Owain F Carter

Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex

Humour

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"Don't worry"
"I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy"
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise"
"I'm not really married"
"It's only a cold sore"
"Looks aren't important to me"
"I like you for your personality"
"Size isn't important"
"This won't hurt, I promise"
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other"
"We'll always be together"
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her
A man in the house is worth two in the street
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song
All the good ones are taken
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best
Don't do it if you can't keep it up
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction
Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law) If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments
It is always the wrong time of month
It is better to be looked over than overlooked
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden
Love comes in spurts
Love is a hole in the heart
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you
Never say no
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself
Nice guys finish last
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again
No sex with anyone in the same office
Nobody is ugly after 2 a.m.
Nothing improves with age
One good turn gets most of the blankets
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly
Sex has no calories
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old- fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning
Sex is dirty only if it's done right
Sex is hereditary
If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it
The best way to hold a man is in your arms
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later
The younger the better
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love
There is no remedy for sex but more sex
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex
But there is nothing exactly like it
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood
Virginity can be cured
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't feck with Mrs Murphy!!!