Between the lines of Employment Ads:
Advancement Opportunity — Shit job
Entry Level — Really a shit job
No Experience Necessary — The mother of all shit jobs
Administrative Assistant — Shit job with a title
Ground Floor Opportunity — Shit job with a company that will file
bankruptcy within a year
Progressive Company — Employees get to wear jeans every other
Friday
Team Player — Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with
rabid personalities
Upbeat Personalities — Must neither threaten us with any kind of
lawsuit nor use the drug/alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word Processing Skills Essential — There is a crippling case of
carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important —
$20K a year job that requires a $100K a year wardrobe
Pleasant Telephone Manner — Be the voice of 1 — 900 — SEX
— SUCK
Earn Up To $300/Hour — Be 1 — 900 — SEX — SUCK
Salary Range $24K to $32K — The Salary is $24K BA Required, MA
Preferred — Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil Service — The job was filled from the inside 6 months ago
Women/Minorities Encouraged — White males need not waste a stamp
Outstanding Benefits Package — Health Insurance
Tons of Variety — We took all the heinous tasks no one else would do
and rolled them into one job
Top Notch Communication Skills — Telemarketing
Beautiful Offices in Attractive Locale — Brand new tacky windowless
office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary — Women only job with the responsibilities of management
and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive Secretary — The most powerful person in any company
Dedicated — You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours per week until
we force you into early retirement
Salary Commensurate — We'll pay you whatever the Hell we feel
like
Salary Negotiable — We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive Salary — We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last
job... Period!
Competitive Starting Salary — Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant Atmosphere — A staff of pod people
Professional Atmosphere — Zombie pod people
Fun, Creative Atmosphere — Pod people from Hell
Dynamic Atmosphere — Zombie pod people from Hell
Gal Friday — Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves
it
Self Starter — Open to broad interpretation, since no one really
knows what this means