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Humorous Personal Ads

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Humorous Personal Ads

• Universal Generic Personal Ad - Form #IMA10
  Suitable for all personal ads in printed or electronic formats.
  
  (Place an 'x' on all that applies)
  
  Title:
  ======
  
  [ ] Man Wants Women For Hot Sex [ ] Woman Wants Men For Hot Sex
  [ ] Sex! Sex! Sex! [ ] Love! Marriage! Babies!
  [ ] SWM iso SWF [ ] SWF iso SWM
  [ ] SWM iso S*F [ ] SWF iso S*M
  
  Greeting:
  =========
  
  [ ] Hi! [ ] Hello there!
  [ ] Hello folks!
  [ ] Hail thee, Avatar! [ ] Greetings to you, earthling!
  
  Introduction:
  =============
  
  My name is ________ and I want to get a lot of
  
  [ ] dates [ ] marriage propositions
  [ ] postcards and mail [ ] happy birthday e-mail
  
  I am in search of (check one from each of the four columns)
  
  [ ] [ ] Single [ ] White [ ] Male
  [ ] [ ] Married [ ] Black [ ] Female
  [ ] [ ] Heterosexual [ ] Hispanic [ ] Eunuch
  [ ] [ ] Bisexual [ ] Asian [ ] Hermaphrodite
  [ ] [ ] Gay [ ] Jewish [ ]
  [ ] [ ] Polygamous [ ] [ ]
  [ ] [ ] Sterile [ ] [ ]
  
  I want to meet or correspond with
  
  [ ] a woman [ ] a lot of women
  [ ] a man [ ] a lot of men
  [ ] interesting people [ ] boring people like myself
  [ ] nobody [ ] anybody
  [ ] somebody who understands me [ ] friends on a platonic basis
  [ ] Elvis [ ] friends from previous lives
  
  I am ___ years old.
  I am ___ years old, but I actually look 20 years younger.
  I am ___ years old, but the 30 year age difference between us doesn't matter.
  I am ___ months old.
  
  Interests:
  ==========
  
  [ ] no interests [ ] sleeping or yawning
  [ ] sex, sex, sex, and more sex [ ] being tied up and spanked good
  [ ] all kinds of sports [ ] working out with 800-pound weights
  [ ] cats and dogs [ ] sheep and chickens
  [ ] all forms of music [ ] all music except country/western
  [ ] country/western music and dancing [ ] all music except country/western
  [ ] throwing bananas out of trains [ ] collecting toenail clippings
  [ ] watch wet paint dry [ ] watch CNN and The Weather Channel
  [ ] watch performance art [ ] read books and write poetry
  [ ] opera, theatre, performing oral [ ] football, golf, cooking, and
  sex, and everything else men like everything else all men like
  
  Personal Attributes:
  ====================
  
  [ ] I smoke [ ] I drink
  [ ] I smoke, drink, and cuss [ ] I am a social drinker
  [ ] I am free of drugs and disease [ ]
  
  Ending:
  =======
  
  [ ] Bye [ ] Hope to hear from you soon
  [ ] Hope that your ASCII-strings will [ ] Maybe we can get in contact
  flash on my monitor very soon telepathically? (level 7, sphere 3)
  [ ] Let me express my deepest thanks
  in advance that you molest me with
  your e-mail!
  
  
  Signature:
  ==========
  
  [ ] I've Never Done This Before
  [ ] I Can Get Plenty Of Dates Without This Ad
  [ ] Sleepless in Bosnia
  
