We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain the longer God lets you live.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you … everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats … they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Cats … the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honours student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Inland Revenue.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace … Visualise Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' … till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. — Napoleon