Bagpipes
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the
ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian
bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
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Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you
borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an
in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end--
it would be a good idea.
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
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Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
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Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.