  
• Lusty full-figured gal wants a younger man to fondle.
• Feisty Rubenesque SWF seeks compassionate understanding SWM to hold her hands and watch her while she eats.
• Abracadabra! Your money will disappear on two long-legged attractive SWF seeking generous Sugar Daddy type. Age unimportant.
• Help! Gentle professional DWM having rough time with mid-life crisis. Losing my graying hair is no fun all by myself. Seeking SWF 18-30 to bring me to life and rescue me from the depths of depression.
• Talented, twisted DWF, 50ish, seeks sensual Svengali to skinny me up and inspire trashy bestseller. Non-smoking 40ish, plastic surgeon perfect.
• Hey Hey Hey Hey Girrrrl, are you lucky you read this ad! I'm between girlfriends. How lucky can you get? Send me a photo and note about yourself. Hurry! Before I'm taken again.
• Wanted: Modern Primitive Must be into tatoos and piercing, great sense of humor a prerequisite. Tall blonde with long legs enjoys working out, cycling, and eating lots of meat. Let's watch Beavis and Butthead together.
• Heh - Heh - Heh!!! Uhhh, two crazy college girls looking for Beavis and Butthead to make us laugh. Suicidal band members need not apply.
• Wacky English Wench SWF, 40, cuddly Piscean, into theatre, cooking, simple fun, and felines. Desires 40ish SW chum; independent, cocksure, clever, quick witted.
• Vivacious DWF, 47, seeks new husband with similar personality. Must have own teeth.
• Handsome mainframe with good connections seeks cute micro with nice peripherals. Object: plug-to-plug compatibility.
• Depressed male, 28, homely looking, short and fat, uncultured, absolute bore, financial failure, seeks similar woman, 20-32 for meaningless relationship.
• The following is from the Pasadena Weekly May 11-17,1989 classified.
  Gunslinger Wanted
  Desperate neighborhood needs expert sharpshooter w/BB gun to run off psychotic mockingbird. Pay $20 American.
  Followed by name and phone number of contact.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Occult-Vegetarian-Ambidextrous, Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests. Zack, Box 90
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Undercover Espionage Agent, 29, would like to meet nice woman 18-30 for romantic, lasting relationship. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live. Call 567-1234, preferably from an untapped pay phone.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Handsome, but not wealthy, gentleman can only afford a 5-line personal ad. I'm a smart, good-looking nice guy who'd like to meet pretty, sensitive woman. Call me at xxx-yyyy
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Idiots Need Love Too - If you enjoy walking into movies after they've started, throwing out good furniture, and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Let's get together and find out how many other negative personality traits we share. Spunky, Box 2.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 44
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, Box 67.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riviera. Flatbush Max, Box 12.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Man, nonsmoking, nondrinking, noneating, nonbreathing, actually, I'm dead. I need someone to bury me. Box 57.
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  SWF - Seeks SWF to tell me what SWF means. Box 85
• From "Mad" Magazine:
  Large Woman Seeks Larger Man - So I will look smaller in comparison. Photos a must. Box 841.
• From "Austin Chronicle" weekly:
  Low mileage 1964 WF sport model, nice interior, sleek exterior seeks 1958-68 WM 2-door model to possibly share driveway. No minivans, carseats, or additives.
• From the Yorkshire Post:
  Successful businessman widower seeks affectionate understanding female to shave the enjoyable things in life. (I still think it's a misprint.)
• Slim white male, 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have tatoo (dogs, butterflies, okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes). Must own late model foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should be well tanned, blue eyed, blonde, (sunny yellow, not platinum or dishwater), and have own luggage. Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar with multiple bodyrub techniques. Must have own chili recipie (no celery). Must bathe, not shower. Must have working command of Latin (hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it). Must have own flesh- pulley equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission reels, and wrestling magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition, bagged for clean and easy storage). Must possess own lifelike false face and iron-on refrigerator decals. Can be pensive but not moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean it) of ketchup.
• Sprightly leprechaun seeks shamrock nymph to be my lovely lass. You are two feet tall, love all things green, and have a deep appreciation for marshmallows. I am cheery-giddy, fortified with eight essential vitamins, and magically delicious! No IRA, please. L. Charms, Dublin.
• Fat balding smelly lazy repulsive unemployed WM oaf seeks voluptuous female love slave to fetch beer, change channels, pick up dirty clothes, and suck toes.
• SWF seeks live M, age 16-100+, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg.
