Guide to Students

Now, a few pointers from someone who's been in HE for far too long:

Your student union sells bad overpriced beer. It is mainly occupied by the students of the rugby club, before they drop out after their first year.

If the union sells food, do not eat it.

Do not talk to the sabbaticals in charge. They are a bunch of preening tossers who know everything about running a student union, and nothing about what students want.

In spite of this, and the fact that there are much better places to go in the evening, 75% of students go to the union frequently, although if you ask them they don't know why.

You will have between five and ten regular tutors. These fall into distinct categories:

  1. Disorganised. Turns up late to his own lectures, sometimes with the wrong notes. Gets your class mixed up with another one, so sometimes gives the wrong lecture. Drinks lots of Coffee.
  2. Laid Back. Knows his topic thoroughly, but can only communicate his knowledge on a good day. Thinks nothing of swearing in front of the class. Drinks even more coffee.
  3. Woman. One of your tutors will be female. She is more competant than most of her male collegues, but for some reason feels intimidated in a 'man's world'.
  4. Messed Up. This tutor has a hangover most mornings, and sometimes mentions that his wife left him. Probably teaches the most abstract, most demanding unit on the course.
  5. Genius. Speaks ten foreign languages, has seen the entire world, and knows the salient facts of any topic you can think of. Can't be bothered with obscure technical jargon, and explains all the stuff the other lectures couldn't get across.
  6. Businessman. Thinks you'll become a manager when you graduate. Thinks everyone in the world is the manager of a medium sized company. Rather creepy.
  7. Old Guy. Just about to retire, been teaching the same topic for 45 years. Other lecturers mistrust him because he's cheerfully cynical. Most students ignore him because he's too old.

Students also fall into discrete types.

  1. Plodder. The most common type. Doesn't understand the techical stuff, and graduates with a lower second.
  2. Creep. Tries to manipulate all other students into doing their work for them. Succeeds for two years, then falls apart when eveeryone's wise to them in the third. Avoid. Use violence if necessary.
  3. Invisible. Occasionally a complete stranger turns up to a tutorial. This person has been on the course all along, but almost never comes to lectures. Likable enough, but you know they'll drop out.
  4. Loner. A bit strange, interested in topics you've never heard of. No one's sure whether he's very bright or completely vaccuous. Talks to teachers, but not students. Possibly called Kapitano.
  5. Show Off. Uses all the long words in the course books no one else has actually read. Thinks 'other people' means 'audience'. Fails the finals, but pretends he got a Distinction.
  6. You.