Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons
of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night. 2) Patchouli oil. 3) Any
aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red Riding
Hood. 4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it
doesn't evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes
left in storage). 5) Anyone whose keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heliconia and
birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos. 2) Carnations. 3)
Gladiolus. 4) Dyed daisies.
Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes. 2) Pull out
a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter. 3) Look you in the eye when
shaking your hand at a party. 4) R.S.V.P. on time. 5) Remember that a man
doesn't shake a women's hand unless and until she extends hers.
Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cellular phone in
a restaurant. 2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers. 3) Assume that
cigarette butts aren't litter. 4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00. 5) Pack
a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix. 6) Think that
"black tie" always means tuxedo. 7) Try to raise ficus trees in an
apartment. 8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side. 9) Pretend
that love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew. 2) Candles.
3) Garlic. 4) An '82 Bordeaux. 5) A deck of cards. 6) An umbrella you can lend.
7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth. 8) An extra Interplak attachment.
Eleven things you should try once:
1) Boudin. 2) Disney World. 3)
Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again). 4) Reading Jane
Austen. 5) Going to the movies alone. 6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without
thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding bands and school rings don't
count). 7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror. 8) Yoga. 9) Going a whole
day without eating meat or dairy. 10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of
as luxurious. 11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.
Five indications that your clothes fit:
1) No one tickles an exposed
piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest. 2) You can bear hug
yourself. 3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the
doubt patrol started doing its number). 4) You don't readjust every time you
stand up. 5) You can dance in them.
Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1) Baseball caps (why do
you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?). 2) Wear it short. 3) Admit
shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin. 4) Read Maria Riva on
Yul Brynner.
Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1) A great restaurant
where you've made no reservations. 2) Your mother's, it's about time she saw you
looking good. 3) Wherever they're giving you the award.
Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1) You approach your
closet with a flashlight. 2) You sense your local priest is jealous. 3) It takes
more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd. 4) Gray is starting
to look colorful. 5) Widows tell you to cheer up.
Seven musts to have in your car:
1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile
radius from your home. 2) Tissues and napkins. 3) Quarters. 4) Breath freshener
and eye drops. 5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk). 6)
Glass cleaner. 7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally
awakening.
Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1) Whipped cream. 2)
A hat. 3) A turtle neck. 4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that
everything you've made tonight is Moroccan. 5) A trunkload of flowers.
Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1) Scissors.
2) Studs. 3) Shoehorns. 4) Shoelaces. 5) Styptic pencils.
Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1) The sole is as high as
the heel. 2) It has more perforations that you colander. 3) No animal would
recognize the skin as its own. 4) The salesman keeps referring to how
comfortable it is.
Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1) About something green
on their teeth. 2) "Half-mast, buddy!" 3) Where to vote. 4) What color
brings out their eyes. 5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.
Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1) "I used to go
out with her too." 2) "Gosh, you look tired." 3) "I think
you missed the litter basket." 4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't
mean you're actually doing anything about AIDS"
Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1) Tie a bow tie on someone
else. 2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen. 3) Keep a secret.
4) Perform CPR. 5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself. 6) Console
someone without platitudes. 7) Change a diaper. 8) Take a compliment with grace.
9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress. 10) Drive
a car.
You must remember these:
1) The city is doing to you what it does to
your clothes. 2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like
you. 3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself. 4)
It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day. 5) Nothing
is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else. 7) Nature abhors a vacuum
cleaner. 8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.
From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC I don't know why I reposted this. It's ghastly.