplace, or possibly in finding suitable housing where they can be free to live the "straight" lifestyle. Some HMM's are afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being branded "politically incorrect".
Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and not even know it. Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the heterosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below and add up your score. You might just surprise yourself.
1. Are you a biological male? (10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's license.)
2. Which term best describes you? (Married to only one Woman = 5 points; Engaged to only one Woman = 3 points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points; Dating several women, or at least not dating any men = 1 point.)
3. If you had to watch one of the following movies ("Patton", "The Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The Longest Yard", "The Dirty Dozen"), which would you choose? (5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".)
4. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements which is true of you:
I own a dog.
I own a gun.
I like Clint Eastwood movies.
I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts.
I won't drink espresso.
I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month.
I
secretly believe that I could have whipped Mike Tyson.
I wish Mel Gibson
would keep his pants on.
I don't see what's so funny about Homer Simpson.
I don't need a man's attention to make me feel attractive.
If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM. Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes Charles Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python .45, would score quite high as well.
HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal rights for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the media). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have been doing for the last twelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton administration and grab every bit of preferential treatment that the other special interest groups receive. It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party, enemies that have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we. They may try to tell us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as "politically incorrect" (we prefer the gentler "politically challenged").
The beauty of it is that they have to take us, or risk losing their claim to being the party of inclusion. Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside. To scratch and claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned our place at the public trough. Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a nation uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance and fear. After all, we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have been created! Heterosexuality is not what we do. It is what we are!
I look forward to working with you to stem the tide of the latent heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the country. Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk for HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other straight, monogamous men. Remember: We're not gay, it's O.K. We're straight, it's great. Get used to it.
Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8 pages), or our special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your news- letters will come in a envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM because your decision to come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or money order to:
Very truly yours, Norm D. Plume Founder of HMM Editor Straight Talk for HMM's
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