• SWM, 39, enjoys assault rifles, heaving drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded fallout shelter.
• SWF, 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, communing with Gaian nature spirits, and jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic WM mechanical engineer.
• SWM, 29, wide range of interests including Star Trek, Dr. Who, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. Still ISO compatible SWF.
• Adventurous WC want to meet other WCs interested in underwater bondage with scuba gear and albino livestock. No weirdos.
• SM parrot ISO SF parrot. Pretty boy. Gimme kiss!
• Fat, bloated pig seeks princess with an open mind.
• 5'5", 39, DW Anthropoidette, Jewish by injection, seeks DW/SW NS simian, vertically or otherwise inclined, for mutual hunting, gathering, or grooming. Casual replies only.
• SWF seeks strong, sensitive man with a tall, dark body. I'm overweight and unemployed but you will like me anyway.
• Lonely, lost, loser with diminished hopes seeks similar SWF to share bad times together.
• Are you the man with the scar on his face who met me at the carnival? Please reply. SWF.
• The Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for the best "Personal Ad", and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue: Ad Of The Week:
  I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda. What difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the movie). If there is a man out there who:
  isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
  isn't an alcoholic,
  doesn't have any kids,
  doesn't smoke,
  doesn't beat women,
  isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
  isn't a liar,
  isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
  isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
  doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
  likes having sex,
  CAN have sex,
  is not
  in jail,
  on probation,
  has a court date pending,
  isn't a
  misogynist,
  racist,
  classist,
  elitist,
  lawyer,
  politician,
  member of the military,
  policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),
  bible boy, or
  a pompous ass.
  What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men. Prefer letters. (contact info)
• Average Guy Seeks Goddess
  Male, 35, 6' 3", 220 pounds. Savant, epicure, Rhodes Scholar, M.D., PhD, VIP, & LSD. Member of Mensa, 33rd degree Freemason; speaks seven languages fluently. Served as Ambassador to Moscow and on Council of Foreign Relations. Dabbles in rocket science, quantum physics and in spare time devised a unified field theory. Has authored 15 books, 87 published articles, 23 screenplays, & 114 patents, one a fully functional pocket time machine (batteries not included). Likes to paint expressionist watercolors, write haiku poetry, & have composed 11 major symphonies (plus one opera in Bulgarian). Trained in Jungian psychology, lectures on Zen, practices safe alchemy. Awarded Medal of Honor for bravery in combat. Climbed Everest, swam the English Channel & was knighted by the Queen. Won 3 Olympic gold medals, 6 Academy Awards, the Indy 500, & Kentucky Derby. Heisman Trophy winner. Active in charity work with disabled cheerleaders. Performed Hamlet, met Elvis, attended Woodstock. Claimed Nobel Prize in medicine. Flew the Space Shuttle, addressed the U.N., played the Grand Ol' Opry, sold out Madison Square Garden. Beatified by the church. A par golfer, master craftsman, and gourmet cook. Broke the 4 minute mile. Consultant to multi- national corporations, brokered peace in the Middle East, Jeopardy champ. Has own personal wardrobe line and puts both legs of pants on simultaneously. Certified mechanic, advanced avatar & licensed oracle. Solved the Kennedy assassination. Circumnavigated the globe piloting own Lear jet and luxury yacht. Enjoys ballroom dancing. Enthusiastic skier, scuba diver, & collector of 14th century Moravian tapestries. Plants virus' in CRAY supercomputers for kicks. Direct descendant of Charlemagne, hung like a Equus Cabullus & no male pattern baldness. Capable of independently programming a VCR. Black belt in karate. Loves children and small furry creatures. Recycles. Doesn't smoke, drink, swear, snore, or leave the toilet seat up. Fully committed to monogamy and family values. Cherishes intimacy. Devoted to maintaining long-term relationships through good communication. Not ashamed to ask for directions when lost. Compulsive house cleaner, does own laundry, never watches football. Well studied in the Kama Sutra and not averse to providing maximum gratification with just a touch of discipline. Makes a mean latte too. Loves romantic walks along moonlit beaches, weeps at sunsets, & dreams of the day when humanity can live together in communal peace & enlightenment. Naturally being such a hip-happenin' renaissance kind of guy leaves one little time for amorous socializing, hence this communique. It is but my sincerest hope that I be considered worthy the attention of a warm, kind-hearted nymphomaniac willing to share my humble existence. So be not shy oh sweet, young cyber-maidens, send hither your tender e-mail that we might share the bliss of sublime, rapturous interface.

From the Internet. Original © not known. This version ©2000 OFC