A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. “Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?” he asked. To which the barman replied, “They're waiting for the Happy Hour”.
A farmer’s wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. “Weel, mistress,” said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, “It's very small for its age.”
The accountant ordered a pint of beer and the barman pushed it across to him. “Do you think you could get a nip of whisky in that?” asked the accountant. “Certainly, sir,” said the barman. “In that case,” said the accountant, “perhaps you would just top it up with beer?”
“Alcohol is your trouble,” said the sheriff to the drunk. “Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament.” The drunk looked pleased as he said “Yer lairdship’s maist kind. A’body else says it’s ma ain fault!”
Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, “I can’t really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink.” Willie said, understandingly, “Ach, that's all right doctor. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink.
“Would you like a wee dram,” the lady-of-the-house asked a
joiner. “A wouldna’ say No,” he replied.
The lady produced the bottle. “How do you like it, Sandy?” she
asked.
He replied: “Half whisky and half water. An’ pit in plenty
o’ water.”
The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one
told the other:
“John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye’ll see twa cabs.
Tak’ the first yin — t’ither ane’s no’ there! ”
Angus’s long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband’s unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home.
Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, “Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye …”
“The Devil, you say?” Angus interrupted. “Then ye must come in and have a dram wi’ me, kinsman. I do believe as I’m married to your sister!”
Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident.
“What sort of accident?” asked the barman. “Terrible,” said Sandy. “I knocked one over with my elbow.”